Mood: a little teary
I love Josh with everything I have. I never want to loose him and I have no intention of breaking up with him anytime soon, or ever in fact.
There is so much about our relationship that works so well. He is caring and affectionate, he tells me how he feels, we have sooo much fun together, we have great sex, he likes to make exciting plans for the future, we share loads of interests and always have something to talk about. It's almost perfect.
Apart from him cheating on me. It was ages ago, and I forgave him and took him back (please dont judge me for that - i had my reasons). Things have been getting easier over time - I mean I did only find out in December, that's only 5 months, which I guess in the grand scheme of things isn't too long. But I am terrifid that I'll never trust him again. Can I have a long term realtionship with someone that I dont trust.
The sad truth is that realistically I actually dont think he'll do it again, and I think he really does regret it more than anything else he's ever done. But everyday I still spend about 50% of my waking life wondering where he is, who he's with and what he's doing. I am not a jealous person, I'm certainly not the kind of girl that gets mad if her boyfriend has fmale friends, and I would be unbelievably angry if any amn dared to tell me that I couldnt have male friends. But I get so scared that he's going to do it again, and it's destroying my self esteem.
whenever he doesn't answer the phone, whenever he goes on a night out, when ever he mentions a girl, I totally panic. I know that if he wanted to cheat it would be so fucking easy for him to do while he lives in Bristol. But I know realistiaclly that if he really wanted to cheat on me he could do it wherever he was living. I want to trust him so much, but cant foget what he has done to me. No one has ever hurt me so much.
I am convinced that he has a crush on every girl hge talks to. recently he lied to me about whre he was when he was sleeping at a girl called Sophie Adie's house. He was on the phone to me and pretended to be at home when he was actually sleepin on her sofa. I dont think anything happened, but it really upset me that he felt like he had to lie, but also I would have thought he would be careful about staying at girls houses when he knows I have an issue with trust. When he mentioned her name I knew I recognised it from somewhere - then I remembered - this girl who he said was just a school friend is actually someone who he fucked at school. So he can hardly claim that he doesn't fancy her at all. so that is something that I'm kind of paranoid about now. I sit at home wondering if he's been seeing her behind my back. Which I sure he hasn't, but it still constantly nags at me.
Also when I found out about him cheating, I also found a load of kinky messages to other girls - Like really dirty and suggestive stuff, even inviting girls out for drinks and one old woman who works in Tescos to come up to Bristol and get a hotel room with him. It's fucking disgusting, she is actually old enough to be his mother and is proabably married with kids. If I sit and think about it long enough it sickens me so much I want to break up with him over that alone. The things that he was saying to these girls were really intimate and the kind of things that I thought he reserved for me, because I'm meant to be something different and special to him.
Anyways, one of the conditions of me taking him back was that he never did that again, and that he deleted every girl who he'd talked dirty to on facebook (the eveil of all evils) and msn etc. I know he deleted a few, but certainly not all of them.There is one girl called louise bruton (loubrew or something gay for short) who he sent loads of kinky stuff to, and was also the girl who he actually told about Sarah (the little whore that he fucked), he never deleted her and openly still talks about her all the time. I know that he kind of fancies her and he has since asked her to moved in with him next year! I actually only found out about that yesterday, and hadn't really given it much thought, and didnbt say a single word to him about it. But now that I actually think about it properly I am kind of angry. He blatently flirts with her on msn whenever she is online. it really upsets me.
there was another gilr who he sent really dirty stuff to as well called charlotte somethingorother - I have no idea who she was or how he knows her, but I'd kind of forgotten her existance until I arrived at his house yesterday. He was closing down his computer, and pressed something by accident and a conversation between him and her popped up, the only reason remembered about her was that I recognised the picture. I didnt read it or anything, but he was pretty fucking quick to close it and kind of fumbled over his words when it appeared. see I'm actually loosing it, I soundtotally paranoid and I hate it. But he promised he had deleted all of those girls. the fact that he staill talks to them at all doesn't exactly fill me with confidence.
Oh well. I dont think there is anyting I can do. I cant monitor every single thing he does, I cant do anything. I just have to hope that he feels as strongly for me as I do for him.I would never cheat on him, I dont actually want anyone else. I hope he feels the same.
Bye
