wondering and pondering

Haven't been here for so long. There are so much that I don't want to forget however feeling the need to get away from.

Summer vacation has started. Ive been spending time with my parents. Well, I chose to do that. I'm fed up with people. My experience, my past have altered me a bit. Whatever you say, call me an anti-social....ehehee I feel most comfortable safest and happiest with my parents.

Are gifted kids destined to be loners? I say, we choose to be them. It's good fun to play with friends and of course, it feels good to have someone to care about you or to care about someone else. However, at the same time, I dont feel much connected with them, we do !!......jeez my baby cousins callin me again....ill update once again before i leave for my budapest trip

x

David!

I didnt receive any message from you, and otherwise, you shouldve called me! You coward! And you said you like me and miss me? hah. 'work is my priority and i have to sacrifice my private life' HOWS THAT?

 

you crazy shite. I dont know what to say.

I've got concert tonight, with the Pittsburgh Youth Symphony Orchestra. Been busy practising and doing sports. I'm going to resume my revision next sunday. The preparation for CE should be progressive...

Other than that, I'm happy to receive my exam result. Honestly, I feel I'd be more successful if I were to continue to devote myself into academe.

Geez. I so wanna improve my English this summer!!!! And I haven't started preparing my trip to Budapest. I'm too lazy :p

xx

---

 

The look of love
Is in your eyes
The look your smile cant disguise
The look of love
Is saying so much more
Than just words could ever say
And what my heart has heard
Well it takes my breath away

 

I'm missing someone whom I don't expect to miss. awww But it's of zero chance anyways...I'm just an old USED stuffed toy.

Oh Dominic Fan!You're so good to be true...hmm

Over the past few weeks, I burried myself with tremendous amonunt of paperwork for my final exam.Now that I have a 9-day vacation, I decided to stuff it up with lots of workouts and serious practices. This is how I'm going to spend it on. Also, I'm going to start planning for my trip to Budapest.

 

---

David hurts me, a lot. I afraid I still haven't got over it, I'm still living in the shadow deep in my heart. I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to walk out the shadow, or perhaps, I simply won't?

 

Why do you do that to me? You don't even do as you promised.Why did you start up everything and disappear suddenly?

My life's been a roller coaster. There were so many things happened, my family and all those people I encountered in various activities. They made me lost faith in people. They transformed me into a person of steel but with a vulnerable heart inside.  

I told you I couldn't afford to be hurt like that. It's disastrous and I might end up living under this horrible experience for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I hate my good memory. Dammit! Perhaps I'm too good and obviously, being abused.

I try hard to pretend and enters into a state of conciousness where her shattered soul could rest on;where she could hide and let time to rot away the wound.

Great. Finally comes to June and in weeks time, I'll be  free from school!!!

 Now that I've been busy in preparing for the surge of exams at school. I said I would go back to top. Surely, later on Ill start gearing up for my trip to Hungary! YAY! However, I'd better prepare for the battle  at school first, for the sake of my parents. I need to secure them since they've devoted so much to me, all that love and resources contributed in my extra-curricular activities. Although they don't have a high profile, they are the wise. 

Apart from music and school, I'm rocking in sports really. Hopefully next year, I could start my triathlon training since I'm so busy at the moment!  

 I do not work hard for the present, but for the rest of my life.

 

Speaking of which, I can't believe David is like that..aw so BAD! :( Perhap, the secret of life is to appreciate the pleasure of being terribly, terribly deceived. Then you'll definitely come back as steel..

hmm No matter how smart I am in everything, I'm blind in love. Well, I mean I dont fall in love easily but once I do, it's like forever. I would be drowned in love. Aw what hopeless romantic. Because of this, I'm scared. It takes me a long time to recover from David's shite and the 2-year relationship I had with Sebastian before hand, is never to be wiped out. Yes, time can wash away everything, but for the latter, it's going to take a loong time. DAMN MY BRAIN. Sometimes, I'm deeply resentful at my good memory.

 

 Gotta run for my training now...

xx 

 

Ive been tres revising, practising and exercising.

Its really the crucial time to gear up towards my future. Now I'm working for my later life, not the present moment.

Being busy makes me happy but I an't happy to be busy with every single thing. After all these, as my soul has gone shattered, I found my shelter in such hectic life. Pathetic? I don't know. It does nothing bad for me though. My hardwork will surely pay off, unlike my devotion of love to someone. I can ensure a better future, I can have a leaner body shape and I can play better music too.

