wondering and pondering

for school, there r  5 weeks until my final exam. and yet, i managed to catch up with everything and hopefully by 1 week before the exam begins, i cn start doin some past paper.seriously, i need to reload myself, and tune to the combat mode. heh. no dying before the finish. gotta carry on until next march wooooot! i really want to improve my english. if i could have a proper eng tutor or perhaps for all, everythings gna be so much better. being the best here doesnt mean anything hoenstly since eng isnt the mother-tongue here and as donna said, this is just a small pond. think big. heh.

for music, on my way to my LTCL diploma this nov. sebastian,.goin back to switzerland is for your own good. last year, u stayed for me but ud better go and finish ur music qualificataion. and i wish ur old witch girlfriend chokes and dies. if ure looking for a substitute of me, sorry theres no other me cuz im so unique. i wish you love and everything you dream of when ure back. we are unlikely to meet again since i afraid my chance of becomin a musician is quite low. but who knows...

 

for sports, did 2 hrs of cycling yesterday. so gd. by this time next year, i shouldve joined a triathlon training!

 

 

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david.....

 

its been almost 4 or 5 weeks since we last seen. 'miss me of course'?! never have u attempted to reach me these days. my feeling fades. fuck . why were u so serious in the begining perhaps michael was right on it. u just scared of the responsibility. i firmly believe you like me, at least you likED me once. i convinced myself that u are not treating me a stuffed toy but the reality is everywhere. heh 

you're not an asshole though all my mates r callin u that........hm but ure a coward for sure cuz if u like me or not u should at least speak to me.

yay herei got this another excuse for you.  

school- okay. going on as planned

music- lost my technique completely... heh its goin to come back anyways

sports-really fine.

myself- time to go back to my 4-to-4-hrs eating plan. otherwise im becoming obesed heh.

---

david...

 

wednesdays are awful.

the washing machine killed my ipod and hm, my laptop is haunted as it turns on and off itself

for the sake of my public exam  next year, id better to warm up my rusty head in the cumin final exam in june. i think im likely to end up giving up being a musician, afteralll,everything started too late.BUT who knows. thank god for giving me such versatility.otherwise i wont have choices for my future...

life is full of surprises. and  i must be sth. or i will have had wasted myself.

hm . and shite! whyy the heck do i feel hungry all the time when im not working out as much as ive been lately?  

 i was dragged to the principals office today and asked to do an IQ test. for those people ive met today..honestly i dont care wt u are and who u are ..as they say if life is all a joke lets make it a good one.i try to live things in the fullest extent,well for those i really want to do. I have a big heart so i have a lot to give to those special persons.To connect with me should be a two way process i will do u if u do me... too many questions and they really bugged the fuck outta me. im a person of many faces, 'which is the real you?', nope they are all real.  *dead silence* then i was asked to go back to my classrm. these moralistic fucks really annoy the fuck outta meh.

---

david

now i'll see wt u goin to do when ure back.  frankly, i couldve left u already but sadly, i miss the 'being loved'  feeling. im worse than u deep inside...

music and schoolwork are going on well, as planned.

im not doing sports as viscious as before since it takes time to practise the flute and study...i wud def pick up my workrate until after mid june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cnt wait!!

for this summer, theres a high chance of me going to budapest and perhaps austria as well. now im waiting for prof dittrich's reply. hope it wouldnt be too expensive!

---

david

it was you who started everything.you said you liked me a lot and afraid to hurt me. then i told you i cant afford to be hurt and we agreed on age is not a problem.i know your family bkgd has made u into a person like this.

i dont mind about the age, 20 years,just as long as we love each other

you said you were not the type that would hold a gals hands on street. you said you were not that type who would text and give phone calls everyday and work is your priority and sex can wait. you said you wanted to go slow with me.

i dont mind cuz i trust you.

the night we slept, you said 'maybe im pushing you too much...i might have made a mistake' since we have such different lifestyles we made an agreement on meeting each other in free time.well youve been so busy*24/7* that we hardly meet in daytime and only dine out occasionally..we then spent the rest of our time in ur place.

i dont mind, cuz i believe your job is busy and i understand that so maybe we could have sth outdoor when ure free. ive got my own work to do too.

i only hope you wouldnt sleep with other girls when ure away cuz i like you...'no reply' are we over now? 'listen, im very stressful and busy at work, i dont know why you come up with the question, bye.'

