Mood: insult me and i will really break down and cry....i'm that low
Listening to: evil woman-black sabbath
well life seems to hate me right now! i almost lost my phsycis corusework which so far has been 4 weeks non stop work! apart from that i think everything is mildly rubbish. alyse is revising all the time for GCSEs so she cant meet up and were still on a break coz she's stressed which in turn gets me stressed even more and so i lashed out at my parents this weekend and now mum and dad have been set off....once again every morning its a case of waking up to the pleasant shouts of mum and dad blaming each other for the most petty things like why the goats werent fed etc. well over time there is somthing i have realised. everythign that is good, not only does it not last but it turns everything sour when it fails, i just feel abandoned by everyone and everything. now all i have to look forward to is the summer holiday when only me and my sister are going on a holiday together to snowdonia for a big biking frenzy. were gonna bike the whole of snowdonia. plan is to break a leg or somthing equallt dangerous so i can die wherre noone will ever find me! germany has been pushed out the window, i cant chase the past, chasing the past has killed my soul. which kinda makes this blog worthless since its about a lsot soul, not a dead soul but oh well! sophie was being really helpful, till she left school early and now i am just stuck here suspended like a marshmallow in hot chocolate...dunno where that analogy came from but its a pretty cool one! still at school but dunno for how much longer, if i dont get my a-levels my life is ruined, i wont be able to join the airforce, i wont be able to get sponsored through uni and i'll be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life. dad is massivly depressed as well about my school work because ever since i came to him, dads life has been staying at bryanston to give me a good education and now i have failed him massivly. well as always hannah is the successful one and i am the failure! well i hope i can find happyness in failure coz otherwise im screwed. the plan is now to just try to pick myself up, unfortunatley im temporarily paralised emottionally. everything has crumbled away or been smashed away and im left with a massive pile of rubble im gonna have to rebuild. ive got lauren breathing down my neck, i keep turning her down every time she even asks to meet up now coz i know she's just gonna jump down my throat. also even though i leave school tomorow for 4 weeks its gonna be a rubbish holiday coz all of my mates will spend all their tijme revising for GCSEs or A-levels leaving me with nothing to do but spend my entire time revising. guess its the future way of life for me, ill turn into a workaholic and will die an unhappy old man with loads of money and noone to hand it down to. i guess its fair to say ive given up on everything, theres still strong ties ehre and there but what are strong ties if their not holding anything together? their a waste of strong ties thats what they are! the good old fashioned school of lover boys is now not dying due to people thinking its better to be players, its crahsing because the people who stuck to the good old ways and the laws are slowly, either turning their back on the school and the laws or are jsut losing interest in everything as the world changes, if only i was born a century ago my life would be perfect and i would be an upstanding memebr of society, in this world im nothing. nothing at all. i guess its time for me to go flush my head down a toilet or somthing equally interesting but all i have in this world is a few very close mates and the prospect of getting back together with alyse which seems to be getting smaller by the day im afraid. i cant help but feel she's trying to distance herself from me but its probably not true which annoys me, im so depressed i am paranoid about everything. even the petty things like are those people on the other side of the room talking about me. i guess my life is slowly turning to insanity, in 5 years ill be one of those people on the streets of bournemouth selling the big issue and whenever a copy is sold, they give you advice on random things like what to do when yours toned, thing is the money from the big issues i buy from them probably goes to heroin anyway. well if its a heroin addicted life i am destined to lead then let it be so, ive lost controll and for the moment its up to destiny and the wheel of fate to get be back on track or ruin me, ive always believed in destiny andd i always thought that no matter how bad it gets its for a reason, i just dont know why it has been written that i would have os much misery in life. we'll just have to see what life has in store for me. after my second suicide attempt i just believed in fate and the fact that all the times i had survived by someone finding me or i hadnt taken enough or whatever the reason was maybe fate has decided i am going to die an old miserable man no matter what i try.
