random ramblings and the voices in my head

It seems like 6 months has passed since I last wrote in here withou me even noticing. God time flies when you're having fun. And, yeah I guess I have been having fun. I hoped 2009 would be a good year and so far *touches wood* it has been. I guess I'll try and leave you where I left off.

 Josh left uni. Yes it was a bit funny for a while; it took him a good few weeks to find a job, I guess the beginning of a recession isn't the best time to go changing your career path totally, but when he did find one and get used to the early mornings it was all good. He is a gardener on a private estate near Dorchester. He seems to love it, despite being constantly tired and suffering with sun stroke. He ahs bought a new car that he totally loves, and is now skint. But boys will be boys (replace boys with foolish), and it's something he felt like he needed to do. Who am I to judge anyway? Our relationship seems to have fallen into a wonderfully comfortable routine, we see each other most days, which is great by me, I still miss him on nights when I'm alone, but also relish having my own space to lounge in the bath and read chick-lit. I am utterly in love. the trust issue will never disappear, but I am significantly more relaxed about him everyday. We might just be perfect at the moment. There are always niggly doubts about some things, but I guess that's the same in every relationship; especially when it starts to get serious. 

Enough about him; a lot has happened in the last few months.

I am starting my own business - an online vintage boutique called chi-chi-chic. So every weekend is spent trawling charity shops and car boot sales for stock. It's still early days - the website still isn't finished, but it's very exciting and is really giving me something to get my teeth into. I'll keep you updated about all that.

Cherry died. She is still sitting in my drive way while I ponder what to do about it. Still, that's not worth pondering too much. It is, after all, only a car. I have a new one, so I can't complain.

I am MOVING house! After 3 years, and a fuck load wonderful memories I'm leaving 10A Melville road. Not through choice, admittedly, but I am, now rather excited about the prospect. I'm moving in with Wiggy to a ground floor flat, on the West cliff - right by the sea. I move in less than 3 weeks! eeek. I guess that before I move I'll write a little bit about the last three years. I really have felt at home in the house, but perhaps it really is time for a change.

 

 

 

Mood: uncomfortably numb

Apparently (so the BBC website just informed me) Jade Goody died yesterday. That is a sad thing. Anyone young dying is sad, she had kids and a husband. But I didn't know her, I'm not sad. I hope that doesn't make me too much of a bad person.

Anyway in my trawling through BBC news articles I found an interesting concept. Jade Goody's life summed up in 10 headlines. It made me wonder if I could do that for myself. My not especially exciting or note worthy 25 years of life summed up in 10 headlines?

1. We ran from Winchester to Crewkerne to escape a poor excuse for a father (age 4).

DARING DUO DASH DOWN SOUTH.

2. I met Jenny, the best friend an unpopular and strange child could ever wish for. We shared dog biscuits in the playground (age 4).

FRIENDS FOREVER

3. I moved schools, from countryside state school, to rather posh Private school (age 11).

A BRIGHTER FUTURE?

ok, this is draining my poor tired brain too much today. I might write more later!

 

"Lotty, I don't mean to be rude; but do you have any ambitions?" I was asked by a stupidly intelligent drifter two days ago.

"No", I replied. That was a lie (an accidental one, but a lie none the less).

She was concerned, because she herself was questioning where she was going. She is the sort of person that really probably could do ANYTHING. That must be pretty daunting, and has left her, well, doing nothing.

"It's better to aim at something and miss, than to aim at nothing and hit it", said to me by a significantly less intelligent and inspiring sales rep a week earlier. Both these comments are completely unrelated, and yet have touched me in a similar way.

Thankfully, I haven't been driven to the pits of depression, and left questioning (unhelpfully) "where am I going? I am 25 and done nothing of significance with my life". I think right now, I am in a positive place. Confidence has been restored over recent months and my creative juices are flowing heavier than ever. I do feel as though anything is possible. 

With this in mind I might set here (in a secret place where no one knows I store my fears and dreams) a few ambitions, aspirations, thoughts even.

I love Hunts, but working here for the rest of my days is not an option. I need to quit work, well of the 9 - 5 variety anyway. 

The only way I can do that is by working from home. So I either need to set up a business of my own (truthfully the responsibility of that scares me shitless), or write.

Writing is the plan. If I can write a book a year that sells well. I wont have to work. That would rock.

In the meantime I need more money. Either I get a second job (work all the hours ever, and die young with bags under my eyes the size of Jupiter's rings) or find something I can sell on ebay (virtually no overheads, and very little effort). Yeah, the latter sounds better. 

Stock can come from a variety of cheap/free places (don't worry I'm not a thief). It just takes time and an open mind. Plus maybe a sewing machine.

Travel. (that's a big one, and will have to be put on the back burner until my debt is paid.) But as long as I know I'm aiming at that, I'll get there eventually. Especially if the ewriting comes together. 

READ: RESEARCH: GO TO THE LIBRARY  - books are free there!!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

The inevitable has happened.

Josh is leaving uni in two weeks. It's official. He has told his parents, and they seem to be coping better than I thought they would. In actual fact it's me that's not coping.

I thought I'd be over joyed. This is all I've wanted for a year and a half, now that it's happened I'm terrified, and guilt ridden.

If it wasn't for me he would have loved uni more. I mean he still wouldn't have done his work, he's just not disciplined enough - he's just too young. Some people are grown up twenty year olds, some people aren't. 

I am of course excited about seeing him more, and about not having to go up to Bristol all the time. All I really want is for him to be happy. But I also know that I am not ready to live with him. I am scared that I'll get pressured into something I'm not ready for. 

Essentially it boils down to the fact that I really don't like change. This change is big and it scares me a lot.

In true Janauary tradition, I have plans for books and pictures filling my head, to the extent that there is nothing else in it. I keep forgetting about normal things like living and working and eating at the right times.

I haven't stopped since before xmas, don't get me wrong it's mostly been fun stuff, but I am totally craving some time to myself. Josh has been here for over a week now as his car is broken, as much as I like spending all my time with him, I am looking forward to him going home Sunday and leaving me with some space in my head (not to mention in my house). I am starting to feel like I'm drowning.

 I have three books leaping about in my brain right now. All totally different. 1. self help book. 2. Chick lit (that's been there for as long as I can remember) and 3. A teen fictiony novel that I know is just luking beneth the surface of my concious mind. At the moment all I want to do is read, research and write constantly. It's making me so tired that I can't get up in the mornings. My brain is too busy all the time. But writing this is kind of a big relief.

I have bits of scribble written in various notebooks and bits of paper all around the house. But finally I have a laptop I can work on. That means hopefully an end to loosing bits of paper in the vast array of mess that is my bedroom, and indeed my shared lounge. 

Sharing a house with a boy is a little draining, I know that i need really to live on my own. I feel like a mother, to both Paddy and to Josh. This is annoying, especially as I am in fact the least maternal woman in the world. I am looking forward with glee to a quiet week next week. I might do nothing. Actually nothing.