Mood: irritable
Listening to: O Fortuna by Carl Orff
Behold my children for am I not the Lord of Hosts and have some of you not pissed me off mightily. My wrath is awesome and you are going to find out just how awesome if I hear any more of this crap about intelligent design. I mean design is intelligent and some of it is downright brilliant, the Jacobsen chair, the Volkswagen Beetle, Dyson vacuum cleaners and thousands of other things were designed by geniuses. I am not a designer however, I work by evolution which even though I say it myself is a startlingly more brilliant system than design. Could some hairy arsed creature that dragged its knuckles on the ground have designed Concorde do you think?
Now could that hairy arsed creature have designed the first flying machine when he cut the leaves off a stick, sharpened one end and stuck a feather in the other to make it fly straight when thrown. See what I am getting at here? If hairy arsed knuckle dragger had not made the first throwing stick, Concorde might not have ever been built. Evolution at work is a beautiful concept.
The Jacobsen Chair, simple, comfortable, highly effective. But Jacobsen did not snap his fingers and have the chair appear out of nothing. If a close relative of hairy arsed knuckle dragger had not one day put a log against a tree trunk, sat down and thought "hey, that's comfortable," chairs might never have got started. Would it have been possible to design the Volkswagen Beetle if someone had not invented the wheel first. No doubt people sneered at Mr Volkswagen and said "oh, you're just reinventing the wheel." But he wasn't, he was evolving the wheel.
So why has all this talk of intelligent design pissed me off? Well before Mr. Hairy Arsed Knuckle Dragger inhabited earth there were even more primitive humanoids. Let's call them crimson arsed flat heads on account of they had flat heads and the women's arses used to go crimson when they felt horny. Their problem was they were resistant to change. Show them a great new idea and they would hit it with a stick. If I say they were animals you will think I am being Politically Incorrect. Well let me tell you, the only philosophical idea these idiots ever came up with went like this; "if you can't eat it or shag it smash it to bits with big stones." Well I thought these evolutionary underachievers were long extinct but it seems one of them has become leader of the Most Powerful Nation on Earth. And he thinks I, or someone who is supposed to be me, created everything worth creating in seven days by using Intelligent Design. Dear ME! It makes the Universe sound like IKEA or something.
This loneliness came about because of some stupid book. Listen, I like books, Lord of the Rings is great, The Da Vinci Code I would recommend if you are going on holiday. But they are stories; entertainment OK. Don't build a religion round them. They should carry a warning. "Not To Be Taken Too Seriously".
Now this book that is supposed to prove I am responsible for everything is nonsense, most of it was written thousands of years ago by primitive idiots who walked out of the highly civilised Babylonian Empire to live in the desert. They thought they would be closer to me but I wasn't there, I stayed in Babylon, so they invented their own version of me. And they credited me with writing their book, probably because using a celebrity name was the only way to get a publisher. I don't mind their mythology though most of it is boring and again it is not to be taken literally. Look for the essential truth, the symbolic truth. The story lines are more far fetched that a TV soap. I like the Song of Solomon though. Women with breasts like bunches of grapes, now that would be intelligent design. Why didn't I think of it first?
Anyway I'm rambling. What I wanted to tell you is that being the God of science, arts and humanity I did not create intelligent design; my Dad did. He was years ahead of his time because what he did was invent nanotechnology. See you just set a bunch of atoms loose and let them get on with it - and in a couple of billion years, poof! Concorde.Evolution is Intelligent Design. Teach your kids that.