2 days later u were like, gone with the wind but still i reminded u to buy the GNC thing.then we were disconnected for a whole two weeks,no phone calls no emails. now that ure back, and i dont know that until i read from facebook.

i tried not to think too much, maybe you're just busy for those fitness conventions.

'why dont you speak to me?' '....jetlag, blah blah'

you said you missed me all the time. i hope u werent lying cuz i believe the every words u say to me.

'what do you want to say to me after so long? ' 'gosh so much pressure from you'

am i giving you this much pressure? for a man 20 years older than me?

i just want that slight bit of assurance and security ..am i demanding too much from you?

people say ive been finding so much excuses from you but honestly what more can i do ? i still belive you like me after all these.

for love, i choose to follow my feelings...what romantic?yes it could be. what hopeless fool? aw right...maybe

 

 

'why dont you talk to meh?'

at this moment, i cant care what you think of me anymore. its not the way to do things.....not sayin one word? what am i supposed to do ?

god. ive been trying to convince myself ure just busy, and sadly, i still am.

what hopeless foool.

well obviously we are over...............................i just cant get over it. i told u......................whyy

im shattered

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ill wait and see what happens until after ur jetlag is gone. damn it i miss you so much

 

cant you people cast your conscience elsewhere, adn you will find theres much work to be done.

take the palestinians,for example,i wonder why,not even mr sarkozy -who has reportedly laid down conditions for attending the olympics- has threatened boycotts when israeli bombs flatten their women and children??
And the US congress seemed to have got its conscience all muddled up. Instead of voting to condemn the oppressor, as in the case of china over tibet, it has voted consistently to condemn the oppressed palestinians rather than the israeli occupiers. maybe its got sth to do with the fact that israel is a US ally.

Also, explaini the US frinedliness with oil-rich saudi arabia, where human rights are non-existent, alleged robbers have their hands choopped off, women arent allowed to drive and religious freedom are dirty words.

whyy waste all these new-found fury by aiming at china alone? there r plenty of other worthy targets if we put our minds to it.

the venue and the spirit of the olympics should be over politics.

 

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why do you desert me

 

why do i still fucking miss you

why dont you fucking find me

why do i fucking love you after all these

david david david..................

now as you desert me, it seems everythings crystal clear without solid statement.....gawd! not even a single word. ''cant get over losing you'', i told you, i cant afford this.

 

 

mondays are painful tuesdays are annoying and on wednesdays, im numb. ..let me count on, im dead on thursday and excited on fridays. for saturdays and sundays IM ALIVE>

work work work....

 

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david. ur unbelievable.

 

i  feel sorry for myself. cuz i still believe and choose to give hope in you. sigh. what a fool

i hvnt heard frm u since our fight. i heard ur coming back this sat...i heard.  

its likely that im goin to disappoint myself this weekend. since i still feel ull find me when ure back here ...im convinced that u wont but still........i hope ...i wish. i desire...............

sigh.. 

fool

fool

foolish fool 

 

ive been trying to attain some perfections in music whilst attempting to have some academic breakthrough llol everythings gotta be better .......though inside.im not quite willing to work so hard but i dont want to regret when i grow old. ..

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i dont know whyy.........i miss you so fucking much

 

sebastian. why do you have to be soo good to me.

theres no other man like u. nothing could be turned back, so i choose to follow my heart and here i am, started with david.....and for the rest of my life

---

david. . . are the unknown calls from you ?

 

 

 im working hard to sort out my career. i cant let myself wasting the time. 

everything is to be cleared until the end of august. 

---

 

hm david i saw ur name on schedule for next week? ur coming back?

sigh, ur like disappeared ..left me without saying one word.

perhaps ur really busy. now i understand why you said u were a strange person in the beginning.

david, this is the excuse for you of today, friday.

 

good question.

for me, people say if life is all a joke lets make it a gd one.i try to live things in the fullest extent,well ,only for those i really want to do. this is me

today i bought some music from justflute.com. im not sure if i were to become a musician in the future but i'll def do the LTCL this november. at the moment i will have to focus on music and study until the end of this year, i'll have everything sort out. Time for some vigorous work

apart from my career, my love life is totally messed up. im so destroyed. 

