diary of a lost soul

Oct 20, 2006 at 10:56 o\clock

ouch

by: stebbo

so josh is now officially the stupidest person alive, last night after i got home from college i had a whole bottle of scotch and some jack daniels and fucked my head over sideways all because i annoyed ali by saying i cant be fucked to text her...which is true i cant be fucked to text anyone i hate texting its so impersnal, but yeh i could have said it nicer! anyway just a quick blog before i go to work with the thought that maybe i should start being bothered to text people.....or get rid of m my phone dunno which one i should do yet but grrr anyway time to be bored by a 9 hour shift at stressco (see what i did there!!??

Oct 17, 2006 at 15:32 o\clock

ARRRRRRRRGH!!

by: stebbo

arrrrrgh!!!! ok so im writing my perosnal statement for uni and i have nothign good to say abotu msyelf, ive said how ooh ive liked computers from an early age and ow d of e biuilt up my teamwork skills and make me be willing to work with asshole cunts i hate to get the job done etc etc 2 very textbook paragraphs and the third is coming on slowly and grrrr! well thanks to anna and lottie, who are helping me out beyond belief i reckon i could have this sorted, anna is just puting really good ideas in my head and then tomorow night im heading over to lotties and will make the final copy, with any luck! well its slowly but not so surely forward as like 6 million paragraphsa re deleted ebfore i come up with one worth keeping! plus my car s a huuuuge dent in the side where some cunt,probably a 4x4 reversed into my side passanger door area and arrrgh not gonna fix it properly till the car passes its mot..if it passes its mot! been considering texting vikki asking if were talking again or whatever yet because i miss her nomatter how much she drove me up the wall these past few weeks and being despised by someone to the point of just being scowled at is never nice! so yeha ngry about my car, angry abotu personal statement and a little bemused by vikki i guess. on top of that i love ali loads and cant wait to see her again tonight meeting her at work from 6 i do believe! now the drama of martin being fired hopefully has been cooled down after he smashed up a regular customers car! going out to sarahs birthday with ali was weird, i was once again surrounded by trendies that were willing to put up with me, sure was weird! well all i could think about is how so many trendies hate me most of the night, lol francescas face when i bumped into her in hnm after just having got my crotch tatooed the look of pure disgust was a classic i must admitt! well anyway i have a lot of emotions ppouring onto the page, which is good!..... but i have a personal statement to write...after i have made a pot noodle or somethign equally disgusting!

Oct 13, 2006 at 11:04 o\clock

lifes a bitch isnt it?

by: stebbo

Mood: in deep though
Listening to: dad coughing his ass off every now and then

well ive recovered from that illness now to just a blocked up as hell nose and a sore throat while dad has got it off me and because he has no spleen, he doesnt have many antibody creating abilities,like they said when they did the splenectomy, when you get virus' or other infections it will be worse than a person with their spleen, what they meant my that is the effects will be the same but it will take you longer to fight them and so you will feel them for longer, right now he is lying in bed feeling like he has been hit by a bus, well in his words its a "fucking big bus" anyway when i was ill and i had some time to think, is it so bad that me and vikki arent friends anymore? i mean even if we become friends again we wont ever really be close anyway so now as tempers fade away we will just be aquiatances, which is what i had hoped for, i mean i still love her to bits but yeah i would love to be able to be close to her but through both of our stubborn pig headedness can we be friends again? my answer is no, i think its something like me and my mum, althoughnot as extreme, were both so determined to be right 100% of the time that we dont know when it is appropriate to back down, and yeah as soon as we have an arguament its through a massive downhill spiral, the only difference in me and vikki compared to me and mum is that it was such a shock to see an almost exact repetition of me and my mum that it shocked me, really badly, how can someone i love so much be so close in personality to my mum that we havnt clashed in almos, ow long have we known each other? well 3 or 4 months is it? or less i dunno but anyway i think their was an instant spark of friendship their, possibly more at times but nothing ever became of it luckily because ali is so good to me  couldnt lose her ever, well yeah anyway thats not the point, thepoint is that me and vikki took so long to clash! which does make me care more for my mum and now when i come home we have a little chat, little being the word but its nice, i think its a side effecct of this epiphany i have had which really puts a little smile on my face, so i guess you could say this is more of an arguament towards fate and everything happens for a reason, but saying that, it would mean that every bad thing i have done in my life has happened for a reason, some of these make sense like all the cheating i used to do in 2003 to the end of 2006 which gave me my reputation but things like getting in trouble for threatening to kill claudia? what does that achieve? i have learnt nothing from it, unless its one of those destiny led me though my path because of claudia? or maybe she is an icon in life saying look so many doors have opened for you since meeting francesca but with making so many friends your gonna make so many enemies too? ok so maybe their is an arguament for that but although romanticised fate is appealing to everyone, including me and everyone at some point will beleive something happened for a reason, im am torn, like a skitzophrenic because i also believe in fact and logic like any old scientist! which makes me think, well fates nice and all but really its just the brain making sense of the path of your life and giving random events a name! getting rather tecnical there but that sort of ideaL! but then, is all this just the workings of my atheist mind in a religious world, which, lets face it, is ever more religious and extreme, to make sense of the world using a sort of religion without any figurehead and rules, because surely fate is greek, from the fates creating fate, but then destiny is from japan, fate and destiny, are they the same? or are they opposite, sure their are basic cores the same, i mean fate is from birth your fated to do this, but i like the idea of destiny more, you cant achieve your destiny, or fate, till you have faced both your fears and the challenges around you and become your true person, then you go on to beccome the master of your own destiny and fulfill it? well its really good for films isnt it? but even though it is very romanticised the ideals, as always, are ones which, in real life, make sense! i mean taking controll of your life and then once you can controll your fears and your abilities then surely you can shape your world the way you want it? a nice deep thought to end it on there i guess!

