random ramblings and the voices in my head

The whole time I was with Richard, there was never really an issue with trust. Well, not for me anyway, I'm not entirely sure that he always trusted me, especially at the end. But then I can't really blame him, I was spending every second with Josh rather than him. But trusted him, implicitly. Maybe I shouldn't have.

But with Josh it's different. I really want to trust him, and everytime I see him it is getting easier. The more he tells me that I am the only one, and that he is totally in love with me, the more I believe him. To be honest he has been a pretty much perfect boyfriend since we officially got together. He rings me all the time and constantly tells me that he loves me, I love how open he is about how he's feeling. We've only been together a few weeks and already he uses words like 'forever' when he's talking about me. Richard was never really like that. 7 years and he never even asked me to move in, maybe i didn't want to, I don't know. Anyways that's all water under the bridge now. Everyday my feelings for him fade a bit more, it keeps getting easier, all the little thangs that I missed so much to start with, now seem far less important - I must be over him. All I can think of now is Josh :)

I know that Josh is a real flirt and that he has cheated on girls in the past. I know that he sends flirty texts to all the girls that he works with blah blah blah, and I know that he is really friendly and chatty when he is out and hence meets lots of women! lol. But I really am going to try not to be paranoid about it, he has done nothing but be lovely and perfect for 3 weeks, so I have no reason to doubt him.

And I am a flirt too, I text lots of boys and go out drinking with men all the time, so I can hardly complain that he does it too.

I am happier than i've been in a very long time.

Yey for being in love xxx 

 

 

 

Even when everything else is shit, love makes life fine. Even when everything else is fine, love can make life shit.

Does that make sense!?

My love-life is good, my job is meh.

Wiggy can't get any of her life sorted because ahe can't decide which man she loves the most. I'm really quite worried about her.

she can't even be arsed to sort out anywhere to live because all she can think about is John, Rick and Gordon. I love that girl, I wish I could help.

XXX 

 

 

 

 

I forgot my camera.

Am off to Stonehenge tonight for the Solstice. The sun rises at about 4:45 tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be knackered at work tomorrow, but hey. I'm so excited!

This is something I've always wanted to do, and this year there is nothing to stop me! Hooray.

I must remember my camera.

byeeee xxx 

 

 

 

To be this happy?

Yes, yes it is!

I have never seriously thought that i would find someone that I might want to spend forever with, let alone move in with, even.... shock horror... could I be changing my mind about babies???

Gah! NO! That's going too far???  

I am content. (Ignoring what's going to happen in October)

:) 

 

 

 

 

 

 

... appears to be the passenger seat of a slightly battered Vauxhall Corsa

I had a lovely weekend with Josh. He makes me very happy and smiley.

And I really couldn't give a shit if Beck disapproves. 

 

But apart fom that the world is full of sunshine (even though it's raining), and I am so happy that I can't stop smiling.

 

Mood: Optimistic

Today started off very badly, with lots of tears before work. But it has got progressively better. I have decided enough is enough. I have been wallowing in self pity for long enough.

Yes, Richard dumped me. Yes, he now has a new girlfriend and is very happy. Yes, this does make me a little sad in an entirely irrational way. But the facts are this - Rich and I had been living in denial for a while, not a very long time, but long enough that something had to change. Neither of us was happy, and as much as it may pain me to say, the spark had long since faded. So I will try my best to be happy for him. I hope that he is happy.

Me. I am more important than him now. He is past. A lovely bit of my life, someone that made me very happy most of the time. Some one who got me through the hard bits of uni, the ups and downs of being 16 and blah blah. I will always be grateful for what we had, but now it's over, and that is that.

Time to move on.

i have kind of let myself go recently. I haven't been eating healthily, I've been rubbish with my money, my room is a tip, I cant concerntrate at work, I have joined a gym and not been, and I've been rubbish at keeping in touch with anyone apart from a few very close friends.

So...

> I will get back to writing the book

> I will try harder at work

> I will go to the fucking gym - I'm paying for it ffs

> I will call all my friends at home for a catch up

> I will go shopping and buy proper food and take lunches to work.

> I will stop just buying clothes and shes and vodka in the hope that it will make me feel better. It won't.

Today is a good day. Right, I am ACTUALLY going to do some sodding work.

Download was amazing! Josh was perfect.

I seem to have fallen utterly in love. 

 

Mood: Woop
Listening to: Excited voices in my head!

YEY! Off to Download later today!

I'm happy happy happy!

 

 

 

So everyone says.

Anyway, I have a date with Ross tomorrrow, we're going to the cinema, all a bit sudden , but quite exciting none the less. I really like Ross, I used to kind of fancy him, so who knows where it could go?

Josh has really pissed me off. To quote "I pulled a woman who was married with 2 kids, and played her like a puppet". Yeah well done.

I'm not jealous, I dont give a shit, it's not like it meant anything. I just hate his fucking arrogance about it. He has absolutely no morals, ffs, who fucks their best mates ex and then brags about it? An immature 19 year old apparently.

The worst thing is that he plays the exact games with me that he plays with everyone else, and I fall for it every time. He knows exactly what to say and do, and I keep finding myself apologising for stuff, when i actually think that hes in the wrong. It makes me really angry with myself. I know that I'm doing it, and I know that I shouldn't be, but I still do. I'm so weak sometimes.

He rings me up in the middle of the night crying and telling me how much he loves me, and the next day tells me that he's fucking other girls. That's not love. He's fucking deluded.

I'm still looking forward to Download, it will be interesting to see how we get on spending a whole weekend together, but if he dares even text another girl, I'll drown his bloody phone in a pint of warm beer.

right. work calls.