random ramblings and the voices in my head

"Lotty, I don't mean to be rude; but do you have any ambitions?" I was asked by a stupidly intelligent drifter two days ago.

"No", I replied. That was a lie (an accidental one, but a lie none the less).

She was concerned, because she herself was questioning where she was going. She is the sort of person that really probably could do ANYTHING. That must be pretty daunting, and has left her, well, doing nothing.

"It's better to aim at something and miss, than to aim at nothing and hit it", said to me by a significantly less intelligent and inspiring sales rep a week earlier. Both these comments are completely unrelated, and yet have touched me in a similar way.

Thankfully, I haven't been driven to the pits of depression, and left questioning (unhelpfully) "where am I going? I am 25 and done nothing of significance with my life". I think right now, I am in a positive place. Confidence has been restored over recent months and my creative juices are flowing heavier than ever. I do feel as though anything is possible. 

With this in mind I might set here (in a secret place where no one knows I store my fears and dreams) a few ambitions, aspirations, thoughts even.

I love Hunts, but working here for the rest of my days is not an option. I need to quit work, well of the 9 - 5 variety anyway. 

The only way I can do that is by working from home. So I either need to set up a business of my own (truthfully the responsibility of that scares me shitless), or write.

Writing is the plan. If I can write a book a year that sells well. I wont have to work. That would rock.

In the meantime I need more money. Either I get a second job (work all the hours ever, and die young with bags under my eyes the size of Jupiter's rings) or find something I can sell on ebay (virtually no overheads, and very little effort). Yeah, the latter sounds better. 

Stock can come from a variety of cheap/free places (don't worry I'm not a thief). It just takes time and an open mind. Plus maybe a sewing machine.

Travel. (that's a big one, and will have to be put on the back burner until my debt is paid.) But as long as I know I'm aiming at that, I'll get there eventually. Especially if the ewriting comes together. 

READ: RESEARCH: GO TO THE LIBRARY  - books are free there!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The inevitable has happened.

Josh is leaving uni in two weeks. It's official. He has told his parents, and they seem to be coping better than I thought they would. In actual fact it's me that's not coping.

I thought I'd be over joyed. This is all I've wanted for a year and a half, now that it's happened I'm terrified, and guilt ridden.

If it wasn't for me he would have loved uni more. I mean he still wouldn't have done his work, he's just not disciplined enough - he's just too young. Some people are grown up twenty year olds, some people aren't. 

I am of course excited about seeing him more, and about not having to go up to Bristol all the time. All I really want is for him to be happy. But I also know that I am not ready to live with him. I am scared that I'll get pressured into something I'm not ready for. 

Essentially it boils down to the fact that I really don't like change. This change is big and it scares me a lot.