random ramblings and the voices in my head

I am miserable and have been for weeks. It's a combination of work being wank and Josh being too far away. I hate him living in Bristol, I just want to escape to a perfect house in Devon and hide from the world. I am not truly happy unless we're together. It makes me really grumpity not seeing him. I never thought I'd be like this over a guy. I am being totally out of character.

All i want to do is snuggle up with him, I'll drop all my friends and plans to see him. But He makes me really happy. i miss him so much.

 

 

 

Don't know if it's because of the nutmeg, or because i'm tired, or because of work, or because I'm not seeing josh for two weeks and he rushed home early yesterday for some reason which made me a bit sad. Whatever it is I just want today to be over. Being here is killing me in the worst possible way.

Mood: feeling funny

I had the slightly foolish idea of eating nutmeg on Saturday night. It's meant to be a hullucinagen, but i didnt believe that it was, so I ate some, quite a lot actually. That was Saturday, it's now Monday and I still feel rubbish.

So yeah, just dont eat it. That's my advice.

Went to Just Add Fairies today. One of the best shops in the world. Talked to Celeste, who works there. I love her, she is a total legend and is always stupidly friendly and wonderful despite knowing that I'm almost certainly there to sell her something. I think she may be a real fairy.

We got chatting as we always do when I pop in there. she is very perceptive and I always end up telling her more than I mean to. Ended up telling her all about Josh and everything that has happened recently. strange how talking to someone out of the situation can be such a help. I cant even remember exactly what advice she gave, but it really put my mind at rest. she basically confirmed exactly what I already know, but nice to hear someone else say it.

Life is too short to worry. What ever happens happens, and I have no control over it. Leave it all to fate and it will all be ok.

Life may be short, but not so short that time spent lost in bookshops is wasted. It's infact a well deserved escape.

Bookshops inspire me.

 

Go outside, run around screaming and running and screaming, and screaming and screaming.

And yes, I might well be mad. 

 

Mood: She's got that Friday feeling...

Went to see Zelle yesterday and got chatting about writing a book. she has a really amazing plan for a book. It's amazing. We are gonna do it together. I'm sooooo excited.

My other book idea will definately get started this month - I have no money to go out at all this month, so I will be staying in writing. Lotty the hermit author.

Josh is back today - 2 more nights with my man before he goes back to Bristol. Tonight there will be no sleeping and lots of sex.

Might start a new blog purely for creative writing stuff - like a sketch book, but for writing, just to jot down ideas that I have at work.

The other blog isn't coming along too well tbh, just dont seem to have the time at the moment. Doesnt really matter though I spose. 

 

Because it's my blog and if I want to whine I sodding well will.

Josh is driving back to uni today because he left his revision there. he is rubbish.

I dont want him to go. I dont want him to be there at all. I want him to be tied to my bed all the time and answer to my every wim.

He says he'll be back on Friday, but I doubt he will. He is annoying and unreliable.

I dont like him being far away. I am such a child. 24, going on 7.

I wish he could have just gone to Bournemouth uni. 

 

 

I have this habit of talking to myself while I'm driving, sometimes while I'm shopping too, people must think I'm crazy. Anyway usually I plan letters and diary entries in my head - sort of think about what to write on here, or in my actual diary. I rarely actually get around to writing the things that i think about, it just helps me sort them out in my head

Anyway, today I was out tootling around Bournemouth in my little car, parked up to go to the bank and rang Josh to say a quick hello, and to tell him that I love him. I do that a lot. I ring him when I have nothing in particular to say. Now, in all seriousness today was a silly day to call. I know that he is super busy. He has to wash his car, take tarry back to fareham and then get his car MOT'ed. So it was very unlikely that he'll be able to answer his phone at all until much later. And as I could predict he didn't answer.

Since the whole cheating thing (and before that to be honest), i always get really paranoid when he doesnt answer his phone. I dont understand it. I've never been the jealous type before, and I'm not really insecure - or I never used to be. Josh just seems to bring out a really strange side of me.

When he didn't answer I started thinking about all the places he could be... (I know that he is probably just doing one of the perfectly legitimate things I mentioned before), but all of a sudden I was convinced he was with georgia, or Vicki, or Beverly 40-something thompson, or Girl Sam, or driven to Bristol to see Louise Bruton who he blatently fancies (and has sent dirty messages to, and who he told about Sarah (and who is recently single), and if he had truly copmpleted my list, he should have deleted from facebook and msn anyway - but then he shouldnt have been smoking weed either. The list meant shit to him).

But then I decided that actually no, I wouldn't write about all my stupid insecurities (although I just have). Because I made a judgement to give josh a second chance. And this is a new year, and in my eyes, and I hope his, a fresh start for us. I love him. and if we are going to be together i need to trust him. I know I am a little paranoid, but i am going to try not to be. If he is going to cheat he is going to cheat, regardless of how often i call him, or whether or not he answers his phone. I have to leave him to it. even if it really scares me. I love him and for that reason I will give him the benefit of every doubt i have for a while, and hope it gets easier.

I have never, ever been so hurt as i was when i found out. i know that i couldnt cope with it again, so for Josh: Please, please dont hurt me again. I love you.

So... 2008 a fresh start. We had an amazing new year together and a perfect kiss at midnight. We'd better still be together next new year. I am crazy about that boy.

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR xxx