 

---

david,

 

where are the promises u made? 

ive made up every excuses for you already. all u need to do is to write to meh. then i'll know wt to do. 

yes, im a fool in love

 

i cant believe you're doing this to me. i feel like everything is planned. 

david, pleasesay something, at least...you're destroying my heart.

now, finally i could squeeze some tears.

im shattered.

thank you mike, thank you

i must get back to life. i must. 

been gainin weight since the instructors training lol awwww man summers coming, time to shape up again!

hmm went to the ocean park with huey today.. she cud be  my lifetime friend.

undoubtedly we made the saddest pair in the park

lol

now im off to do my exercise now

ciao

xx 

 

---

david :(

 

why are you doing this to me?

wheres the promise you made in the beginning...

you are destroying me 

 

im not trying to make you feel uncomfortable, im not trying to make you anything at all.

and you shouldnt blow the chance when youve got the chance to say...

this is pure and simple and you should realize that its coming from heart not my head

i love you

i honestly love you 

 this song says it all

---

 

corpo sano mano sano 

Mood: so sad

honestly if you really like someone you wou't sleep with others.

'will you sleep with other girls when you're away?' 'mmmmmmmmmm' thank you.

im glad you're being so honest.im disappointed.

cuz you got everything started, saying you like me and sleeping with me. then in the next second, we are like nothing has happened between us. i still remember how it all began. you said you wouldnt hurt me. you said i wouldnt know if i never tried. i made my step. and take a look at me now. im as blue as i can be.

 

i only want you to do something convincing. Let me feel you. maybe a little phone call a day is already a bless from you for me. now i feel like a fool after all these. sadly, however, i still choose to believe that you like me a lot. dont know why.

maybe you dont want to take the responsibility of starting a relationhip because of your work buden.i know its tiring...

 

love hurts, david, is this the end?

'BYE?'now its my turn for not knowing how to react.

my heart is wounded, the wound is long and deep. its bleeding with tears.

perhaps im taking everything too seriously perhaps im expecting too much from you

i was right once, what more could i expect from a stranger i met in the beginning?

 

thank you mike. 'yes vivian, u do desreve more form him and from any man u love'
i wish you were him.

 

020408

today...im not a virign anymore....haha....after breaking up with sebastian i realize nothing can go as plan, as how i want to be.

'you don't deserve this, you deserve more' 'i think im pushing you a bit too much' 'im not thinking about having a relationship because work is my priority but i like you a lot, very much' these were all i was told.

jay said 'he just wanted to fuck a virgin,soz but thts the truth ,most men think its hot to do tht'

 

the night was a bit sour somehow. maybe im just making myself a fool.

then just now, i met this amazing person, michael labaky. 'you will find by yourself that its was your first step in the journey of love; it's a long beautiful journey.' you're right on it, everything. i feel the connection between us, perhaps its cuz we have such similar experience.

i wont put much hope in it. oh myyyyy u'ree amazing. i will remember you for a lifetime.i have always been wishing to find a man like you. our similarities made us felt for each other. wow. if we could be together, it could be some unique loving amazing unforgettable experience.

---

i recieved an email from prof. dittrich. suddently i felt my motivation again.

i will pick up my work rate. hopefully i could have a good final exam result, scoring 85% a t least and playing music at a diploma's level.

now that ill have to gather some information of the music schools in vienna...darn it...if my they didnt betray my dad then we wouldnt have had lost everything. THEN I COULD HAVE MORE CHOICE, A BETTER, EASIER WAY TO ACHEIVE MY GOALS.

sadly, however, c'est la vie.

honestly if one has potential, nothing could stop him/her from doing anything.

genius is born, not paid

 

i know uve got work. but its not the relationship that im looking for.

we cant just only talk when we meet and not communicating with each other when we rnt together.u will make me feel like a stuffed toy. 

if you dont date me before u leave for the convention thing, this'll be the end of our story. sorry david.

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now that im able to catch up with everything .....hm until after next week he's away....then i'll start to prepare evverything for final PLUS music practise.