God's Blog

Mood: ironic
Listening to: dire straits

Hello, its only me. People often stop by and tell me what religion I am. "Oh Lord," they say, "we are the only ones who understand your message and so we are your one true church. Please stop pussyfooting around and smite all the other bastards now." So much for understanding my message. For a start I do not smite to order; second, I don't do religion ~ do not of you read the Bible? Third, nobody understands my message because if you did you would give up all this religion business and just get on with your lives. What makes anybody think I belong to a particular religion. Preachers are basically just a bunch of shyster lawyers, trying to twist everything to suit their own ends. And religion makes you so horrible to each other. I constantly have people praying to me: please God, punish that guy across the road, I saw him throwing his empties out and he must be a total wino. I don' care, let the guy get boozed, its his liver. I might do something if he is beating his wife or neglecting his kids, because of his boozing, a blast of pancreatitis usually sorts them out, but you know lots of people go down that road because they are lonely and it is up to you guys to help then, not me. I can't be everybody's best friend. And wanking, you know the number of people I get complaining about their neighbours wanking is really tiresome. "Please God, you've got to make him blind, he's wanking." they whisper. And I say "forget it, he's always wanking, it does no harm" but who should I really make blind eh? The people who are using high power binoculars to peep into someone else's home maybe. Yeah, you righteous people have no room to be smug. You are very fond of telling your kids I am all seeing, all knowing and yet you think I don't see what nasty little tricks some of you get up to, excuse me… HEY PREACHER MAN, LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE, SHE IS UNDER AGE …sorry, what is it with fundamentalist preachers and very young girls. Yes , one day you will all get your lifetime assessment that will help decide if you get to come back as an angel or a slug next time. I warn you religious types, none of you can expect to do well, except for Quakers maybe, because they listen to me instead of idiot preachers. And what is more, they know how to make great porridge. OK, that is all I want to say for now. I will deal with all major religions one by one later.

Mood: irritable
Listening to: O Fortuna by Carl Orff

Behold my children for am I not the Lord of Hosts and have some of you not pissed me off mightily. My wrath is awesome and you are going to find out just how awesome if I hear any more of this crap about intelligent design. I mean design is intelligent and some of it is downright brilliant, the Jacobsen chair, the Volkswagen Beetle, Dyson vacuum cleaners and thousands of other things were designed by geniuses. I am not a designer however, I work by evolution which even though I say it myself is a startlingly more brilliant system than design. Could some hairy arsed creature that dragged its knuckles on the ground have designed Concorde do you think? Now could that hairy arsed creature have designed the first flying machine when he cut the leaves off a stick, sharpened one end and stuck a feather in the other to make it fly straight when thrown. See what I am getting at here? If hairy arsed knuckle dragger had not made the first throwing stick, Concorde might not have ever been built. Evolution at work is a beautiful concept. The Jacobsen Chair, simple, comfortable, highly effective. But Jacobsen did not snap his fingers and have the chair appear out of nothing. If a close relative of hairy arsed knuckle dragger had not one day put a log against a tree trunk, sat down and thought "hey, that's comfortable," chairs might never have got started. Would it have been possible to design the Volkswagen Beetle if someone had not invented the wheel first. No doubt people sneered at Mr Volkswagen and said "oh, you're just reinventing the wheel." But he wasn't, he was evolving the wheel. So why has all this talk of intelligent design pissed me off? Well before Mr. Hairy Arsed Knuckle Dragger inhabited earth there were even more primitive humanoids. Let's call them crimson arsed flat heads on account of they had flat heads and the women's arses used to go crimson when they felt horny. Their problem was they were resistant to change. Show them a great new idea and they would hit it with a stick. If I say they were animals you will think I am being Politically Incorrect. Well let me tell you, the only philosophical idea these idiots ever came up with went like this; "if you can't eat it or shag it smash it to bits with big stones." Well I thought these evolutionary underachievers were long extinct but it seems one of them has become leader of the Most Powerful Nation on Earth. And he thinks I, or someone who is supposed to be me, created everything worth creating in seven days by using Intelligent Design. Dear ME! It makes the Universe sound like IKEA or something. This loneliness came about because of some stupid book. Listen, I like books, Lord of the Rings is great, The Da Vinci Code I would recommend if you are going on holiday. But they are stories; entertainment OK. Don't build a religion round them. They should carry a warning. "Not To Be Taken Too Seriously". Now this book that is supposed to prove I am responsible for everything is nonsense, most of it was written thousands of years ago by primitive idiots who walked out of the highly civilised Babylonian Empire to live in the desert. They thought they would be closer to me but I wasn't there, I stayed in Babylon, so they invented their own version of me. And they credited me with writing their book, probably because using a celebrity name was the only way to get a publisher. I don't mind their mythology though most of it is boring and again it is not to be taken literally. Look for the essential truth, the symbolic truth. The story lines are more far fetched that a TV soap. I like the Song of Solomon though. Women with breasts like bunches of grapes, now that would be intelligent design. Why didn't I think of it first? Anyway I'm rambling. What I wanted to tell you is that being the God of science, arts and humanity I did not create intelligent design; my Dad did. He was years ahead of his time because what he did was invent nanotechnology. See you just set a bunch of atoms loose and let them get on with it - and in a couple of billion years, poof! Concorde.Evolution is Intelligent Design. Teach your kids that.