It's a temporary getaway but time is doing her own job. It's healing my wounds. However, the impact of my early life and my recent love life is never to be softened.

 

 

Now I know what's exactly benneath him. Finally, I can let go of David.

I'm not regret at it. I knew what I was doing. Who can control love.
awww What pathetic hopeless romantique heh!

He said he missed me all the time but obviously this is not what it's like, since, we haven't met since his departure for the trip. It's somewhat disappointing to say the least.Then, it's the end.

 

It's the end of a romance, not exactly a relationship.

---

 

Sometimes, things just happen in a wrong time. If you and I were born in another place and time, things could be different.

Oooh, so tres charmant my dear.  

I continue to practise hard. I continue to work hard. I'm not doing these for the present, but my future only. For a person like me, should deserve more choices. I dont want to waste myself since I've wasted few years of my youth already. hm I didn't violate it but I just didn't live my life to the fullest. That's not what I wanted. Life is short, and for my life, I want it to be something. Well, for myself, at least.

Funny! My parents said Dominic definitely had interests on me because he gave all his attention on me during the classes. Nah, it's probably because I'm the youngest in the class but one of the most outstanding one there. I heard he's a gay but anyways, it's so none of my business.Though, honestly, he's like Sebastian, totally my cup of tea. heh. But oh gawwd, I don't want another David.

Well, here, speaking of David. My feeling towards him has been subsiding ever since his worldwide trip. The feeling has gone sour and bitter. Oh yes, like salt on a wound. It's absolutely painful. It's not that because we are in zero contact now. But, I realize my innermost fear is becoming true. I feared that you only wanted me for sex. I feared that you were taking me as a stuffed toy. I feared that you took me as a part-time lover. You calmed me bit by bit in the beginning, just when the trust and the bonding was growing. There came this/these sudden cool down. I try not to believe it and convince myself that you still love me. You said you missed me all the time. I tried hard to find every excuses for you. Sadly, however, the reality is slowly unveiling everything. Or, perhaps it's just the disappointment tires me. My heart is fatigued.It hurts but I'm too stubborn to believe and so, feeling reluctant to let go.

Is it that I'm taking everything too seriously? Nope, I dare say no. It was you who attempted to move my heart into believing everything. And you succeeded in it. Or, maybe, like my friend says, it's all your fancy tricks to trap a gal whos 20 years younger than you.

Why don't you say a word now? 'Has something died? Are you trying to get away? Or, you're just busy?' You can simply say yes to all and then I'll go.

Why don't you say anything? Why do you leave me here and letting me to face all these alone?

sigh

 

 

its your day off today.  and you chose to spend it with your work

you said you would call me in 5 mins. but then ..not even in 5 hrs.

now i understand the definition of complement.

Im working the best i can to meet my targets in music and academe. I know these are no hard work for a so call gifted but yh... Its gd to keep myself busy. Otherwise, I might end up burrying myself in my memories, my family..and yes, david.

I had lesson with Sebastian yesterday..We remain close friends though there were some awkward moments heh. Well, Bei is lucky to have you.Seba, remember our time and I wish you love and everything you dream of in the future. :( My new teacher is going to be a french. hm Maybe my flute lessons will become more serious and substantial...Im goin to hungary this summer for sure, now I wait for Prof Dittrich's call, I guess he'll talk abt the my potential Austria trip?! .. 

Good, everything is going on well,exceptI cant believe Im still hoping you'll find me. Pathetic.

---

Is my hope for you subsiding bit by bit? Why don't you hold me,tight, like a fermata?Or is it that you want me to leave the game and, so, to avoid yourself getting hurt in the end? Who will be the injured one? Now Im hurt but wait, it's not the end, I guess?

 

 

i realize i cant segregate myself from music.

im back on playing the flute. heh. n now i feel so good. music is in my blood, its sewed deep inside my heart ever since i was 14..

my trip to study in hungary is becoming true and perhaps for austria, too.

life is full of surprises.

