random ramblings and the voices in my head

Xmas Eve, sitting at work doing nothing. A good chance perhaps to write a fare-fucking-well to 2007. Not working til after new years eve after today, so wont be online for a week or so.

So this is a year that I really wont be sad to see the back of. It's been without a doubt the hardest year of my life so far. I've never had so many ups and downs, and downs and downs.

I met Josh at the end of 2006, that turned my whole world upside down. I think i fell for him pretty much straight away... not exactly love at first site, but something pretty damn close. It was an instant attraction and a feeling that this person was going to be a significant part of my life. Cant really explain, but I knew he was special.

So, predictably, Rich and I broke up in March. It was so hard, and seeing him get with Jo broke my heart. Staying friends was really hard. But I think we're all good now. I still miss him loads. There were so many good things about our relationship that I will never have with anyone else. He is one of the funnest people i know and we still always have a real giggle together.

Josh and I took ages to get together properly, even after he had broken up with his girlfriend and that really hurt me. Especially knowing that he was sleeping with other people.

But when we did finally sort stuff out it was amazing. Pretty much perfect. Except for him going to uni. that was waaaay harder than i expected it to be. I miss him everyday.

I also lost my job at Towngate, had a big dilemma about what to do with the rest of my life and then ended up getting a new job at fire radio. Not sure it's forever, but it's good for now.

My granny also died this year, Xmas is going to be strange without her. I miss her a lot.

Then just when things seemed to be getting better, I was just getting used to Josh being away and getting things together i found out that Josh cheated on me. It totally broke my heart. I've never been hurt like that.

So exxentially what I'm saying is that the new year is a new start. I want to wave a drunken (probably teary) goodbye to 2007, and hope that 2008 is a lot better. Josh and I willhopefully sort stuff out, Fire will be ok, and there will maybe be some big changes.

All new and exciting. This year has been hard, but I have learnt a lot about myself and I feel a bit exhausted by it all. I think 2008 will be filled with good things.

Merry Christmas Everyone. xx

 

 

Last night was awful. It was Beck's bday and we all went out in town. We ended up having a big argument and she said she was going to move out.

It's gay.

... so she'd better write it down before she forgets!

Right last year one of my new years resolutions was to write a book. In true New Years Resolution form I have failed miserably! Oh well. I never thought when I made last years resolutions that this would be such a tough year, so the book got put on the back  burner.

Anyways  I have a new idea for a book:

 A love story of three couples entwined - complicated and emotional, a little like the film Closer. But told only by letters, texts, emails and Diary entries between all the characters. The end will have a cool twist and it will be great. I cant write too much now. but lots of ideas are already zooming around in my head. I'm excited.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just to keep you updated. I went to Bristol to see Josh this weekend. Driving there I still had no idea if I was going there to end things, or to make them better.

We talked a lot and spent lots of time in bed. I took him back. I'm sure I've done the right thing. Don't judge me for it. I can only do what makes me happy. Josh means too much to me just to give up on.

I've never hurt as much as I did last Monday. It's going to hurt for a long time. But it would be worse not to be with him and leave it unfinished.

So yeah, we're ok. I dont want to talk about it anymore.

End of. I love him and I dont have to justify myself any further. 

 

Mood: devastated

Josh fucked someone else. 3 times. I have done nothing but think about it and talk about it, and hear advice about it for the last three days, so I cant be arsed to explain the whole story. It's totally drained me, I'm running out of energy.

I still dont know if we're over or not. I know that we should be. What he has done is unforgivable, and certainly unforgettable. It's going to drive me crazy the whole time.

Right now there are only 2 things that are stopping me ending it now.

1. I can't bear to think of him with anyone else, and if we break up he'll be free to fuck who ever he wants

2. I cant live without ever kissing him again.

How totally weak am i. I know that this cant work now, but I'm still willing to take him back. Maybe... 

 

I've just randomly checked Josh's blog and found that he has... written something! *shocked* It seems, that like me he only really writes on here when he has something on his mind. I have a few things on my mind at the mo; work is hard. I dont hate it or anything, but the constant pressure and monitoring is getting to me slightly. This is something that I know I can't do forever.

Josh is my other worry.  I cant really put my finger on it, but I know he's not happy. He's not like totally depressed or anything, but he's not as happy as he should be. I'm miles away so I cant check if he's ok, or really help at all. I really hate being so far away from him. I've never felt like this before. Where all I think about is him, and I just want to be with him all the time. Jenny says that she's never seen me so loved up. It scares me how attached I am to him, it means he has the potential to seriously break  my heart. I hope he doesn't.

Still really seriously thinking that the teaching thing is the future plan, but I'm sort of stuck at the moment. You see, the closest 2 places to do it are Southampton and conveniently Bristol (or not). I love Bournemouth, it's home. It has the sea - which I actually need, I can spend hours just looking at it, it really comforts me, and the forest and so many friends, that I also need. But I could go to Bristol to do my PGCE, but I dont know where I'd live, and I hate moving house, and I wouldn't want to stay there forever, and I'd miss everyone, and I'd end up only having friends that I know through Josh. It would be really hard. But it has the added bonus (that strangely cancels out all the other bad things!)  JOSH WILL BE THERE! Well, maybe. I dunno if he'll still be there next year, and I cant make plans to go there if he's going to leave. Not that I think he will, but I'm just reluctant to make definate plans.

I have to get on. Might write more later, I'm not sure that what I've written makes much sense...