Oct 11, 2006 at 12:38 o\clock

ill as fuck

by: stebbo

so yeah ive been ill for two week sbut yesterday i was puking and diorhea everywhere yuck! anyway i now am stuck at home unable to eat much or anything and now after going to the doctors he said on a side note my weight is borderline annorexic, everyone knows i like my food but i just dont eat often, sort of a habit since germany i guess i havnt been able to get out of! lol saying that its 11 40 now and i havnt eaten anythiing in 2 days exccept 2 slices of toast...my excuse? im ill and when i puke i hate having food come up, which is a fair point right? well fuck all doctors i know their clever and all but i love my food way too much to be annorexic. anyway apart from that if i could get out i reckon life would be good, im seeing lotty on wednesday when she finishes work and she was like its a date!! had a go at her for that and she took it back (dedicated to my gf i am!) plus she is 23 and has had the same bf since she was 16 so i know it wasnt like a date date but hmmm gonna be cool, then seeing ali saturday after work for sarah's birthday then sunday too and i geuss we will go out for a meal somewhere, i'll be paying of course! i wander if it's wrong to say this but fuck it its my blog i will write what i want! those fucking cunts at bryanston who claim i sold them alchohol (they are 15) and now because one of them drops into a coma they think shit who can we blame it on to not get anyone in trouble?? oh i know josh coz he doesnt go to school anymore, but because one of them drops into a coma the father is suing.... dunnoif he is suing me or not but surely i could lose my job if i have to tell them i have a conviction for selling alcohol to someone underage? dad is getting grief from these kids at school since he works there and yeah i wanna batter them and shit them right up, but after calming down i realsie thats not the right thing to do, but i can make their lives hell whenever i see them in blandford just by beng menacing, and being menacing isnt a crime as such so they cant get me for anything! anyway they just make my blood boil! what cunts and whoever they are protecting i will kill them! cunt fucking blame me for something i havnt done and making dads life hell! anyway enough on that theres not much else to say on that without repeating myself! being reduced to 2 goats means that, although we lost a rabbit we get to burn the htuch and have a fire! on the talk of fire we now have a new burning bin since our old one was home made and crap! well it worked but leaked ash everywhere now we have one that is basically a metal bin and yeh cant wait to try it out after we do the winter cut back in the garden! watched a tv programme last night about iran's nuclear weapon programme which actually opened my mind to why we should actually destroy iran before they go and nuke neighbouring middle east countries and then possibly western europe since we would be in range of their icbm's and nuclear holocausts always shit me up! because the evidence proove its not just for power purposes, surely this could be solved bybanning even nuclear tecnology being used for power then it would be easy to say right well thats illegal under the UN convention take it down or we smash up your country, and i mean with the president of iraq saying he wants to wipe israel off the face of the earth and them developing nuclear capabilities beyond those required for low grade uranium enrichment and hitting weapons grade in between 2 years (according to israel) and 10 years (cant rememebr what source 10 years comes from) means that surely something needs to be done, liek now, im not one to believe in the bible at all, but the bible does say the world will end in a firestorm, the sort of firestorm you get fro the air being ignited froma nuclear bomb> so basicalyl a nuclear holocaust was predicted int he bible as being judgement day and everyone will die? well not being biblical i still have to say i share the views of the bible on this, a nuclear holocaust would be very much like the rapture, which scares the shit outta me. anyway enough pondering on nuclear holocausts, the way to remember how to spell nuclear dad always told me, was  that the effects of nuclear are still unclear (unclear, nuclear) just 2 letters to swap over and lets face it unclear is very much the word to use with countries like iran and north korea having nuclear weapons programmes it surely is very unclear who the next superpowers will be, if the middle east nukes america to shit the world order will change, maybe the middle east will be the new russia, or the new america.....scary thought really? muslims being the reigning religion? bad for anyone who believes in western ideals? i believe so!

