The Ramblings of a Tempermental Artist

May 4, 2005 at 02:57 o\clock

its never enough

by: utamelody84

Mood: distraught
Listening to: nothing- my thoughts would drown it out

As we all know, I am one of those unfortunate individuals who's faults are blatantly obvious.  I cannot escape them if I tried my hardest.  I am the first to admit that I am imperfect, but sometimes it is overwhelming when I am faced with my flaws.  i have struggled with many things this semester; some things I have discussed openly, others I have been tormented with very privately.  But please know that what you see is barely the surface of my inward struggle.  When anyone brings up my faults, it feels like a dagger straight to my heart- yet another painful reminder of how little I have accomplished in my struggle to become a better person.  I am surrounded by people who love me (though I have never been sure why) but still I can only see what I do wrong.  It's like a bad horror movie that I am forced to watch everyday, but I can't walk away from.  Why can't I just be a better person?  WHy can't I wake up tomorrow and finally not make the same mistakes over and over again? When I am finally in bed at night, and all is quiet, I can't sleep because I look back on the day with pain in my heart.  No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I pray and cry out to God to deliver me from myself, i am still in the same boat.  Still just as bad off as six months ago, a year ago, or ten.  Why do I fall into the same traps over and over, as if I don't know what to look for?  I constantly feel like a failure- if I manage to make progress in one area of my life, the rest of it falls apart.  I see people around me who seem to have it all together (even though I know that isnt possible) and i become even more discouraged.  I am so weary of this battle against myself.  I need some sort of encouragement, but all I recieve is criticism- from myself mostly.

Apr 15, 2005 at 19:54 o\clock

Stress

by: utamelody84

Mood: relieved
Listening to: Interpol (I know it doesn't go with the mood, whatever)

OK, so the last few weeks have been some of the most stressful of my life.  Everything from papers to tests were due on practically the same day.  Through this experience with attempting to mingle with others who were just as stressed out as myself, I noticed something.  Stress changes people's behavior.  And not in a good way, might I add.  I noticed (myself included of course) that people who tended to be easy going and very friendly were suddenly transformed into completely unrecognizable creatures.  They became short tempered, moody, and ultimately hard to get along with.  Keep in mind that I was also behaving in the same way.  So, when two very stressed out people attempt to have a civil conversation, its disastrous.  Visualize Spain's Run of the Bulls.  In a china shop.  In the dark.  I noticed that my relationships were becoming increasingly strained for no apparent reason.  I was easliy irritated with things being said and done that would normally not even cause a second thought.  I easily offened others, and was easily offended.  I was convinced that there were cranky pills being slipped into everyone else's drinks when I realized something:  I was most of the problem!  Inconcievable!  Those loving friends of mine were merely reacting to my bad attitude!  Not knowing what I was doing, I expected them to respond with kindness to my bitter words.  Although that may be what Jesus would have done, it is inhuman to expect such behavior from others.  Because Jesus was not human.  Not to say that we shouldn't strive to turn the other cheek, but lets be real people, if someone mouths off to me, my response probably won't be sugar coated.  Therefore I can't possibly expect it from other people.  So a sincere apology is due to all of you who were so kind as to put up with my crap.  Thank you for being a bigger person than I.  SO what have I learned from all of this?  It isnt my friends' fault if I am stressed out.  Maybe if I hadn't procrastinated all semester, I wouldn't have been in such a state in the first place.  But procrastinating is an issue for another day.  I can't learn more than one lesson from God at a time.  Its too much for me to handle.  Peace and grace to you all.

Apr 1, 2005 at 00:17 o\clock

No more climbing for me

by: utamelody84

Mood: comtemplative
Listening to: (dont laugh) John Mayer

OK, so I have gotten a slightly banged up pair of knees from attempting to climb a billboard with Adam and Megan.  Don't ask me what I was thinking, I was incredibly bored and sick of studying all week.  It was quite an adventure, and I am always up for that.  I have been doing quite a lot of reflection this semester, and have come to the realization that I am unbelievably blessed.  God has truely given me everything that I have ever wanted or needed.  I have a loving family, great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and I really am happy here at High Point. I have finally reached the point in my life where I can be content with what has been given to me (its a lot easier when you have had much worse).  Dont' get me wrong, my life hasn't always been (or ever, really) peachy, but I am glad for those experiences. Because now I am so excited about the things that I have now.  I think if I hadn't gone to St. Andrews first, I would have taken everything I did have for granted.  I am so glad I haven't been able to do that.  I am so appreciative of the small things that God does for me.  I will give you an example: ok guys I know we all complain about the caf, but I promise you the food at St. Andrews was much worse.  I will take you down there and prove it to you if you don't believe me.  And just think, if we didn't have caf food, we would take for granted the home cooked meals that are so lovingly prepared for us when we go home.  I realize now when I go home how much care my mom and dad go to to make sure that there is good food to eat.  It is sometimes overwhelming to see how much they do for me.  I hope that one day I can learn to be as selfless as my parents have been. 

Mar 21, 2005 at 21:53 o\clock

ramblings...more on regret.

by: utamelody84

Mood: hopeful
Listening to: Coldplay

So Mexican Monday was great!  It was so nice to see so many people together having a good time!  I am so glad I came to school here.  I have met so many great people, and hope to meet many more. About my last entry,  I have been doing a lot of soul searching about regret, and have come to the conclusion that regret is just like walking through life backwards: yeah you get through it, but you miss all of the wonderful opportunities that face you.  Why did it take me 20 years to realize this?  Only God really knows.  I have also realized that EVERYONE has done things that they knew to be wrong, and EVERYONE has done something that they wish they hadn't.  So I really have no room to feel alone.  I recently read an article at Boundless (a college division of Focus on the Family) that spoke on regret.  It had a lot of poingant things to say; particularly making the point that God has forgiven us, and wallowing in guilt is a form of pride.  It challenges the power of Jesus' blood to cover ALL of the sins we have comitted: past, present and future.  Since I don't want to start challenging God's power, I have decided to let my past sins go.  I can't move on and overcome if all I do is dwell on my failures.  And a note from Colossians 3:12-13: " Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you."  WIth that in mind, those people whom I have been unwilling to forgive; I owe you an apology.  I love all of my friends dearly, even if I might not agree with them. Love you all lots!

Mar 21, 2005 at 06:09 o\clock

Too Sensitive

by: utamelody84

Mood: frustrated

Ok, so I have come to the conclusion that I am too sensitive.  I had a friend recently upset me concerning dealings with money, and I never anticipated the deep hurt I am currently feeling.  I honestly don't understand why I would be so very concerned.  I know that once I put my trust in a person I trust them completely.  If that person violates my trust, I am unwilling to give them a second chance, no matter how minute the situation in which such violation occured may have been.  I don't want to be this way.  I don't want to be so easily hurt and disappointed by people.  I wish I didn't care.  I wish I were slightly more callous so that I didnt have to be so easily offended by people.  I wish that such offense weren't taken so personally on my part.    I also wish I weren't so hard on myself.  Whenever I make a mistake I sometimes feel that if I don't let it go it will somehow be penance for my actions.  Somehow I  deserve to wallow in guilt.  I know this to be utter foolishness, but still I continue to browbeat.  God has forgiven me, why can't I do the same?  I can tell myself this over and over again, but my heart still grieves over my behavior.  Maybe one day I can learn to give myself a break.