http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head Me and my boring rambling. en ButterflyKeeper ButterflyKeeper Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:41:05 +0200 daily 1 It seems like 6 months has passed since I last wrote in here withou me even noticing. God time flies when you're having fun. And, yeah I guess I have been having fun. I hoped 2009 would be a good year and so far *touches wood* it has been. I guess I'll try and leave you where I left off.  Josh left uni. Yes it was a bit funny for a while; it took him a good few weeks to find a job, I guess the beginning of a recession isn't the best time to go changing your career path totally, but when he did find one and get used to the early mornings it was all good. He is a gardener on a private estate near Dorchester. He seems to love it, despite being constantly tired and suffering with sun stroke. He ahs bought a new car that he totally loves, and is now skint. But boys will be boys (replace boys with foolish), and it's something he felt like he needed to do. Who am I to judge anyway? Our relationship seems to have fallen into a wonderfully comfortable routine, we see each other most days,... Mon, 13 Jul 2009 17:41:05 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Whoops/88/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Whoops/88/ Apparently (so the BBC website just informed me) Jade Goody died yesterday. That is a sad thing. Anyone young dying is sad, she had kids and a husband. But I didn't know her, I'm not sad. I hope that doesn't make me too much of a bad person. Anyway in my trawling through BBC news articles I found an interesting concept. Jade Goody's life summed up in 10 headlines. It made me wonder if I could do that for myself. My not especially exciting or note worthy 25 years of life summed up in 10 headlines? 1. We ran from Winchester to Crewkerne to escape a poor excuse for a father (age 4). DARING DUO DASH DOWN SOUTH. 2. I met Jenny, the best friend an unpopular and strange child could ever wish for. We shared dog biscuits in the playground (age 4). FRIENDS FOREVER 3. I moved schools, from countryside state school, to rather posh Private school (age 11). A BRIGHTER FUTURE? ok, this is draining my poor tired brain too much today. I might write... Mon, 23 Mar 2009 13:19:21 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/10-Headlines/87/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/10-Headlines/87/ "Lotty, I don't mean to be rude; but do you have any ambitions?" I was asked by a stupidly intelligent drifter two days ago. "No", I replied. That was a lie (an accidental one, but a lie none the less). She was concerned, because she herself was questioning where she was going. She is the sort of person that really probably could do ANYTHING. That must be pretty daunting, and has left her, well, doing nothing. "It's better to aim at something and miss, than to aim at nothing and hit it", said to me by a significantly less intelligent and inspiring sales rep a week earlier. Both these comments are completely unrelated, and yet have touched me in a similar way. Thankfully, I haven't been driven to the pits of depression, and left questioning (unhelpfully) "where am I going? I am 25 and done nothing of significance with my life". I think right now, I am in a positive place. Confidence has been restored over recent months and... Tue, 17 Feb 2009 16:07:44 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Do-I/86/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Do-I/86/ The inevitable has happened. Josh is leaving uni in two weeks. It's official. He has told his parents, and they seem to be coping better than I thought they would. In actual fact it's me that's not coping. I thought I'd be over joyed. This is all I've wanted for a year and a half, now that it's happened I'm terrified, and guilt ridden. If it wasn't for me he would have loved uni more. I mean he still wouldn't have done his work, he's just not disciplined enough - he's just too young. Some people are grown up twenty year olds, some people aren't.  I am of course excited about seeing him more, and about not having to go up to Bristol all the time. All I really want is for him to be happy. But I also know that I am not ready to live with him. I am scared that I'll get pressured into something I'm not ready for.  Essentially it boils down to the fact that I really don't like change. This change is big and it... Mon, 09 Feb 2009 11:52:18 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/tick-tick-whurr/85/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/tick-tick-whurr/85/ In true Janauary tradition, I have plans for books and pictures filling my head, to the extent that there is nothing else in it. I keep forgetting about normal things like living and working and eating at the right times. I haven't stopped since before xmas, don't get me wrong it's mostly been fun stuff, but I am totally craving some time to myself. Josh has been here for over a week now as his car is broken, as much as I like spending all my time with him, I am looking forward to him going home Sunday and leaving me with some space in my head (not to mention in my house). I am starting to feel like I'm drowning.  I have three books leaping about in my brain right now. All totally different. 1. self help book. 2. Chick lit (that's been there for as long as I can remember) and 3. A teen fictiony novel that I know is just luking beneth the surface of my concious mind. At the moment all I want to do is read, research and write constantly. It's making me so tired that... Fri, 23 Jan 2009 15:09:33 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Feeling-Inspired-yet-restless/84/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Feeling-Inspired-yet-restless/84/ If such a place exists. God I can't believe it's the ninth of January already. Where does the time go? (ha, how old do I sound?) I thought it might a nice thing to write down something in note of the new year, and in memory of the one just gone. Funny how we break time up into little segments (ok, maybe a year is quite a big segment?) when really it's just one long continuous flow, it's not like it stops between days, weeks, years... I should probably write down somethings about the las big segment to draw to close. OK, so 2008... 