random ramblings and the voices in my head

I have this habit of talking to myself while I'm driving, sometimes while I'm shopping too, people must think I'm crazy. Anyway usually I plan letters and diary entries in my head - sort of think about what to write on here, or in my actual diary. I rarely actually get around to writing the things that i think about, it just helps me sort them out in my head

Anyway, today I was out tootling around Bournemouth in my little car, parked up to go to the bank and rang Josh to say a quick hello, and to tell him that I love him. I do that a lot. I ring him when I have nothing in particular to say. Now, in all seriousness today was a silly day to call. I know that he is super busy. He has to wash his car, take tarry back to fareham and then get his car MOT'ed. So it was very unlikely that he'll be able to answer his phone at all until much later. And as I could predict he didn't answer.

Since the whole cheating thing (and before that to be honest), i always get really paranoid when he doesnt answer his phone. I dont understand it. I've never been the jealous type before, and I'm not really insecure - or I never used to be. Josh just seems to bring out a really strange side of me.

When he didn't answer I started thinking about all the places he could be... (I know that he is probably just doing one of the perfectly legitimate things I mentioned before), but all of a sudden I was convinced he was with georgia, or Vicki, or Beverly 40-something thompson, or Girl Sam, or driven to Bristol to see Louise Bruton who he blatently fancies (and has sent dirty messages to, and who he told about Sarah (and who is recently single), and if he had truly copmpleted my list, he should have deleted from facebook and msn anyway - but then he shouldnt have been smoking weed either. The list meant shit to him).

But then I decided that actually no, I wouldn't write about all my stupid insecurities (although I just have). Because I made a judgement to give josh a second chance. And this is a new year, and in my eyes, and I hope his, a fresh start for us. I love him. and if we are going to be together i need to trust him. I know I am a little paranoid, but i am going to try not to be. If he is going to cheat he is going to cheat, regardless of how often i call him, or whether or not he answers his phone. I have to leave him to it. even if it really scares me. I love him and for that reason I will give him the benefit of every doubt i have for a while, and hope it gets easier.

I have never, ever been so hurt as i was when i found out. i know that i couldnt cope with it again, so for Josh: Please, please dont hurt me again. I love you.

So... 2008 a fresh start. We had an amazing new year together and a perfect kiss at midnight. We'd better still be together next new year. I am crazy about that boy.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx