random ramblings and the voices in my head

Mood: uncomfortably numb

Apparently (so the BBC website just informed me) Jade Goody died yesterday. That is a sad thing. Anyone young dying is sad, she had kids and a husband. But I didn't know her, I'm not sad. I hope that doesn't make me too much of a bad person.

Anyway in my trawling through BBC news articles I found an interesting concept. Jade Goody's life summed up in 10 headlines. It made me wonder if I could do that for myself. My not especially exciting or note worthy 25 years of life summed up in 10 headlines?

1. We ran from Winchester to Crewkerne to escape a poor excuse for a father (age 4).

DARING DUO DASH DOWN SOUTH.

2. I met Jenny, the best friend an unpopular and strange child could ever wish for. We shared dog biscuits in the playground (age 4).

FRIENDS FOREVER

3. I moved schools, from countryside state school, to rather posh Private school (age 11).

A BRIGHTER FUTURE?

ok, this is draining my poor tired brain too much today. I might write more later!

 

"Lotty, I don't mean to be rude; but do you have any ambitions?" I was asked by a stupidly intelligent drifter two days ago.

"No", I replied. That was a lie (an accidental one, but a lie none the less).

She was concerned, because she herself was questioning where she was going. She is the sort of person that really probably could do ANYTHING. That must be pretty daunting, and has left her, well, doing nothing.

"It's better to aim at something and miss, than to aim at nothing and hit it", said to me by a significantly less intelligent and inspiring sales rep a week earlier. Both these comments are completely unrelated, and yet have touched me in a similar way.

Thankfully, I haven't been driven to the pits of depression, and left questioning (unhelpfully) "where am I going? I am 25 and done nothing of significance with my life". I think right now, I am in a positive place. Confidence has been restored over recent months and my creative juices are flowing heavier than ever. I do feel as though anything is possible. 

With this in mind I might set here (in a secret place where no one knows I store my fears and dreams) a few ambitions, aspirations, thoughts even.

I love Hunts, but working here for the rest of my days is not an option. I need to quit work, well of the 9 - 5 variety anyway. 

The only way I can do that is by working from home. So I either need to set up a business of my own (truthfully the responsibility of that scares me shitless), or write.

Writing is the plan. If I can write a book a year that sells well. I wont have to work. That would rock.

In the meantime I need more money. Either I get a second job (work all the hours ever, and die young with bags under my eyes the size of Jupiter's rings) or find something I can sell on ebay (virtually no overheads, and very little effort). Yeah, the latter sounds better. 

Stock can come from a variety of cheap/free places (don't worry I'm not a thief). It just takes time and an open mind. Plus maybe a sewing machine.

Travel. (that's a big one, and will have to be put on the back burner until my debt is paid.) But as long as I know I'm aiming at that, I'll get there eventually. Especially if the ewriting comes together. 

READ: RESEARCH: GO TO THE LIBRARY  - books are free there!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The inevitable has happened.

Josh is leaving uni in two weeks. It's official. He has told his parents, and they seem to be coping better than I thought they would. In actual fact it's me that's not coping.

I thought I'd be over joyed. This is all I've wanted for a year and a half, now that it's happened I'm terrified, and guilt ridden.

If it wasn't for me he would have loved uni more. I mean he still wouldn't have done his work, he's just not disciplined enough - he's just too young. Some people are grown up twenty year olds, some people aren't. 

I am of course excited about seeing him more, and about not having to go up to Bristol all the time. All I really want is for him to be happy. But I also know that I am not ready to live with him. I am scared that I'll get pressured into something I'm not ready for. 

Essentially it boils down to the fact that I really don't like change. This change is big and it scares me a lot.

In true Janauary tradition, I have plans for books and pictures filling my head, to the extent that there is nothing else in it. I keep forgetting about normal things like living and working and eating at the right times.

I haven't stopped since before xmas, don't get me wrong it's mostly been fun stuff, but I am totally craving some time to myself. Josh has been here for over a week now as his car is broken, as much as I like spending all my time with him, I am looking forward to him going home Sunday and leaving me with some space in my head (not to mention in my house). I am starting to feel like I'm drowning.

 I have three books leaping about in my brain right now. All totally different. 1. self help book. 2. Chick lit (that's been there for as long as I can remember) and 3. A teen fictiony novel that I know is just luking beneth the surface of my concious mind. At the moment all I want to do is read, research and write constantly. It's making me so tired that I can't get up in the mornings. My brain is too busy all the time. But writing this is kind of a big relief.

I have bits of scribble written in various notebooks and bits of paper all around the house. But finally I have a laptop I can work on. That means hopefully an end to loosing bits of paper in the vast array of mess that is my bedroom, and indeed my shared lounge. 

Sharing a house with a boy is a little draining, I know that i need really to live on my own. I feel like a mother, to both Paddy and to Josh. This is annoying, especially as I am in fact the least maternal woman in the world. I am looking forward with glee to a quiet week next week. I might do nothing. Actually nothing.

 

 

 

 

 

If such a place exists.

God I can't believe it's the ninth of January already. Where does the time go? (ha, how old do I sound?)

I thought it might a nice thing to write down something in note of the new year, and in memory of the one just gone.

Funny how we break time up into little segments (ok, maybe a year is quite a big segment?) when really it's just one long continuous flow, it's not like it stops between days, weeks, years... I should probably write down somethings about the las big segment to draw to close. OK, so 2008...

2 Jobs - started the year at Fire radio, ended the year at Hunts menswear.  The latter definately being the better of the two by about a million miles. Job wise I am happy. I want more mone, everyone does, but happiness is (at the moment at least) the most importnat thing. I'm sorry but money just doesn't excite me (athough paying my council tax without panicking does) An extra £50 a week and I'd be happy i think. So maybe for 2009 I need to find a part time job to bring in some spending money.

 

Josh - He's still the one. It's hard though, it has been for the whole of the last year and I'm pretty sure it will be for the rest of this year. I miss him when he's in Bristol (which he keeps getting my hopes up by threatening to leave) and I think trust will always be an issue. I don't think he brings out the best in me, and he can be lazy in the extreme, which does put a lot of pressure on me, and therefore us. Sometimes I just think that it's the little things that make all the difference. Big things are easily solved, little things can slowly eat away at a relationship without you even realising. Anyway, this is making it sound like things with us aren't good. That's just not true. He still continues to be the love of my life, and the main problem we have is that he lives so far away during term time - that's not forever though. He is romantic in the extreme, and thoughtful when I least expect it. He is tender and caring and silly and fun, he knows me better than anyone else in the whole world, and seems to understand me despite me being a total loonatic most of the time. I cannot be happier than when I am alone with him, spending a night in watching films and cuddling. I started the new year in his arms, and that is indeed where I intend to end it too. I think as time goes on , we are only getting stronger and ironing out all the niggles that we have. We just need to be careful to keep it wonderful  - when we stop making an effort and start taking each other fro ganted, things will go wrong. 

He still gives me butterflies in my stomach, he still makes the sunshine in the rain even after nearly 2 years. That has to be a good sign.

 

So, 2008 can be summed up like this: Not easy, but rewarding. Kind of happy to see it go though. It's been a year of financial crisis (which I'm ashamed to say hasn't really caused me any sleepless nights), pretty crappy weather (pleeeese God of weather, can we have a summer in 2009 - I will never sin again if we do), a complicated realtionship (a lot of time spent pining at home over Josh not phoning me, and him kissing Nicky Fisher and breaking my heart for the second time), Job changes (that have been hard work, but wonderful in the long run), skintness - seriously, I have watched every penny, I have never been so frugal (I could probably count the shoes I've bought this year on my hands!!!), but aside from that (here are the good things):

 Friends - they have continues to light up my world (even the very darkest corners), Some people have faded into the background a bit too, I have made new ones, and got closer to some aquaintances. Josh's friends too have become a bigger part of my life and I tuly love some of them now  - big hugs to Lucy, Kiloran, Lay, Sophie and probably lots of other poeple I have forgotten.

Love still keeps me alive and Josh keeps  me happy more than anything else.

 My mum has finished with paul - all was amicalble and good, and she seems much happier in her skin than I've seen in a long time.

I have pet rats. They are cute and seem to like me too  now!

 

My job is cold, but the most  fun I've ever had at work.

Paddy has moved in, Beck and I get on brilliantly now, and I can watch gorey films at home! Wooop for living with a boy.

Wiggy is well. That is good.

Now....

 

2009 will be good. I dont have a resolution as such, but I do have a promise with myself that I will keep my brain alive and do as much creative arty stuff as possible. I also need a money making scheme. I will find something. You always do when you actually look.

 

I will conintue to care for my friends, spend time with Josh, not do the washing up and spend too much time on the internet. See... Time is one long contiuum, breaking it into 365 day segments is a silly waste of time really, but good for nostalgias sake.