Its Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere! As Padge would Annunciate.
This is it, the hallowed, unheralded and subconsciously anticipated launch of the greatest cult publication in the history of subversive wit on the interweb. Sure it may be a shitty blog, and yes, the options are horribly confining, and true, the garish colours and wobbly font will eventually result in blindness, but we are officially on the Internet. Viva La Revolucion! As I would say after having a milk too many.
The Revolution, initially a school newspaper run in the halls of Terenure College, has outgrown its once humble surroundings. Today we cater for a typical audience of about 13 a week on the internet. Before you get a perception of us as Roysh Fucks wearing rugby jerseys with collars-up, and Chinos and Dubes, read our articles and reviews. For we are but simpletons with a lot of free time on our hands, hoping to exploit and foist our views on an unwitting, naïve generation eager for the slightest push in an alternative direction. And so, to business.
Since the Revolutions arrival, our fans have welcomed us with open arms, a medically dangerous way of showing appreciation. I am pleased to report that The Revolution has been embraced by so many, that only the few heathens that darken the corridors of our celebrated youth brainwashing machine are yet to be converted to our soul-destroying, cynically adept, dark side. As you all should know, all of our potential fellow magazine threats have been destroyed! Shit English lad-mags (cor blimey, you fat slag), free indie glossy publications (fight the machine) and the Irish times (I say) are now as much of a threat as an old lady covered in foam. Gentleman, victory is ours! Viva La Revolution!
Apparently these publications were such an embarrassment to life in general, and everyone involved in them in particular, that large groups of literary vigilantes, and foolish perpetuators of their once thriving sales, were so consumed with righteous anger that they began burning them all in a Nazi-style "Burning-of-the-rival-magazines" event. Various responses to our paper have emerged, varying from people spitting at us, to people lying on top of this spittle so as to keep our shoes clean. To our critics, you are the reason we write and to those who love us, you make me uncomfortable. If someone like you likes our work, we must be doing something wrong. Just kidding (fuckers!)
In this issue we have an interview with the world’s most powerful man, a man capable of destroying all that we hold dear and subjecting every nation to mass anarchy, as he says himself, "at the whim of a hat." As well as Padge, we also have an interview with the American president George W. Bush. After reading the first issue Mr. Bush sent us this letter, requesting to be interviewed.
Dear Editors,
Hey Y’all! Just wanted to let you no that I loved "the revulution will be publicationalised". It was exselllent. I laffed and laffed when I read "Juno and the Paycock". I was surprised you guys were allowed to say "cock" in a school paper. However I was a bit worried at your lack of your grasp of the American language. You made up a number of words such as "ostentatious" and "recognition". Once I saw a play but it had no guns or anything in it so I walked out. It was very intellectualised though and gave me lots of culturing. It was funny in the sense that I found some of it funny, just like the funny towels that the Irackis wear on their heads! Did they all just get out of the shower or something?! But I digest. I am righting to u in order too request a inte…iterv..talking with you. I’d be very interresanted in talking to Conitor as I hear he is also a good freedom loving American cityzen. I would like him to tell the irelanderish people that I love freedom and that terrur.. terru… Arabs hate freedom. I will outline my polisees of freedom, whereby I propose to bring freedom to those without freedom. I will set them free in the sense that they will be free to have the ability to be free. I will take the towels from their heads and replace it with a freedom-loving baseball cap. I will take their ak-47s and replace them with freedom-loving hotdogs and I will take their weird dress things they wear and put them on freedom-loving women. I stand for freedom, I sit for un-freedom. You sea, God tells me what to do. Once, in a dream, He said to me, "George I want you to spread freedom". I said "Lord, why me?" God looked at me with a twinkle in His almighty I and said "George, I want you!" and then I realised. The bloo, white and red suit, the American flag top hat! It all made cents now! God was actually Uncle Sam! Uncle Sam is America! America is God! I rule America, so I AM GOD! GOD begins with G! GEORGE begins with G! cowinsydental?! I don’t think so! Of course, I don’t think much. But again I digest. I find your paper to be freedom-loving. I love freedom. Do you love freedom? Sometimes you have to ask yourself a question. Who do you trust? A man with a towel on his head or me, a man in a suit? The answer is simpel. You trust in freedom, cos when there is nothing else to trust in, trust in the chillderen, as long as the chillderen love freedom. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
Good-bye,
W.
USA president / cattle wrangler.
(We did it! We captured Michael Moore’s ability to print libel under the legally impervious guise of comedy, and his ability to force our views onto the uneducated masses, who, unquestioningly, will believe whatever we, the puppeteers, tell them. I also found that Vinnie’s- a contributor and designer of the Revoulution- brand of unmitigated arrogance is fun and somewhat therapeutic!)
And so enough of this charade. Enjoy the blog!
Words- Ed Shanahan Sean Carroll.