 

 

now i wish i could have one last surprise from david..sigh

It started off so well
They said we made a perfect pair
I clothed myself in your glory and your love
How I loved you
How I cried...
The years of care and loyalty
Were nothing but a sham it seems
The years belie we lived a lie
I love you till I die
Save me save me save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me save me save me...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

The slate will soon be clean
I'll erase the memories
To start again with somebody new
Was it all wasted
All that love?...
I hang my head and I advertise
A soul for sale or rent
I have no heart I'm cold inside
I have no real intent
Save me save me save me
I can't face this life alone
Save me save me save me...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

Each night I cry I still believe the lie
I love you till I die
Save me save me save me
Don't let me face my life alone
Save me save me ooh...
I'm naked and I'm far from home

not much to say abt scl, everythings goin on well. n well yeah, im likely to give up on becoming a musician. but i will work on my diploma.

 

---

 

u left n bk, its been almost 5 weeks. there hasnt been any proper conversation. only an email tellin me ur number...i was sad and disappointed at first. i felt like a stuffed toy. slowly, i managed to live with it. i knew i couldnt force u to do anything,which is, otherwise, meaningless.

i would prefer to regard ur silence n nigilence as an act of cowardice.It hurts. How could u be like that? its cruel its blunt and its devastating. People said weve broken up frm the fact that our contact has been cut off in this month-time. my heart aches,soars and it breaks.

something inside has died and i cant hide it or just cant fake it. oh dear, wh were u so serious n started everything in the beginnin? and suddenly deserted me like that.

finally we had our first proper conversation last night.

'i told u im a bad boy and u didnt believe it, remember?' 'i told u,ure going to hate me'

yes, ure bad after living for 36 years, being dumped by all the gfs that u had. u dont seem to have the will to change. how pathetic.

and worst of all, u came to me. heh. at first u were so serious and said u wanted to plan n etc . i truste u. but then u said work was ur priority and made a mistake. wt more i cud do. i told u i cudnt afford to be hurt in the beginning u said how would i know if i didnt try. here i am. i chose not to believe i chose not to understand the reality of u. sigh

maybe ure trying not to hurt me and let me to make my own choice.

i dont know wt to say. ive got loads to do myself. certainly, a relationship like this cant possibly last.our 20-year age gap, 2 totally diff lifestyles and ur irresponsible attitude towards a relationship....

u like me and reluctant to let go. and work is ur prioirty atm. i dont know wt to say.

oh right, u said u wanted me to be ur complement. perhaps i shouldnt be expecting much if i choose not to leave u  

for school, there r  5 weeks until my final exam. and yet, i managed to catch up with everything and hopefully by 1 week before the exam begins, i cn start doin some past paper.seriously, i need to reload myself, and tune to the combat mode. heh. no dying before the finish. gotta carry on until next march wooooot! i really want to improve my english. if i could have a proper eng tutor or perhaps for all, everythings gna be so much better. being the best here doesnt mean anything hoenstly since eng isnt the mother-tongue here and as donna said, this is just a small pond. think big. heh.

for music, on my way to my LTCL diploma this nov. sebastian,.goin back to switzerland is for your own good. last year, u stayed for me but ud better go and finish ur music qualificataion. and i wish ur old witch girlfriend chokes and dies. if ure looking for a substitute of me, sorry theres no other me cuz im so unique. i wish you love and everything you dream of when ure back. we are unlikely to meet again since i afraid my chance of becomin a musician is quite low. but who knows...

 

for sports, did 2 hrs of cycling yesterday. so gd. by this time next year, i shouldve joined a triathlon training!

 

 

---

david.....

 

its been almost 4 or 5 weeks since we last seen. 'miss me of course'?! never have u attempted to reach me these days. my feeling fades. fuck . why were u so serious in the begining perhaps michael was right on it. u just scared of the responsibility. i firmly believe you like me, at least you likED me once. i convinced myself that u are not treating me a stuffed toy but the reality is everywhere. heh 

you're not an asshole though all my mates r callin u that........hm but ure a coward for sure cuz if u like me or not u should at least speak to me.

yay herei got this another excuse for you.  

school- okay. going on as planned

music- lost my technique completely... heh its goin to come back anyways

sports-really fine.

myself- time to go back to my 4-to-4-hrs eating plan. otherwise im becoming obesed heh.

---

david...

