random ramblings and the voices in my head

Mood: happy and smiley

Hmm, just a quickie really... I have been single for quite a while now, 2 and a half months or something? I don't know exact dates. But anyway, it's taken some getting used to, I've been part of a two for all of my adult life - 7 years is a fucking long time when you're only 23. But basically, I'm happy with the singleness, I've spent a lot of my time organising Richard over the last few years, telling him plans for the weekend, and train times, blah blah, it's really refreshing being able to just think about me for once.

I love not having to answer to anyone, or tell people where I am, or remind him what he needs to take on holiday with him, or tell him how to cook pasta, and on and on and on....

I have been spending time with Josh too, and I got drunk last week and told him that I wanted us to be together, and that I wouldn't sleep with him anymore unless we made it proper.

Anyways, that was just stupid drunken rambling, and I dont actually want to be with him at all. I love him to bits, and really like spending time with him, he makes me very happy, and makes me laugh more than anyone else. But he is totally untrustworthy and I know he would just fuck me over. Plus I really dont want a boyfriend at the moment. I like the freedom of being single.

I'm not going to go off and have one night stands, and sleep around - that just isn't me, but I still dont want to be tied down to anyone. I want to be able to snog randoms in nightclubs, and go and stay at male friends houses without anyone getting jealous, I want to flirt with exes, and boys that I know fancy me. Where is the harm in that!?

I know that if the timing was better, Josh and I could have something (I dont know exactly what, or how well it would work), but with him going to uni, and with me needing time on my own, it just wouldn't work. I'm more than happy to have him as a close friend (with some added extras) for now. I cant wait to spend a weekend with him at Download. It's gonna ROCK! 

I love him, but I love my freedom more. 

 

 

 

 

 

Hullo,

Just a quickie. Things with me have been up and down as always! 

Richard and I talked yesterday and have decided not to see each other for a while. It's just too hard for both of us, neither of us can act normally around each other, and to be frank - he's behaving very strangely at the moment. He has been 'experimenting' with class a's, which is pretty stupid, and I dont want to be be around to pick up the peices when he takes ketamin or something by mistake.

It's going to be really hard, and I'm not sure that it's logistically feasible with our group of friends, we're both too stubborn to not go out, and I dont want to ask my friends to choose.

Anyway, I'm ok with it i think. It was silly to expect that things would be normal between us after 7 years of being together, and we both need time apart to heal properly.

Aside from that, things are good today. It's warm and sunny, and I'm buying a beautiful new car.

Better get back to work. XXX

 

 

 

...for my emotions?

I really dont want to have fallen for him like this. Why do I like such an unsuitable boy!?

 GRRRRR 

 

I am very happy, and I have fluttery butterflies in my stomach - I love this feeling. That's all really.

I had an awesome weekend, but with way too much beer. Today I feel fine about everything, not miserable, not like I'm about to burst into tears, just ok, fine. I don't know how long that will last, but I hope it's a few days at least. I really don't like being miserable. I dont think it suits me. Being happy and smiley is definately preferable. Maybe I'm over him??

I hate how I'm behaving at the moment. I wish I could stop.

I wish there was a switch for my feelings, I could just press it, turn off my emotions.

The film eternal sunshine of the spotless mind... it would be good if that was real.

I know that all I'm doing is driving him further away, but on the other hand I refuse to pretend I'm fine when I'm not. Everything I tell myself not to do, I keep doing. I have no idea why I'm being like this. I just wish this didn't hurt so much.

My world is upside down