Finding My Peace

Today has been an awful day. It's supposed to be one of the better days too, my birthday. Instead of people that I love being concerned about me, for just one day, theyre more concerned with my brother. that shouldnt shock me, as its been that way for 2 years since he moved. im constantly being told that im the one that needs to get over things and let go of things, yet they sit and talk the same trash i talk. it makes no sense to me at all. ive come to realize that people talk a big game and say theyre never gonna do this or never gonna do that, and they end up doing it. its just so fucking frustrating that for today, i wanted to be the main attention. just today. im 26 years old and im upset because im not getting attention. a psychologist would say theres a billion reasons why and a billion reasons wrong with me, but i dont care. on my birthday im sitting here crying my eyes out. my mother took me out tonight. she took me to dinner and a movie. 50% of her time was spent on the cell phone making sure my brothers feelings werent hurt because he called and asked my dad to take out a loan for four thousand dollars and my dad said he would only do it for fifteen hundred. my brother was the main attention tonight. i even scraped up some spending money so we could go in our favorite shop, and she stood outside and talked to him on the phone. why couldnt it have waited 20 minutes until she got home? why did she talk on the phone to him during the movie? why can she say 'i love you' to him before they hang up and to me its just bye sis. im so frustrated because i actually care about this shit. why does it matter so much to me who wishes me a happy birthday. my grandmother called me and sung to me. thats how my day started and it was fantastic. i didnt get another call until mom called to make sure we were still going tonight because she had to tell her boyfriend she wouldnt be online to talk to him until after 9 or whatever. no one else called. i got emails from people. 3 of them infact. thats about it. why do people get so hurt when people they love dont remember their birthday? my man has tried his best to make today special. hes working tonight. i have a house to clean, so i best get to it. im just so fucking frustrated, angry, hurt, and want to scream because i want to feel special in my family. my uncle didnt come to my college graduation because he had to go to a rodeo. he hasnt called me to wish me happy birthday. my cousins, who are always pissed off if i dont do what they want me to do when they want me to do it, havent called at all. my daddy called. my step dad told me happy birthday. my grandparents. i know a lot of people will say 'youre lucky you have those people' well, what i say to that is shut the fuck up. whats the point of being in a family where everyone supposedly cares about you, but their main concern is always on someone else. whats the fucking point? im just getting myself crying again so im going to go clean. thats how i deserve to spend my birthday because i wont forgive people that hurt me and bruised me so deep in my heart that to even talk about it i bout cry. but i always have to be the 'grown up' and do the 'adult' thing while everyone else gets to act childish. just one time i want to act childish and force someone else to be the adult.

In response to the comment, the trip has been planned since April. Life happens and theres nothing you can do about it. Blown tires, moving, etc. I've tried to get public assistance - I don't qualify. I've been to two charities - I don't qualify for some things. I have no children and the money I do get is well over the limit that they can provide for legally via their grants. You kinda sounded like my mom in that comment. Why would you do this? Why would you do that? That is very irresponsible! I mean no harm to your feelings, just stating the way I feel. This is why I was leary about blogging. C'est la vie, right? I should also mention that the lack of funding in my account is due to an error in the financial aid/brusar office at my school. I've spent 3 weeks or so clearing it all up.

I should say that when I wrote the first entry, things were really bad for me mentally. Im not writing to ask for feedback, nor am I writing to ask for sympathy. I just need a place for peace. That's why I made this blog.

Some of my friends are going through rough times right now. Wish there was more I could do for them.

Went to a friends wedding today. Thankfully, my mother took me. It was nice. I was her 'matron of honor'. She was really happy and I was happy for her. She's a good friend, better than most of my friends here where I live. That kinda hurts to say, too. Birds of a feather flock together, right? Wonder what that's saying about me.

My brother called me tonight. He can only talk to me when his girlfriend isnt around. She hates me. I was told, by her, that if they have children, I will never be apart of their lives. That hurt. I don't like her much either, but I would never stop my brother from seeing my children if I ever have any. He will always be my brother first. Wish he saw it the same. It's so fake when I talk to him. We used to be really close, best friends even. She's managed to rip that bond in half and put herself in the middle. Partly my fault and partly his. We shouldnt have let it happen. He's blind when it comes to her. I guess that's how your first love is? I don't remember my first love...

