random ramblings and the voices in my head

Got home from France yesterday, had a fantastic time. I cannot even put into words how much better I feel now than I did before I went away. My head is clear and I am a happy bunny again!

I talked to my mum about it a lot yesterday too and that really helped, she always knows exactly how to make me feel better.

Still dont really want to see Rich, nor his stuck-up little bimbo, but I cant wait to catch up on all the bournemouth gossip from everyone else though.

Rich and I are still friends, we always will be, I love him to bits, he knows me so well. But I do feel a bit hurt that he never told me face to face that him and cunt face were offical, it would have been courteous of him to actually tell me rather than just let me hear it from someone else, he did, afterall, do the dumping! But anyway that's irrelevant now.

I am very happy that I haven't rushed into another relationship, I am very happy with my single status and I fully intend to have some fucking fun this summer.

I will have oodles more time, I will get to see so much more of my friends from home and work, I will not have to answer to anyone, no one will need to know where I am, no one will ring me to tie me down to unimportant little details, I will not have to organise anything for anyone apart from me! wooop! I can be utterly selfish, and totally free.

Thank you France, I feel refreshed x

 

.... and excited abiout seeing a certain someone tonight!

This doesn't suprise me, although it does seem to suprise everyone else for some reason. I knew that he would have a new girlfriend quickly and I knew it would be her.

I knew that she would end up with him, well good luck to her i spose. It's not like any of this is within my control, so no point in getting upset about it. I have to come to terms with the fact that he is going to be sharing his time, his love, his arms, his fucking bed with someone else.

I kind if wish it wasn't someone so totally different to me, am i really so bad that he has to be with someone the exact opposite, the gayest thing is that he cant even see that we're so different.

At least I can remain safe in the knowledge that very few people really like her, and most of the boys seem to have goe off him too. But I am so happy that I am going away tomoz, get away from the sickly couply shit. All the boys are already uber pissed off with him for talking abouther all the time, and think he's turned into a bit of an up his own arse twat. They have done nothing but bitch about him since we broke up! They've all been emailing me at work telling me how gay he's being. But of course he's gonna talk about her, it's new and exciting and stuff, yeah course he'll talk about it. I just hope he doesn't end up loosing any friends over this.

Anyway the pub crawl will be strange tomoz, but it turns out that I can go to more of it than i thought, think i'm gonna stay quite late into the evenong now, which is cool, as I've never missed a pub crawl before.

Right I'm off, byeeee

I have just booked a trip to the south of France. I am so relieved to be getting out of Bournemouth. It's for too clicky here, fed up with everyone knowing my business, and discussing my love-life. Fed up with hearing about Richard and his new girl friend.

So looking forward to getting away.

I just wish he would stick to his promises and stay away for a bit, he did the dumping, he should give me some space, but he's been out everyday since it happened, I cant avoid seeing him, so I cant stay here.

Let his little romance blossom, I dont care so long as I dont have to hear about it.

She's staying there on Sat after the pub crawl, i can't stand to think of her sleeping in his bed. Cuddling up with him, waking up next to him. It should be me there.

Roll on fucking Sunday, the sooner I'm out of this shit-pit the better. 

 

 

 

every text me writes me is so carefully constructed, so as to give away no clue about his emotions, just a response for the sake of it, with out actually saying anything.

Time, everyone just keeps saying it'll be ok in time. I don't want to wait.

I just want to be happy again, I feel like a part of me, the best, most fun, happiest part, has just died.

I would usually be so happy today, it's sunny, summer is just round the corner, I have loads of excting things planned, yet nothing can lighten my mood.

I miss everything...

i miss waking up with him, his arms, his hands, kissing him, meeting him for lunch, holding hands, eating cheese and crackers in bed, him looking after me when I'm ill, silly nicknames, random text messages, sendind kisses zooming to where ever he is, sleeping in his bed, snuggling up together watching films - always his choice of film! him telling me off for buying shoes, leaving my stuff at his flat, ringing him to tell him everything, saying good night and I love you every night, him playing me music that he's written down the phone, him correcting my grammar, ringing me up to tell me about the latest over priced electrical item he's going to buy, debating politics and never agreeing, being pinned down and tickled, cooking dinner with him, eating breakfast together, arranging weekends together, his parents, him only being in love with me.

Things have never been awkward between us before, I've always felt so totally comfortable in his company. I miss him more than I can even put into words.

 

Is that normal when you break up with someone?

My emotions are all over the place recently, it's been just over a week since we broke up.

Today my head is fucked. I want to do anything just to avoid thinking about it, sleep, drink, class A's. anything to numb the pain really.

But I'll probably be happy again tomorrow?

I just wish i knew what I was doing. I wish someone would just tell me if this is the right thing to be doing or not. I wish I knew what he was thinking. I keep pouring my heart out to him, and he just doesn't give me any clue about what he's feeling in response. Maybe he doesn't know?  Maybe he's just holding back, just trying to battle though with the least amount of emotions possible. sometimes blockng out the feelings is the only way to cope isn't it?

I have no idea. Totally fucking clueless.

GAH!

 

 

 that's all

Strange, this whole break-up thing. Never really had to go through this before, and i'm coping a lot better than i thought I would.

It helps that Rich and I have stayed friends, i know it will be hard at first, but i really think we can do it. He's been too big a part of my life to just say goodbye to.

Also all the lads, that are really his friends rather than mine have been really supportive, and in the most part seem to think he's been a bit of a twat. I dont think so, i really do think he's done the right thing, and I admire his courage for actually ending it when he did rather than letting it drag on and on because he was too scared to admit things weren't right, which is perhaps what I have been doing. He is a bigger man than me. But it does make me feel a shit load better (in a very selfish and evil way!) that his friends seem to suport me.

I will miss him, and still feels weird to talk about him being mine in the past tense, but that's just something I'll have to get used to.

Over and Out.