The Divine Will and Trevor the Ostrich
The Divine Will and Trevor the Ostrich
(by Herne the Hunter, god of the wilderness)
Some folk keep insisting that the gods created everything; well in fact they keep insisting that one particular very young and rather immature god created everything. The truth is he only ever created bad feeling between his followers and everybody else. Now I am a very old God, not as old as my old buddy The Ancient of Days who woke up one morning and said "I AM" and has never said anything else since. He really so very very old even he does not remember how old he is, listen
Hey Ancient old chap, are you the oldest thing in the Universe?
AoD: I AM
See what I mean, all he ever says is I am, that's because when he was at school there was no knowledge, there was actually nothing to know. By the time I came along, about the same time as Dana, Great Mother of All Things there was stuff it was essential to know like how to hit a wolf with a stick or that hitting a woolly rhinoceros with a stick is pointless so its best just to run as fast as you can. Dana taught the women stuff like how to keep babies healthy, how to make bread and how to bake a hedgehog by covering it in clay and putting it in the fire. I taught the men some very important things like if you find a certain kind of stone and hit it with another stone you get lots of small stones with sharp edges. And with a sharp edged stone you can make pointed sticks. And when you hit something the right way with a pointed stick it does more damage than hitting it with just any old stick. Once you know how to make a pointed stick you can even take on a woolly rhinoceros.
Primitive hunters were the beginning of a long evolutionary chain of men who make their living by hitting things with sticks. It ends with rock drummers of course.
The reason we, Dana and I, Dagda, Beli, Dis, Mananaan, Dylan and all the rest were able to teach people stuff we could not teach other animals was that people are smart.
Not all animals are smart which shows that the world was not created by gods, because once you have learned how to make something that is smart you want everything you make to be just as smart.
Trevor the Ostrich is not smart. Trevor lives in a safari park in England; you might think it is cruel to take him away from his natural environment but actually it was the other ostriches that handed him over. Trevor is a one - ostrich extinction machine.
The owners of the safari park are kind people and so they got a lady ostrich so Trevor would have some company and so the pair could do what comes naturally and make baby ostriches which would pull in a lot of business.
In due course the lady ostrich got "with eggs" and laid a batch of sixteen. Now half these were infertile which is not bad when you consider that ostriches do not have willies but have to squirt sperm in the general direction and hope for the best. Mating is bound to be a hit and miss affair.
As soon as the eggs were laid Trevor got territorial, charging backwards and forwards to fight zoo keepers, Land Rovers, wildebeeste, gnus and his Lordship The Marquis of Bath who is Trevor's benefactor.
In his zeal to protect the nest, the eight fertile eggs and the infertile ones, Trevor managed to break fifteen of them before they were ready to hatch. Most females would have given up and gone to work somewhere like the chicken ranch by then (think how much a chicken that size could earn) but Mrs Trevor persevered and managed to bring one egg to hatching.
A few days later Mrs Trevor decided it was time to go out for some air, she had been stuck in the nest for weeks, seen most of the eggs she laid destroyed by her klutz of a husband and she needed a break and a bit of female company. Telling Trevor she was going to visit her friends the swans she asked him to keep an eye on the baby.
As soon as her back was turned Trevor called his buddies round and was strutting his stuff, telling everyone what a clever chap he was and how he had magicked this baby into being without any help whatsoever when he trod on the last remaining baby.
Only a dickhead could create anything as stupid as Trevor, so stop blaming us gods and accept that the theory of evolution is right. Natural selection can accommodate a few unfortunate accidents along the way.
Ever wondered how the easter egg thing and the Easter Bunny got all mixed up with the crucifixion of Jesus (or have you watched "he Life of Brian"?)
Get the true story of the very muddled Easter myth and meet the goddess Ostara for whom the festival is named at <A HREF="http://ianrthorpe.gather.com">The True Tale Of The Easster Bunny</A>
And if you feel the holiday is dragging its feet a bit and you think a laugh would help things move along check out the latest at
<A HREF="http://greenteeth.blog.co.uk/2006/04/15/scream_and_scream_again~729738">Boggart Blog</A>