 

wednesdays are awful.

the washing machine killed my ipod and hm, my laptop is haunted as it turns on and off itself

for the sake of my public exam  next year, id better to warm up my rusty head in the cumin final exam in june. i think im likely to end up giving up being a musician, afteralll,everything started too late.BUT who knows. thank god for giving me such versatility.otherwise i wont have choices for my future...

life is full of surprises. and  i must be sth. or i will have had wasted myself.

hm . and shite! whyy the heck do i feel hungry all the time when im not working out as much as ive been lately?  

 i was dragged to the principals office today and asked to do an IQ test. for those people ive met today..honestly i dont care wt u are and who u are ..as they say if life is all a joke lets make it a good one.i try to live things in the fullest extent,well for those i really want to do. I have a big heart so i have a lot to give to those special persons.To connect with me should be a two way process i will do u if u do me... too many questions and they really bugged the fuck outta me. im a person of many faces, 'which is the real you?', nope they are all real.  *dead silence* then i was asked to go back to my classrm. these moralistic fucks really annoy the fuck outta meh.

---

david

now i'll see wt u goin to do when ure back.  frankly, i couldve left u already but sadly, i miss the 'being loved'  feeling. im worse than u deep inside...

music and schoolwork are going on well, as planned.

im not doing sports as viscious as before since it takes time to practise the flute and study...i wud def pick up my workrate until after mid june!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cnt wait!!

for this summer, theres a high chance of me going to budapest and perhaps austria as well. now im waiting for prof dittrich's reply. hope it wouldnt be too expensive!

---

david

it was you who started everything.you said you liked me a lot and afraid to hurt me. then i told you i cant afford to be hurt and we agreed on age is not a problem.i know your family bkgd has made u into a person like this.

i dont mind about the age, 20 years,just as long as we love each other

you said you were not the type that would hold a gals hands on street. you said you were not that type who would text and give phone calls everyday and work is your priority and sex can wait. you said you wanted to go slow with me.

i dont mind cuz i trust you.

the night we slept, you said 'maybe im pushing you too much...i might have made a mistake' since we have such different lifestyles we made an agreement on meeting each other in free time.well youve been so busy*24/7* that we hardly meet in daytime and only dine out occasionally..we then spent the rest of our time in ur place.

i dont mind, cuz i believe your job is busy and i understand that so maybe we could have sth outdoor when ure free. ive got my own work to do too.

i only hope you wouldnt sleep with other girls when ure away cuz i like you...'no reply' are we over now? 'listen, im very stressful and busy at work, i dont know why you come up with the question, bye.'

2 days later u were like, gone with the wind but still i reminded u to buy the GNC thing.then we were disconnected for a whole two weeks,no phone calls no emails. now that ure back, and i dont know that until i read from facebook.

i tried not to think too much, maybe you're just busy for those fitness conventions.

'why dont you speak to me?' '....jetlag, blah blah'

you said you missed me all the time. i hope u werent lying cuz i believe the every words u say to me.

'what do you want to say to me after so long? ' 'gosh so much pressure from you'

am i giving you this much pressure? for a man 20 years older than me?

i just want that slight bit of assurance and security ..am i demanding too much from you?

people say ive been finding so much excuses from you but honestly what more can i do ? i still belive you like me after all these.

for love, i choose to follow my feelings...what romantic?yes it could be. what hopeless fool? aw right...maybe

 

 

'why dont you talk to meh?'

at this moment, i cant care what you think of me anymore. its not the way to do things.....not sayin one word? what am i supposed to do ?

god. ive been trying to convince myself ure just busy, and sadly, i still am.

what hopeless foool.

well obviously we are over...............................i just cant get over it. i told u......................whyy

im shattered

---

ill wait and see what happens until after ur jetlag is gone. damn it i miss you so much

 

cant you people cast your conscience elsewhere, adn you will find theres much work to be done.

take the palestinians,for example,i wonder why,not even mr sarkozy -who has reportedly laid down conditions for attending the olympics- has threatened boycotts when israeli bombs flatten their women and children??
And the US congress seemed to have got its conscience all muddled up. Instead of voting to condemn the oppressor, as in the case of china over tibet, it has voted consistently to condemn the oppressed palestinians rather than the israeli occupiers. maybe its got sth to do with the fact that israel is a US ally.

Also, explaini the US frinedliness with oil-rich saudi arabia, where human rights are non-existent, alleged robbers have their hands choopped off, women arent allowed to drive and religious freedom are dirty words.

whyy waste all these new-found fury by aiming at china alone? there r plenty of other worthy targets if we put our minds to it.

the venue and the spirit of the olympics should be over politics.

 

---

why do you desert me

 

why do i still fucking miss you

why dont you fucking find me

why do i fucking love you after all these

david david david..................

now as you desert me, it seems everythings crystal clear without solid statement.....gawd! not even a single word. ''cant get over losing you'', i told you, i cant afford this.