Mood: Elated and free
We are over, and it is a good thing. I feel like I'm me again. Free and single and young and living by the seaside and it's nearly summer. And it's Friday.
I really didn't think i would feel like this. I thought I'd be teary and depressed for months. I thought the thought of him with someone else would crumble my world. it doesn't. I am ok. Really ok.
i will miss him, but plenty more fish in the sea...
Mood: Devastated
Well, the talk last night wasn't good. We broke up, after 7 years.
I'm too drained to explain things properly. It was his decision not mine, I'll admit that things have not been great for a while. But I am still utterly in love with him, and I can't see that changing any time soon. I think that any problems that we have had can be ironed out. Everything else pails into insignificance when I think about loosing him. I really think we have just been neglecting each other a bit recently, i really do think that what we have is too good to just throw away and that our problems are fixable.
Anyway, we ended our numerous teary conversations last night by deciding that we'd give it two weeks and see how we feel. No contact for 2 weeks. I don't know if I can do it, but I'll try.
Richard Text me earlier saying that we needed to talk - that is never a good thing. He wouldn't tell me what about. We're meeting at 6. I'm terrified. I've been with him 7 years. I can't imagine not being with him.
Will update tomorrow.
Work is uber shite today, and has been all week. I normally like my job, but this week it feels like such an effort for so little reward, it's uninspiring and I'm craving to do something a little bit creative.
I feel like this job is numbing my brain, like i'm loosing myself in office politics and too much coffee. I wish i had a job that i could get excited about.
I'm feeling very creative today, like all I want to do is write and draw and take pictures. By the time i'm out of this fucking spinny office chair the light will be gone and the pub will be calling, my inspiration will have gone...
Oh well, at least it's friday. 2 whole days of freedom, with no calls from angry hotel GM's and temps that are ringing to let me down at the last minute.
I soooo need a holiday, and a cold beer.
Just wondered if anyone else does this? I write lists about everything. Not just shopping lists and to do lists, but lists of my feelings and plans and lists of pros and cons, and should I/shouldn't I lists! lists about fucking everything. It just seems to make things make sense in my head more.
I have just had the constant urge to write things down recently. it's really very strange. OCD here I come! lol
Just thought I'd share!
Byeee
Mood: knackered and headachey
i haven't written a blog for ages, I've been too drained to even put all my feelings into words. Beck (mad house mate) has been particularly mad recently, and it's really been getting me down. She does drive me fucking crazy, but i love her to bits, and I've been really worried about her recently. She keeps crying, and I'm really worried that she's going to stop eating again. She had a panic attack on Saturday night. I told her today that she really needed to go to the doctors this week, so I think she's going to make an appointment tomorrow. I hope so, I think she really needs some councelling, but she won't d it. She says she has a psychology degree so she knows it all, she doesn't need anyone else to tell her what she's feeling.
Anyway, all this has been playing on my mind for weeks now, Richard has been stressing about his dissertation, so i have bearly seen him either. I've just been out every night seeing friends and drinking too much, and not sleeping enough - i 'spose that's why I feel so wrecked this week. Fucking Mondays!
Last Saturday Ricky D (one of my best friends, Richards best friend and my best friends Ex - confusing much?) told me he loved me and had done for 2 years! how the fuck am i meant to deal with that? What does he want me to do, I'm heardly going to leave Richard and go out with him??? WTF? I thought we were just friends. Why can't you just be close to people of the opposite sex without one of you getting too attached? I wonder if girls and guys can really be just friends without either one falling in love, or just consant sexual tension? I'd like to think that they could, but everytime I get close to someone this seems to happen.
I have been spending lots of time with Josh recently too - partially just because I haven't had the energy to deal with Becks shit, but also just because he's lovely and spending time with him makes me happy. Strange how I've got so close to him in such a short amount of time. I feel totally comfortable in his campany, it's like i've known him for years. He's a legend, I'm going to miss him loads when he goes to Uni.
Better do some work,
XX
The Weather is stunning this afternoon. Makes me want to play outside, climb trees and walk along the beach. I love the spring!!!
