God's Blog

How often do you hear people talk about God's Great Plan? "Oh, its all part of God's Great Plan," they say when somebody has just been well and truly shafted. Usually the person who says this is the one who has done he shafting. "Ho ho ho, tough luck matey boy, I stitched you up like a kipper," would be the honest thing to say, but what shafter is ever going to say that as word gets round and it will spoil future scams. God's Great Plan can be applied to any reversal of fortune and is a perfect get out because nobody can hope to exact revenge upon Almighty Me. Lost your house and had to file for bankruptcy? Nothing to do with the con artist who sold you the dodgy investments, its all part of God's Great Plan. The darling baby you and your equally blonde wife have been trying for all these years turned out to have black curly hair and Negroid features. God's Great Plan again. Bullshit. Now I'm only going to say this once. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN. Not a great plan, not a little plan, not even a cunning plan like Blackadder had. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing on Tuesday afternoon. Just recently I heard some preachey type referring to me as The Great Scientist (probably had me mixed up with Einstein.) Well I quite like that because what scientists do is they experiment. And that is what you guys are, an experiment. I like experiments because you never know quite how they will turn out. I mean, I once though while creating a new galaxy "what if I made a wormhole to allow traffic to move between the matter and anti matter dimensions. Seemed like a good idea at the time, you know everyone has an antimatter doppelganger so if people could talk to their antimatter selves nobody would be lonely. Well, everybody hated themselves and so when the first doppelganger murder, or selficide took place, poof! I was left with a black hole 150,000 light years across and all that work down the drain. But what is a few million years to me? The problem was I did not think it through properly. But then it would not have been an experiment if I had known how it was going to turn out. So while it is never true to say "its all part of God's Great Plan," it is always true to say "hey, shit happens, don't let it get to you." BBC Get Writing