God's Blog

Ah, howyiz? Its Dana, Great Mother of All Things. I suppose its been a while for youse but ye see as de Bible (cough-spit) says in 2Peter3 verse 8 to a god a thousand years is as a day. So if youse have been hanging round waiting, tough. To be honest we have been having a bit of trouble. John who works the computer for us went down wit' the flu an' is only just back on his feet. So Dagda says what can be hard about workin' a computer and if a mortal can do it so can he. But being beings of pure energy, us gods don't have de fingers to work dat little mousie thing and press de buttons. So yer man Dagda, great lummox dat he is, hits it wit' a blast o' pure energy and fecked de seepeeoo t'ing. But I promised I would be back and talk to yez about the names of Gods. And so I will. Now youse have a problem wit' dis, because Jehovah tells his followers "my moniker is Jehova and ifn yez ever says dat out loud I will smite yez." Eejit. But you see what I mean, youse are all mucks tip about de rules now. De t'ing is, every god has a secret name, including me. Away wi' yez, I will not tell what it is, its more dan my job's worth. Because, right, ifn a gods enemies find out what dat secret name is den de god loses all his or her power. O yes. So youse can feck off because not even Dagda knows my secret name. Now the t'ing is about secret names, dey are to do wit' what you are. See Hermes Trismegistos, his holy and unspeakable name was iiOUEA on account dem bein' the most important letters of de Greek alphabet because Hermes invinted writing what was a great t'ing for civilisation. When Trismegistos retired dat loon Ezekiel give his unspeakable name to the new god of the Hebrews (see mad Zeke lived in Hebron, so he calls his new religion Hebrew.) So dey had a new little God and as Ezekiel has decided he is the one and only god for the whole world (without so much as an "if you please" to the rest of us) de little whippersnapper goes storming round telling everyone his unspeakable name. And o'course its not de sayin' of it but de knowin' of it that loses a god his power. Poor little Jehovah, see he was never allowed to talk to other gods so he never learned how to go about the job. I remember him coming round here when he was about a t'ousand years old, de difficult age when lads start getting testosterone rushes, and he's storming around and saying "None of youse exist, I'm de only God," so I caught him by de lughole and I says "come here, little scab-louse that you are; now if I don't exist perhaps you had like to tell me who the feck is twistin' of your ear that's mekin' you scream so." Then I told him that if he wanted to be the only god he could answer all the prayers and look after everyt'ing because we all deserved a rest an' I sent him off wit' a face like a smacked arse. That was fifteen hunnert years ago and look at the mess he's made t'rough the telling of his secret name. You have to be careful wit' holy and unspeakable names. This week's Links: It Pays To Know Where You Are Philosophy - The Problem With God

Huh? Wha? Oh, howyiz? Ooooooooohhhhhhhhh my feckin' head. That was some party alright. Y'know sometimes I wish there was a higher deity than me, just so I could curse him from here to next year for creating hangovers. Ah, careful now before you jump in and tell me there is only one god and he's eternal. Well there are older gods of course, there's Dana, the Mammy for a start, but she did not invent hangovers, in fact she's suffering too at the moment having been at the rare ould stuff for the best part of a month. And even oulder than her is Himself, The Ancient of Days. Himself is so ould he was already senile in the heid when Mammy was a little girl. All she's ever heard him say in two billion years is "I am." Won't you look at him now, being spoonfed a bit of broth by Niamh* of the Golden Hair, a real little cutie (don't you think she looks a bit like Ghost Girl?) the ould looby is dribbling half of it down his ganzie. Hey, listen to this: Hey, ancient of days, are you alright there? (AoD) I am. And are you ready for the football on TV this afternoon Ancient of Days? (AoD) I am Are ye having a little bet on us to beat the Norse Gods United, Ancient of Days? (AoD) I am Are you fondling young Niamh's bottom there Ancient of Days? (AoD) I am Heh - heh - heh. And what did you get for Christmas Ancient of Days? (AoD) I am Y'see what I mean. Mammy always said I had a wicked sense of humour. Seriously though, his real name is Jah, the Unifying Thought but he's forgotten that. He has a couple of younger brothers, they're alright fellas actually. There's Ea, the cosmocrator and Hev the friend and protector of humankind, now I'm not saying he plays for the other side, but if they were a man down he'd probably be willing to help them out, if you know what I mean. See Hev is confused as the ancient scriptures says he's a woman but the people who worship him insist he's a man. The confusion is making him so confused his mind is not on the job which is why I spend so much time covering for him and all of us ould gods are making a comeback. But then we always knew we were ever your only hope of salvation. Which, if you could see us all this morning, would leave nobody in any doubt that you are in very deep shit. END *Pronounced Neevh (as near as we can represent it in the Roman alphabet) Footnote: OK Jamryn, put it together Jah - hev - ea. Next time Ogma comes round he will be explaining how the Aramaic (Hebrew) alphabet used in the Middle East relates to the Beth Luis Nion alphabet of Ancient Hyperboria (Britain). Hev is confused about his sexuality because he is the spirit that moves on the face of the waters from Genesis - and what spirit or energy moves on the face of the waters? The Moon's gravitational field that causes the monthly cycle of tides of course. Can you think of another monthly cycle ruled by the Moon? Well us guys are not supposed to discuss that so the moon spirit must be a female. But I'll leave Dana to talk about that. Boggart Blog