How often do you hear people talk about God's Great Plan? "Oh, its all part of God's Great Plan," they say when somebody has just been well and truly shafted. Usually the person who says this is the one who has done he shafting. "Ho ho ho, tough luck matey boy, I stitched you up like a kipper," would be the honest thing to say, but what shafter is ever going to say that as word gets round and it will spoil future scams. God's Great Plan can be applied to any reversal of fortune and is a perfect get out because nobody can hope to exact revenge upon Almighty Me. Lost your house and had to file for bankruptcy? Nothing to do with the con artist who sold you the dodgy investments, its all part of God's Great Plan. The darling baby you and your equally blonde wife have been trying for all these years turned out to have black curly hair and Negroid features. God's Great Plan again. Bullshit. Now I'm only going to say this once. I DON'T HAVE A PLAN. Not a great plan, not a little plan, not even a cunning plan like Blackadder had. I haven't even thought about what I'm doing on Tuesday afternoon. Just recently I heard some preachey type referring to me as The Great Scientist (probably had me mixed up with Einstein.) Well I quite like that because what scientists do is they experiment. And that is what you guys are, an experiment. I like experiments because you never know quite how they will turn out. I mean, I once though while creating a new galaxy "what if I made a wormhole to allow traffic to move between the matter and anti matter dimensions. Seemed like a good idea at the time, you know everyone has an antimatter doppelganger so if people could talk to their antimatter selves nobody would be lonely. Well, everybody hated themselves and so when the first doppelganger murder, or selficide took place, poof! I was left with a black hole 150,000 light years across and all that work down the drain. But what is a few million years to me? The problem was I did not think it through properly. But then it would not have been an experiment if I had known how it was going to turn out. So while it is never true to say "its all part of God's Great Plan," it is always true to say "hey, shit happens, don't let it get to you." BBC Get Writing

Hear me, oh my children, for I am your God, that's how you expect me to talk isn't it? I decided to get a blog because think there are a few things must be said at this juncture. I wasa watching your World Athletic Championships in Finland last week and am just about sick to the back teeth of people taking my name in vain by thanking me for stuff I had nothing to do with. Now I am mentioning no names here, but most of the culprits tend to come from a nation whose leaders insist is My Own Country. Let's get one thing straight, they are all my own countries, Great Me Almighty! I, the omnipotent and omnipresent created all them didn't I? If I really had no use for Iraq and Iran I would have just put a bit extra ocean there. Now as it happens I would never choose one nation above another especially in something as trivial as a sporting event, but if I had to choose I would not support a nation whose people are always trying to kiss my butt. Don't any of you read my word anymore? I hate people who are always trying to kiss my butt, they are SO not getting into my Kingdom. No, I am not quoting chaper and verse, go find it for yourselves. You are all very good at finding bits that enable you to tell other people what to do. Who do these athletes think they are anyway, two minutes after crossing the line they are on TV burbling about how I helped them and gave them strength. BULLSHIT! You are all my children and I try not to show favouritism. Apart from that why such low self esteem? Anyone who has worked hard for years, stuck to special diets, forgone booze and sex and all the fun stuff I gave you should feel free to give themselves a bit of praise. JESUS ME, I created a hundred million galaxies each comprised of a hundred million stars, why would I be interested in taking credit for a stupid little medal that is not even made of real gold? If these people were totally honest you know, I suspect it is their pharmacist they should be thanking. Did I ever create any human beings who looked like they had water melons implanted in their cheeks. Well yeah, OK. But Minnie Driver is a one off. It is not just sport where this craze for kissing my arse has caught hold. I never have and never will help anybody win an Oscar, I can't stand most movies although some of the National Lampoon things are quite funny. I just do not do show - biz. Those kids who parade on American Idol claiming they are singing for God and America - let me put you straight; the little shits are singing because they want to be rich and famous, no other reason. Show business is so phoney I do not go near it; people in showbiz mention me only because they want the punters to think they are good, humble sorts and not the shallow, egomaniacal control freaks most of them really are. Businessmen drop my name because they think I will give legitimacy to their scams and crooked dealing. I know all about that too Did I or did I not say "put aside your wealth?" No excuses, no "oh well what he really meant was…" I know what I meant and if you have a problem its there in black and white. What part of "put aside your wealth" do you find difficult? Sports people however are worst of all. They are just hoping to attract sponsors or get paid to endorse products that will rot their little fans teeth and brains. It makes me so angry that these people can stand up and talk about their faith in me because if they had any genuine belief they would know that I, the all seeing, all knowing, can see right though them. I did not get where I am today by not knowing a hypocrite when I see one. And yet they still stand there and say "God was with me, he wanted me to win." Its effing insulting. So why don't I smite these arseholes? You might well ask. Smiting one or two people is not that easy when you are as mighty as I am. Have you read the Old Testament? Subtlety is not one of my strong points. Remember that Tsunami last year, all those thousands of people dead? All I did was snap my fingers to summon a Seraphim because I wanted a cup of nectar. So when some stupid runner is saying he could not have won without me when he means he could not have done it without the steroids, I just have to hold back and let it go or risk taking out the whole of Helsinki, and I like the Finns, they are jolly, warm hearted and friendly and they don't bother me much. Yeah, if I ever had to pick a God's own country I might just go for Finland, or Sweden which is much the same. New Zealand too, its very pretty and the people there don't cause any trouble. I would certainly not choose any place that is big on religion. Boggart Blog

