diary of a lost soul

Mar 3, 2007 at 11:38 o\clock

journeys

by: stebbo

Mood: penseive

well all have journeys in life, some are long travels to find ourselves, but i thihnk, truly, the greatest journey in our lives is the one to fight our inner demons, maybe what ive been searching for in my life has just been hiding behind an age old wall or hate, anger and depression, if you know you have the protection of true friends and love all around you then you really have nothing to fear, i dont care what people say, love isnt a myth and it does exist, even in a society full of hatred and racism, there is love for each other which will slowly dissolve and cure the hatred in the world. my journey has been one of struggling to keep my identity unique and to not taint it with whatever people around me want, particularly when i was at bryanston because i never felt at home there, but i know if i had been more open to change and less of an annoyance i would have fitted in perfectly, does it bother me? well no because would i be who i am today if i hadnt had the experience of being the social pariah (sp) i guess it just takes losing an opportunity to make many friends like that to appreciate the ones you do have, people did try to make me feel welcome but i just couldnt get past the fact that i didnt feel at home there. I dunno maybe i just couldnt understand the way they worked, but i doubt it, i think i was stubborn and refused to change, even when change was heavily on the agenda, true i learned a lot in an academic sense, but i never stopped and reflected on how much i learned spiritualy, you dont need an organised religion to gain spirituality or a sense of inner peace. i feel that whatever the world throws at me i can take it, i feel strong and i am no longer going to doubt then when i start my new life in bristol, my friends will miss me, so what if they dont text me asking how i am when they havnt seen me for two weeks, i know they think about me. as for the enemies i have made? not many do i know how to apologise for, but i dreamt last night that nett came home from abadeen and we met in a pub, everyone else seemed to vanish but she was there laughing and joking with her invisible friends, im sure ive done the same thing she has to many people in my life without knowing the hurt i have caused, so why should i continue to hold this grudge against her because, she was a rebound, yes i did feel strongly for her, and yes i got angry and had a go at her, it must have been a sensitive time for her, she neverĀ  really opened upot o me, how was i supposed to know what was wrong? i was too wrapped up in the usual teeny angst of being dumped to ever really think, but something she said "oh why cant you just get up off your high horse for once?" i suddenly realised she had a deeper worry than what was playing on my mind at the time. i should have been a supportive friend, but instead i let a shallow angst get the better of me, we only had a maximum of half a year before she went to uni and i stayed on my gap year anyway, so why was i so worried abotu our relationship...dorset and abadeen are too far apart even for me. its far too late to apologise because i am perceived as a childish moron, or something along those lines. i dont even know why i harbour a grudge for her but as of this day i am going to try my hardest to forgive and forget, i thought i had left tat darkperiod of my life when i started hanging out down bournemouth determined to rebel and enjoy life away from the constraints of bryanston, trouble with police and such was fun and i dont regret what i did all the time one bit but, something inside me says when i considered nett and her way of life to be the future i should have dropped bournemouth there and then, since i have been dropped, like most of my friends bar a few anyway from that life. its all a new generation of 14 year olds. these days the only purpose i would serve would be to buy greebs alcohol and fags, thats not friendship no matter what theyw ould say. i'm happy in my life and i have some of the most loyal friends ever, i dont have a longstanding friendship that has been going on for life except emily and were not that close although we are in a distant sort of way. got a girlfriend who loves me with all her heart, isnt that what i always wanted? well yes i did, but me being me once again when i get what i want all i do is accept that as the norm, thats my problem it hink, i never realise that the gifts life have given me arent the norm, people can spend a lfietime looking for love, i have found it so early on, noone else was love, with all my other gf's i always put myself before them, ok i have done that many times with ali but so many times i have dropped whatever i want or need to do to see her, not all the time granted, i dont quite live for ali just yet but its turning more and more that way. yes ive made some mistakes along the way and i dont regret any of them because its made us a stronger couple. one of the best feelings in the world is when i can stop ali crying from whatever is bothering her and see her smile after she has grumped for a good few hours. makes me feel like the best person in the world at that very moment. like the world is just us two and i feel a connection so strong that all other parts of my lfie dissapear. i am not however, under any illousion that i am the best f ever, im not, in fact i know i am a very shit bf. ali would never admitt this, but deep down she knows it and it hink thats what upsets her. but... lifes flaws and mistakes are what make it so beautiful, this was known in greek times as the reasons the immortal gods found so much more beauty in mortals than their immortal counterparts, is the frailty of mortality makes beauty so much more p[rofound with the knowledge that it wont last forever. in the real world nothing lasts forever and in the fantasy world as soon as something beautiful lasts forever it seems less beautiful, classic example is odysseus, he gave up every form of immortality, including a sex goddess giving him immortal life so they have sex forever, fame and fortune, so many more as well and he gave it all up to be at home, on ithaca with the woman he loves. life has been hard for me, noone can deny that, but has all this hardship been from within? have i not allowed myself to have an easy life? i've got to stop blaming others and just see where life takes me. my journey is not a long and hard one, the only challenge is within me, and thats something that will take time, not distance, or experience, good old time.

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