I am a totally selfish bitch.
Josh has got back into uni, despite failing his first year and not turning up for any of his retakes. He is doing the 4 1st year modules he failed and 2 2nd year modules too.
I am devastated, which is awful. I feel guilty.
I hope he does pull his finger out this year and do well, but I also want to run away with him and never go to Bristol ever again.
Mood: bleak
Today is freezing. And so rainy that just popping my head out the window for a minute leaves me soaking.
I hate september. Can someone wake me up when it ends?
I'm miserable today. I'm panicky about money - I just do not earn enough to cover my outgoings. It's noy like I'm frivolous, it's just that I dont earn enough. £4K more I'd be fine.
Also Josh moves into Bristol on Saturday. He still hasn't contacted uni to find ou if he can re-take the year, so he is moving up there blind. He's back after the weekend to spend a week with me, which I have got off work! YEY (I love my job, but a week lazing about at home will be lush). At the moment that is all I can bear to think about. After that he's there properly, and thinking that is enough to make my heart cave in. I just want him to be here. I want to live with him. Soooo much.
I wish Bristol would just fall into the sea. I wish sitting on the floor banging my fists in anger was enough to get what I want.
I wish i could win the lottery.
I wish HSBC would be reasonable and not charge me £70 for going over my overdraft.
Mood: Cross and Apathetic
He is a total Hypocrite, and preaches constantly about Christian values, while at the same time being so excited to meet someone like *&^; who doesn't give a shit but is a little misguided. Someone who is looing to be be saved? Converted? Fucked over?
"you should meet some Christians" "you should shag my friend" (it doesn't matter that you already have a girlfriend, she's not Christian so yeah, it's probably fine to cheat on her. Talk about fucking double standards. How can someone who calls themself a Christian; firstly encourage sex before marriage with someone he hasn't even met, and to top it off, encourage someone who already has a girlfriend to cheat. What a total wanker.
Mood: Meh
1st September. Could this be the most depressing day of the year? It shouldn't be, I left school 9 years ago, but it still signalises the end of the summer, and this summer (although it has been very nice and snuggley) hasn't exactly been eventful. Yes I've had some totally amazing times - Reading rocked my World, The Hardcore Weekender was AMAZING, and there have been some ok parties and a few bevvies on the beaach. But the weather has mostly sucked, and all the usual outdoor summer parties have sort of not happened this year. We must all be getting too old for paddling pools, bouncy castles and Kegs of beer in each others gardens? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Could it be we are becoming ... grown ups? Fuck I hope not. 25 is not grown up as far as I'm concerned!
Anyway, I'm starting to get the duldrums, not only because it's no longer August, but also because Josh is back to horrible grey drizzley, full of annoying students Bristol in 2 weeks. He's hoping to sneak back for a week after he's moved in, I was going to take a week off the shop and we were going to snuggle for a week, but I seriously dont think it's going to happen, I don't even know if I'll get the time off.
I'm really don't want him to go back. In an ideal world he wouldn't. If he faced facts he'd be forced to really assess if uni is for him. In my humble opinion it's not. He simply cannot apply himself, and he's doing a course that seems to be of zero interest to him. He has failed the first year, not attended any of his retakes or handed in any of the coursework that he had to re-do. I am hoping that because of that, UWE won't take him back. I know, that is an awful think to hope for the person that you love. But I seriously don't think we'll last if he goes back.
I would never give him an ultimatum. But I kind of wish I was the sort of person who would. I want him to do what makes him happy, but I also want to be happy myself. I am not when he is there. i dont want another 3 or 4 years of missing him and paranoia. I wish I trusted him. It would make this whole thing a lot easier.
I hate Bristol. I wish UWE would burn to the ground. I wish facebook didn't exist. I wish I could live in a house in Devon with a devoted Josh who didn't even want to look at another girl, and stay at home cuddling all day and not have to work.
I shouldn't be so childish.
