God's Blog

Stupid Evolution - The Gulper Eel by Dylan, God of the Depths SFX: Sound of thunder and waves crashing against rocks. Music plays portentous chords. Voiceoverman: And now, direct from the abyssal plain we bring you the God of the Ocean depths. Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeers Dylan. Music changes to "Times they are a changing." Cut! Cut the music! Alright, who stole my fish. I know it was a Christian because you guys use it for a car sticker. If you want to know I find that demeaning. For thousands of years the fish was a symbol of my awesome power and you use it for a car sticker. Would you take the cross of Trismegistos and use it to symbolise torture and death......? Oh, you do. Well keep the fish then but don't go crying to Dana if I decide to make the waters rise and flood your most valuable real estate. I'm Dylan by the way, God of the ocean depths. There are lots of sea gods of course; there's Mananaan, God of the waves. He deals with the surface, to be honest he's a bit flashy, all front and no depth. Then there is Lir, God of the deeper-than-Mananaan-but-not-impressively-deep-depths. And then there is me, and it don't get any deeper than I go. So as Dagda has told me you people are having a big argument about creation versus evolution I came by firstly to enquire about my fish and then to tell you that we know evolution is right by looking at its stupidity. I know talking to some of you about evolution is like talking to a wall and I know some of you are really smart and know that evolution is how us nature gods get things done but there are a lot of others who are still unsure. The problem for you humans is your brains. Mostly you live in pleasant climates where there is food around and water to drink and the creatures you share your space with are cutesy pie and cuddly. You look at an ikkle-cutesy-bunny-wunny wid their twitch ikkle noses or at itty bitty kitties with their cutesy ikkle whiskers and pointy ears and you think "ahhh, nothing that beautiful could be made by accident." So you convince yourselves that's how things were planned. Nature could not create Disneyland if it tried, only God could create anything as phoney as Disneyland. Nature has to live on Planet Reality. You humans have around twenty five years between generations so you never see yourselves evolve. Us gods live forever though, so we get to see evolution's mistakes. Like the Gulper Eel. Now we don't know for certain whether evolution gave up on the Gulper Eel or whether the Gulper gave up on evolution once it had a mouth and a stomach. Because that is what the creature is basically, a mouth with a stomach hung behind it. The Gulper has never developed any eyes because it lives four miles down in the ocean where there is no light at all. There are two dark spots on its head, these might be the light sensitive cells that would have developed into eyes except there is no light for them to be sensitive to. The Gulper also lacks something else that all other multi celled creatures have. It does not have an arsehole, no hole in it bottom. What goes in must come out the same way, and as the Gulper, like a python, can swallow objects larger than itself there is some pretty big stuff goes in. Such disgusting lifestyle choices would lead to rapid extinction in the realm of light of course, what kind of creature would want to get smooch with a partner that shat through its mouth? But of course with no light and no eyes the Gupler's partner just thinks it has halitosis. So environmental factors mean the Gulper Eel never had to evolve beyond where it had to get to on the scale in order to be recognised as a Gulper Eel. Before you creationists write off the Gulper as the work of the Devil just think for a moment about those two dark spots that might have become eyes had the creatures decided to go for life in an environment where it would have been necessary to undertake difficult tasks like growing a bottom - hole. The dark spots that may be rudimentary eyes are a bit like male nipples, they might have been needed so they were allowed for anyway. You have more in common with the Gulper Eel than you care to admit.