Mood: in deep though
Listening to: dad coughing his ass off every now and then
well ive recovered from that illness now to just a blocked up as hell nose and a sore throat while dad has got it off me and because he has no spleen, he doesnt have many antibody creating abilities,like they said when they did the splenectomy, when you get virus' or other infections it will be worse than a person with their spleen, what they meant my that is the effects will be the same but it will take you longer to fight them and so you will feel them for longer, right now he is lying in bed feeling like he has been hit by a bus, well in his words its a "fucking big bus" anyway when i was ill and i had some time to think, is it so bad that me and vikki arent friends anymore? i mean even if we become friends again we wont ever really be close anyway so now as tempers fade away we will just be aquiatances, which is what i had hoped for, i mean i still love her to bits but yeah i would love to be able to be close to her but through both of our stubborn pig headedness can we be friends again? my answer is no, i think its something like me and my mum, althoughnot as extreme, were both so determined to be right 100% of the time that we dont know when it is appropriate to back down, and yeah as soon as we have an arguament its through a massive downhill spiral, the only difference in me and vikki compared to me and mum is that it was such a shock to see an almost exact repetition of me and my mum that it shocked me, really badly, how can someone i love so much be so close in personality to my mum that we havnt clashed in almos, ow long have we known each other? well 3 or 4 months is it? or less i dunno but anyway i think their was an instant spark of friendship their, possibly more at times but nothing ever became of it luckily because ali is so good to me couldnt lose her ever, well yeah anyway thats not the point, thepoint is that me and vikki took so long to clash! which does make me care more for my mum and now when i come home we have a little chat, little being the word but its nice, i think its a side effecct of this epiphany i have had which really puts a little smile on my face, so i guess you could say this is more of an arguament towards fate and everything happens for a reason, but saying that, it would mean that every bad thing i have done in my life has happened for a reason, some of these make sense like all the cheating i used to do in 2003 to the end of 2006 which gave me my reputation but things like getting in trouble for threatening to kill claudia? what does that achieve? i have learnt nothing from it, unless its one of those destiny led me though my path because of claudia? or maybe she is an icon in life saying look so many doors have opened for you since meeting francesca but with making so many friends your gonna make so many enemies too? ok so maybe their is an arguament for that but although romanticised fate is appealing to everyone, including me and everyone at some point will beleive something happened for a reason, im am torn, like a skitzophrenic because i also believe in fact and logic like any old scientist! which makes me think, well fates nice and all but really its just the brain making sense of the path of your life and giving random events a name! getting rather tecnical there but that sort of ideaL! but then, is all this just the workings of my atheist mind in a religious world, which, lets face it, is ever more religious and extreme, to make sense of the world using a sort of religion without any figurehead and rules, because surely fate is greek, from the fates creating fate, but then destiny is from japan, fate and destiny, are they the same? or are they opposite, sure their are basic cores the same, i mean fate is from birth your fated to do this, but i like the idea of destiny more, you cant achieve your destiny, or fate, till you have faced both your fears and the challenges around you and become your true person, then you go on to beccome the master of your own destiny and fulfill it? well its really good for films isnt it? but even though it is very romanticised the ideals, as always, are ones which, in real life, make sense! i mean taking controll of your life and then once you can controll your fears and your abilities then surely you can shape your world the way you want it? a nice deep thought to end it on there i guess!