I find it fascinating how the mind can hold so many thoughts all at once. My mind just skips around like a quentin terrintino film. He's a great producer. I love his films. I have so much to do before I go out of town next week. On Saturday, I have to take my cats to the vet. They'll be boarded there the entire week and the youngest will be having a surgery. There things we need as well. Bah - I can't think about all of that. My mind will go into overload.

This has been a revolution of the mind.

 

Well, Im going to make this quick as it is 3am and Im ready for bed. My man's parents are unsuspecting angels. Out of the blue, they called us today and asked us to come have dinner with them. That was the first time we had eaten today. We had a huge meal. That's the only time I've eaten today. His father handed us a ten dollar bill. That was his last ten dollar bill, too. He has to go to the bank tomorrow to get money out for him to have spending money for the holiday. The atm's are open. They also sent some food home with us.

Im thankful for them.

My family still doesnt know anything about my finances. I don't let them inside that part of my world. I know it's sad, but I can't. Im sick of it being thrown up in my face. I'm barely letting them inside my world at all, to be honest. I've just been hurt too bad by my own family. My support, the first person I run to, the only person I really lean on, and the one who makes it all better for me is my man.

Im thankful for him.

I guess this would be the place to put these thoughts down. You know the kind. The ones that keep you awake at night and just keep your mind racing. I guess the biggest thought on my mind right now is money. Im a college student who is living off of student loans and financial aid. If I work, I wont make enough to support myself and my financial aid will lower. I dont qualify for any public assistance, as Im not married and have no children. Things are just kinda blah for me right now.

Yeah, I could ask family for help, considering I've been living off of ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese for a week now. I kid you not. Im out of milk, eggs, cheese, bread, cereal, butter. I have tea, ramen noodles, macaroni and cheese and a jar of peanut butter. I would've gotten my money [four thousand dollars] on june 22nd, but my school messed up. Now, I will be getting half either Monday or Wednesday [being that Tuesday is a holiday here in the united states]. The woman from the brusar [the financial place that releases my money at school] said that it would be later this week. Well, one problem. I leave for the beach on Sunday. My rent was due on the 1st. My cable, internet, and phone bill is 2 months late, and I have no groceries. My cats are out of litter and today just finished up their bag of food.

Im stressed.

I have classes starting up on the 26th of July. I graduate with my 4 year degree in one year. So, this time next year I'll have an actual career [hopefully]. I'll have a minor in business, so I think that will help. I just hate having to eat one meal a day just to save food for the next day. I've done nothing but cry for 2 weeks now. Today, I spent the last ten dollars to my name. I have two dollars and sixty some cents in my checking account. My credit card is maxed, oh and is a month behind.

If I ask my family for help, then there comes the reprecussions. These include, but are not limited to: throwing money up in my face at a later point, having my brothers girlfriend call me and explain how I'm a worthless human being that uses my family, constantly having my family ask how much money I have in the bank from that point in time forward, and finally - having my family explain to me how I shouldnt be living on my own and I should move back in with my mother and/or grandparents. I just refuse to do that anymore. When my brother and his girlfriend went off on me about borrowing money from my parents at a tough time [like now], I vowed I would never ask again. He, however, has borrowed to the point that my mother had to take a loan out against her retirement to keep him in his home.

C'est la vie.

Im actually rather surprised at myself. Ive been couped up in my home since June 19th. I've went to my grandparents house for one day. My man and I haven't fought. His license is expired, as well as his tags on his truck. That's something else that needs to be done before we leave for the beach. Here's whats worrying me: A) I wont get my money in time for the beach, or B) I get my money and have to pay two hundred dollars for my kitties to be boarded and one to have his shots and be fixed, pay 2 months on my cable, internet, and phone bill, explain to my landlord why I cant pay her until later this month and *hope* we don't get kicked out, pay the remaining balance on the room when we get to the beach, pay for gas down and back, then you have the normal expenses like - food - while we're at the beach, and then buying groceries when we get back. I have to do all of that with two thousand dollars. The cats and my bills are five hundred dollars. The gas and the room are at least six hundred dollars. Steve's license is one hundred dollars. Thats twelve hundred dollars right there. So that leaves eight hundred to eat on and to get groceries with. Kinda nerve-wrecking.

Well, it's 2:30am. I guess in 7 hours we'll find out if my money has been deposited into my account. By the way things have been going, I'll say that it doesnt come today and comes on Wednesday. I still have a little bit of hope. If it does come tomorrow, I will be a lot less stressed, less hungry, and less tired. It really sucks losing sleep over something like money. As I said, hopefully this time next year, I wont have this problem.