2 Jobs - started the year at Fire radio, ended the year at Hunts menswear.  The latter definately being the better of the two by about a million miles. Job wise I am happy. I want more mone, everyone does, but happiness is (at the moment at least) the most importnat thing. I'm sorry but money just doesn't excite me (athough paying my council tax without panicking does) An extra £50 a week and I'd be happy i think. So... Fri, 09 Jan 2009 17:41:46 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Back-to-Normal/83/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Back-to-Normal/83/ ...she wishes for spring* (and it's only november) Tue, 18 Nov 2008 16:23:22 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/already/82/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/already/82/ I have just read Josh's blog. He hasn't written one for months. He only tends to do it when he is really low, or has unfilled (I know that's not a word) time. I feel like I've been hit my a ten ton weight. I know exactly the feelings ha described; the weekends are like pink bubbles. Filled by me and him, nothing else in the the world matters, then the rest of the week is in his words "an empty shell".     I feel exactly the same as him. time without him is wasted time, it scares me, all I can think of is him. all day.  Being with him is my whole world. He seems to feel the same. But I feel awful. He is at uni, he should be having the time of his life. The 3 years I was in Cardiff was amazing, one of the funnest times of my life and although it has left me fucked moneywise I wouldn't change it for the world. I dont want Josh to miss things for me.  I love him so much, I hate to think that he is miserbale because of me.  ... Mon, 10 Nov 2008 12:23:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Shit./81/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Shit./81/ I am a totally selfish bitch. Josh has got back into uni, despite failing his first year and not turning up for any of his retakes. He is doing the 4 1st year modules he failed and 2 2nd year modules too. I am devastated, which is awful. I feel guilty. I hope he does pull his finger out this year and do well, but I also want to run away with him and never go to Bristol ever again.        Mon, 29 Sep 2008 17:42:41 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Sad-for-the-wrong-reasons/80/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Sad-for-the-wrong-reasons/80/ Today is freezing. And so rainy that just popping my head out the window for a minute leaves me soaking. I hate september. Can someone wake me up when it ends? I'm miserable today. I'm panicky about money - I just do not earn enough to cover my outgoings. It's noy like I'm frivolous, it's  just that I dont earn enough. £4K more I'd be fine.    Also Josh moves into Bristol on Saturday. He still hasn't contacted uni to find ou if he can re-take the year, so he is moving up there blind. He's back after the weekend to spend a week with me, which I have got off work! YEY (I love my job, but a week lazing about at home will be lush). At the moment that is all I can bear to think about. After that he's there properly, and thinking that is enough to make my heart cave in. I just want him to be here. I want to live with him. Soooo much.   I wish Bristol would just fall into the sea. I wish sitting on the floor banging my... Tue, 09 Sep 2008 17:51:26 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Autumnal-shivers/79/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Autumnal-shivers/79/ He is a total Hypocrite, and preaches constantly about Christian values, while at the same time being so excited to meet someone like *&^; who doesn't give a shit but is a little misguided. Someone who is looing to be be saved? Converted? Fucked over?   "you should meet some Christians" "you should shag my friend" (it doesn't matter that you already have a girlfriend, she's not Christian so yeah, it's probably fine to cheat on her. Talk about fucking double standards. How can someone who calls themself a Christian; firstly encourage sex before marriage with someone he hasn't even met, and to top it off, encourage someone who already has a girlfriend to cheat. What a total wanker.       Thu, 04 Sep 2008 13:40:12 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/A-Rant-Sorry./78/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/A-Rant-Sorry./78/ 1st September. Could this be the most depressing day of the year? It shouldn't be, I left school 9 years ago, but it still signalises the end of the summer, and this summer (although it has been very nice and snuggley) hasn't exactly been eventful. Yes I've had some totally amazing times - Reading rocked my World, The Hardcore Weekender was AMAZING, and there have been some ok parties and a few bevvies on the beaach. But the weather has mostly sucked, and all the usual outdoor summer parties have sort of not happened this year. We must all be getting too old for paddling pools, bouncy castles and Kegs of beer in each others gardens? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Could it be we are becoming ... grown ups? Fuck I hope not. 25 is not grown up as far as I'm concerned!   Anyway, I'm starting to get the duldrums, not only because it's no longer August, but also because Josh is back to horrible grey drizzley, full of annoying students Bristol in 2 weeks. He's hoping to... Mon, 01 Sep 2008 17:27:09 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Not-my-favourite-day/77/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Not-my-favourite-day/77/ It's totally unhealthy and strnage, especially for me - one of th emost social creatures I know. But seriously he is actually all I want. I wouldn't care if I spent the rest of my life with just him. I dont even miss my friends when I'm with him. It feels like he's my whole world. I wish he felt the same about me. I'm so scared of loosing him, and so scared of staying with him. I'm stuck in a spikey corner. An nearly homeless to top things off.   FFS I just wish he hadn't done this - it's so frustrating. He's ruined something wonderful.    