Mood: hopeful
Listening to: Kirsty McColl

Hello, God here. Am I getting through to any of you? I just don't know where some people get their ideas from. One recent comment accused me of being a miserable old bastard who only ever laughs when he is smiting someone. You are getting me mixed up with the God of Abraham; you know, the one who doesn't allow dancing. His followers are afraid to have a knee trembler in case he thinks they are dancing I'm told. Obviousdly a few things need clearing up so I though I would get one of these blogs as it seems a good way of reaching a few of you. Let's start at the beginning. You probably expect me to say that I am the one true God and you shall have no other Gods but me. That's nonsense. There are lots of Gods, most of them are the true God, in fact most of them are me. The confusion comes about because of that effing book. All the way through it talks about the one true God, and yet there are three in it, two of us real and one a phoney. There is the God of Creation. He hasn't been around for a long time, some people say he is dead but I think he is on the other side of the universe creating new worlds as we speak. Then there is the bloke with the fuck off beard who turns up in all the pictures, you do not want to get mixed up with him, he's a nutter. He hates women and wants you to think you were only created to kiss his arse. Then there is me, the Oneness, the Force, the Great Spirit, and I'm a nice guy, tolerant, forgiving, I enjoy music, dancing, good food, literature, art, the Jerry Springer show (but only to see how many crazy ways pentecostalists can find to insult me) and hanging around with pretty females. I like the greek goddesses best, that Aphrodite is a real hottie, I love the way Hebe handles those peacocks, Athena is great if you like a bit of intellect with your glamour, sort of Ann Coulter with wings, and Hera, well Hera is a proper lady. The Norse girls are fun too but the Celts are a bit firey, especially Morrigan and she always has her hounds of hell following her around. My favourite though is that Hindu girl with six arms. Boy does she know some great tricks. So there, you can go with the God of Abraham who was invented by men to keep women in order and who forbids everything except glorifying him, or you can stick with me and do more or less anything so long as you are not mean and spiteful and selfish and so long as you are willing to offer a helping hand to people who need it. If you decide to follow me, don't go around doing things in my name please, that is just trying to get everyone to like you and think you are a good person and so it is selfish. When you do something do it because it is the right thing to do, or the best that you can do in the circumstances. What is hard to understand about that? People have trouble with my name. For some reason they think there is a problem about saying it. Well I don't actually have a name, you see this is where priests go wrong. They say "tell us your name O Lord," I answer "can't." And they go off thinking there is something awesome about my name, like you will be struck dead if you mention it. But being infinite and eternal you see, I have no parents (awww - go on, say aww, you would if I was a puppy in a Disney cartoon,) so nobody ever gave me a name. You can call me whatever you like, although there is no need to go silly with something like Qzlkzxlczxtl or Chimminychingapatam, Fred or Sam will do nicely. Overcomplicating me does not get you any brownie points you know.