random ramblings and the voices in my head

I had a lovely evening last night. I went to Richards flat with everyone and he cooked pasta for us and we did laughing gas, tee hee.

It was the first time that I've been there for ages. I was fine, it didn't really upset me or anything, it was just weird - that place was like a second home to me for nearly a year and now it's nothing. Still some of my things there though - the bathroom still has all my showerstuff, and there were a few Cd's and stuff. Still can't really bring my self to move it. Now it's full of Jo's stuff too, it's odd. Not really sad about it, which suprised me, but still very strange.

I gave him back his parents keys last week too, I have spent so much of my life in that house, lived there for months on end, come and go as if it was my own house. Just strange that everything has changed so much.

 Aside from contemplating life's great waves, everything is good.

Still very very happy with Josh. He is a total star, and I still get tingly when I think about him. Everything about him turn me on. He has the sexiest back of anyone I've ever seen, his tatoos are uber cool and I love his tummy! I can't stop thinking about him, I just want to be with him all the time. Being in his arms is the best thing in the world.

Lotty is so in love. 

Today is Sunny! Huzzah! I will be driving home from work with the roof of my car down!

hooray!

If it starts raining before 5:30 I am officially moving to Barbabos. 

I cried myself to sleep last night.

Mostly because of Josh. Why is it that when I get upset about one thing and start crying it makes me think of every other sad thing thathas ever happened in my life and i fall into this downward spiral of tears. It sucks.

I don't want him to go.

I'm so tired today, i dont think i slept for more than a few hours last night. 

Mood: contemplating stuff

Richard passed his degree, he got a 2:1 - 1st for his Diss.

I'm really proud of him. Just odd that I had to read it on Facebook and that he didn't ring me to tell me. God how much things have changed since he started that fucking degree...

I'm happy for him, it just makes me a bit sad how distant he is now. Things can never be how they were.

That's not to say that I'm unhappy with my life at all. Josh is amazing, and I'm happier with him than I had been for a long time with Richard. But I really dont like change, it reminds me that I'm getting older. And I do still miss Richard - just his company. He was a massive part of my life that has to all intents and purposes disappeared now. Strange.

Mondays are always sleepy, today is even tireder than usual. But tired in a good, tired because i had a beautiful man taking up the whole bed last night.

I am so in love, I am really really happy. I wish he wasn't going to uni, I'm going to miss him so much.

Gah,I dont want to think about it. Just want to enjoy the few weeks that we have left, just want to spend as much time with him as possible.

I dont know what's going to happen when he goes - we are going to try and make it work, and it's only 2 hours away. I hope we stay together, I really can't imagine being without him now. We seem to work so well together, being with him seems so natural.

It scares me a lot. I've always been a 'no marriage, no babies, no living with a man, I'm free and fun loving' kind of girl. The whole 7 years i was with Richard i never dared to think that it was forever, I never discussed any kind of future. He was such a commitmentphobe, that I kind of taught myself to be the same, just because I didn't want to get hurt I guess.

With Josh he is adament that he wants marriage and babies and the perfect little family. I've never really wanted that, and it still scares me to death. I'm not ready to settle yet, I am not ready to say that's it, i'm going to give up my dreams of travelling and writing books and being a career girl in teh city -  I might not even want these things at all, but I don't want to decide yet.

The more i think about it the more appealing it seems, I'm scared by how serious I am about josh and by how much the things that I want are changing... but I still dont like being put under pressure to do big grown up things.

I never imagined that I'd be happily married with kids. I always kind of pictured myself as a single adult. If I did have a child (probably by accident), I'd bring it up as a single mother, and I would only ever want one child. Now every preconception that I had about myself is being changed by him, and it scares me. I have no idea what I want for the rest of my, at the moment I just know that I want to be with him.

But I also want to just enjoy the new romance of us being together, I want to make the most of the time we have before he goes to Bristol, i want to have a lot of fun, and get to know each other even better, without him worrying that we dont want the same things from our futures. I just want to enjoy his company and see what happens when he leaves. He might go to uni and fall in love with someone else, so I just want to be happy while we are together now.

Haven't really written on here for a few days. Today is a good day (despite a slight hangover from drinking too much wine on the beach last night, and a bruise on my neck from being bitten during a rather passionate encounter last night!)

I woke up this morning, snuggled josh a lot, got up, had a shower, then got back into bed and had amazing sex. That is the best way to start any day at work. I was nearly late, but I couldn't give a fuck! Ha,

I am so happy and in love, I feel like a teenager! It's awesome.

I have seen Josh everynight this week. He is perfect.

I had a bit of a neurotic day yesterday, thinking the worst for no apparent reason. I am quite silly sometimes.

But I think things are good between us. I hope we are together for a very long time, he makes me very happy.  

GAH! I wish I didn't feel like this.

But he doesn't exactly do anything to reassure me.

We were watching a film last night (Nowhere - very cool film) and Mel one of the main characters says to her boyfriend type person something like; it's ok for me to mess around with other people, it doesn't change how I feel about you, we should have all the sex we can while we're young enough to be able to.

Josh was like, "yeah, see?" Hmm. This doesn't really fill me with confidence. I know that he thinks that he can be in love with one person, but still sleep with other people. It's a strange way to think. I am really picky about who I sleep with. 23 and only had sex with 2 people, one being him. I could never have a one night stand, and I wouldn't sleep with someone unless I really cared about them. Sex is a big thing to me, only people that I really care about get to see me naked. Now I feel like I'm not enough for him.

I know he's a flirt, and I am too, so I dont care about that. Maybe he just likes the thrill of the chase, and now he's got me he might just get bored. And the scary thing is that he has got me, I'm totally his. I have absolutely no interest in any other men at all.

I know that he fancies Vicki, and that he's shagged her before we were officially together. I hate to think of him wanting anyone else. I know it's only natural to fancy other people a bit. But we have only beed together a few weeks, he should want only me.

I hope this works, I'm utterly in love with him, and if I carry on being paranoid like this I'm going to totally fuck things up.

Just been thinking about relationships a lot recently. Not just my own either. It seems like everyone I know is having relationship problems at the moment. Sometimes I think we just get find problems because we get bored, we can't actually just accept that things are actually going well.

Is it better to have a firey up and downy kind of relationship, one that's very passionate, but not always good. Or is it better to be content, but risk getting bored?

The latter is kind of how things were with Richard, we got on so well, I loved him to to peices, but by the end we were more like best friends than anything else. The spark had gone, and hence we both fell in love with other people while we were together.

Beck (my crazy housemate) always has really firey relationships - neither her of her boyfriends can ever be trusted, and they argue constantly. But when it's good between them it's really good.

I am starting to doubt that anyone can stay in love forever. Is it really possible to stay with one person for years without just growing apart? Even people that are married for years and years - do they just kind of stay together out of habit?

Hmm, don't really know why I'm thinking about this today. 

I am one of those people that will throw themselves into relationships whole-heartedly very quickly.I fall in love very easily and am a total romantic. I want to believe the fairy tale.

I think this might scare men off a bit. when I love someone I tell them all the time. I want to be with them a lot. I am really quite full on. But I dont see the point in playing games, I'm rubbish at playing hard to get.

But this does mean that I am kind of vulnerable when I fall in love, I get hurt easily, I'm terrified by how totally I have fallen in love this time. I really really dont think I could cope with having my heart broken by him.

On that happy note, I'm getting back to work.

Sorry if this has been really rambly, I am just writing as I think... 

...except for when i wake up with a hot man cuddling me!

I got a very cute (tiny small) tatoo at the weekend. It's a little tiny ladybird and I love it.

I am a happy person today.

Horray x