I don't want him to go back to uni. All I can think about is him and Sarah, Him and Terrible Tuli, Him and Jess, Him and Sophie Adie, him and Kirsty. I wouldn't be suprised if stuff had happened with him and ALL these girls. This no way to have a relationship. I wish i had no concience like him and could do allthe things he's done without worrying. then he might come close to... Fri, 01 Aug 2008 16:26:14 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/All-I-want-is-him/76/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/All-I-want-is-him/76/ Josh has cheated on me again. I know what I should do. I should at best end it, at worst run him over and throw him off the pier. Unfortunately I can't seem to give up the little shitbag. It's not love, it's an addiction. I'm startig to think that's all love is really. when the addiction fades, boredom sets in then you cheat. Then you either try your damnedest to make it work, even though it'll never be the same again - the purity of your feelings will be forever jaded once you know you have been betrayed by the one person you would have died for, or you end it and are left broken hearted and without closure.   Funny, Josh doesn't write on here anymore. I never would have started doing this if it wasn't as a way to try and tell him exactly how I feel about him. Now I'm sort of compelled o record all amjor events and feelings on this anonymous script. It's an odd phenomenon. I wish he did still write in here. I just want to know what's going... Thu, 31 Jul 2008 18:13:21 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/He-did-it-again-and-proabably-more-than-that/75/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/He-did-it-again-and-proabably-more-than-that/75/ I don't think I'll ever be satisfied. I've watched too many romantic films, seen too many kisses in the rian and happy endings. I have this massively unrealistic view of love. And I'e been hurt a few too many times. I push him away because he has the potential to tear my heart out of my chest, but all I want is him near me. All I want is to turn the clock back (or to live in the rose tinted life that lives in my head.)   Can i live in a reality that I've made up? Does reality have to really exist?   Can I have a time machine please?  Tue, 15 Jul 2008 17:43:52 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/I-want-perfection/74/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/I-want-perfection/74/ On the surface everything is fine. But I have this horrible feeling that something bad is about about to happen. I predict that it could cause a massive change in my life. Writing down what i think could happen is too scary a prospect. But let it be known: FATE :  I am expecting you, whatevr you throw my way i can take in my stride. That's not a dare or anything you understand. I don't want anything major to change really. This is something I have no control over. Wed, 09 Jul 2008 18:24:32 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/too-much-to-write/73/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/too-much-to-write/73/ ...could be perfect. Beck is going on a dirty weekend to Devon with Simon. I have no plans and no money and no car. It might even rain.   This gives me a totally perfect excuse to do absolutely nothing this weekend. I can stay in bed all day watching films. Perhaps if there is a break in the rain we can go for a walk by the river. I can wrap myself in a duvet all day and lounge on the sofa watching trashy hangover TV on Channel 4 I dont even have to get dressed.   But all this stuff is no fun alone. It will only be perfect if Josh has been paid and can afford the petrol to come over to my house and hide out with me. If he hasn't I'll have a lonely weekend, with no money, no car, no plans, and rain.    Gah. *fingerrs cossed*  Fri, 27 Jun 2008 11:14:41 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/This-weekend/72/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/This-weekend/72/ It's nearly the end of May, I reckon that means it's summer (although it has been rainy for the last few days). Josh is home on Saturday, until September. That Rocks! :)   All I really want is for him to magically not be at uni in Bristol and to live with me in a little house with a garden and a cat here in sunny sunny bournemouth. I miss him when he's away. Even Blandford is too far really.    Tue, 27 May 2008 18:09:27 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Summertime/71/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Summertime/71/ kisses on the forehead Jumping in puddles with wellies on Yorkshire Puddings  Coming in from the cold and rain and having a steamy bath  Finding a fiver in an old handbag Lazy sunday mornings in bed with someone special  Waking up, thinking "shit I'm late for work!" then realising it's Saturday Text messages saying "I love you" Wham bars  Feet in flip flops with red unchipped nail varnish Going to the beach at 4 in the morning when you're drunk, and accidently staying til the sun comes up Clean bedding  Free samples of yummy food Getting festival tickets without pressing 'refresh' 800 times or paying twice what they're worth on ebay Someone missing you so much that they'll drive 100 miles to see you for one night Building bed-dens (hiding under the duvet to those people who aren't me) Borrowing a boys coat, knowing that he really will be... Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:08:39 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Happiness-is/70/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/Happiness-is/70/ ... of going into Tescos and announcing over the tannoy jobber thingy:   Bing bong "this is a staff and customer announcement: Beverly Thompson at checkout number 6 is a total fucking whore. It is in the public interest to bring to your attention that she has been sending disgusting pictures of herself naked to young boys who already have girlfriends, dispite the fact she is prabably married and waaaaay too old to look hot naked anyway. If anyone sees her husband it might be a nice gesture to mention that to him too. Thank you for your attention." bing bong.   Yeah I'm a bitch.   Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:56:00 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/I-have-a-dream/69/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/the_voices_in_my_head/I-have-a-dream/69/