Oct 8, 2006 at 20:57 o\clock

wow

by: stebbo

the final rabbit is dead, were now down to just 2 goats, who i hink, as far as we can tell, are middle age and doing good which is happy news! more happy news is my car is squeaky clean inside and out although the tax disk has been lost by the garage so now it is not available to go on the road..ooops without risking a £1,000 pound fine, so for now its off the road. but yeh it appears vikki is reading my blog, maybe she has an rss feed to it..doubt it for 2 reasons, one everyone is lazy and hate rss, 2 does blogigo do rss feeds? anyway whatever first, you hate me because im competing with you for sympathy with my yeh dad wanted to die too at some points in his life...but look at him now he is happy and everything is fine so let go bout your mum tryna off herself 20 years ago, im sure she's past it, and now its because i made a joke out of her mum tryna kill herself. well thats my last point i guess really ive done my motions and ive kinda just com eout of it wanting to be social to each other for whatever reasons. anyway life trundles on, car is now squeaky and im really quite proud, got jake telling me how me thinks bout me everyday, not seen me for god knows how long and last time i saw him i was telling him i couldnt be with him coz of ali so i guess i havnt seen him in like 5 months. i dunno would i have gone out with him if he never left  bournemouth well only god knows but just that feeling of abandonment i got from it, we both knew something was there but in a way im glad he didnt stay, since now he told me he has ditched exploding cow records but will open a recording studio?? he's got it sorted and i would have held him back in bournemouth? now ay things turned out good i think, hope he feels the same. yeh since the car was/is out of action i couldnt see ali today, which she took really badly since were in the middle of a bit of a drift apart anyway, its like, we both love each other so much with everything we have but i got short with her and she got short with me and were both really pissed off bout never seeing each other, and the car being busted is just another extension to our isolation from each other. yeah hope she hasnt got enough sponsorship money to jump out of thatplane yet because i really have a gut feeling she will die and that would be the end of me, i know its astupid but in my gut i jsut feel it and i wish i could support her, but she knows that im so scared of her doing it from when i stayed the night at hers and she was ill, well update on that actually on msn she has now told me the dates set for 26th for traiing and jump on 27th sadly i look to my contacts box for comfort and my eyes fall on the screenname die willingly, depressing as hell. plus afterwards she is doing another jump as her birthday present from someone, cant remember who i was in an emotional wreck of a state that night. anyway im gonna sign off now and find something useful to do with my days!

Oct 7, 2006 at 23:47 o\clock

well....

by: stebbo

vikki is being, very immature about not even willing to be civil to me, i mean we hang out with almost all the same people and she wants to what? crack everyone in half? its come nowhere near clsoe to that but i can see this turning into a me or him situation, of course everyone will choose vikki, im not exactly someone worth bothering with, but i guess once i go traveling or to uni i wont be wanted anyway and since noone will miss me i dont see what the big deal is, but losing friends is always hard. but now i have the extra annoyance of finding out that, actually, without all the drama i really enjoy myself! i mean last night out fucking round with wombat and just shitting round between all the new people and old alike reminded me why, despite blandford being a shit hole, i love going out! so yeah im not gonna sit and wallow in self pity, or worry over my friendship with vikki, i mean read her comment to my last blog, she doesnt give two shits about me so why do i let it bother me? well bean came up and said i was a bit of a bastard for not removing the picture, i explained to him i why i was not gonna take it down till i got one worth replacing it and then when vikki made a huge deal over it (enough to unblock me and scream at me) that i removed it and put up tha tone of the kid who is dying, you know me, sucker for a sob story! plus a good picture of me is one in a billion, i always look stoned or retarded or just fugly, so hmmm bean was then like oh, right, thats not so bad. which just reminded me how biased vikki really is against me, so im not really gonna try and fight the tidal wave of hate she is gonna bring against me spreading shit about me, i guess the only difference between me and her right now is i have respect for her, when she has none for me, but you knwo what im like by now, i respect the wrong people far too much, but hmmm i still have respect, which i guess is something. i remember when everything was peachy in the summer, and it was fun but now meh, i swear each year winter brings out the worst in people. anyway on that deep though my brain is empty since its late and i have an early morning 2moz for work all day with danny which will be cool, she always makes me laugh! plus i wanna phone ali and be like wow new phone it wont cut out on you anymore!! heh

Oct 5, 2006 at 23:53 o\clock

death?

by: stebbo

Mood: diary of a lost soul so yeh oh so happy *EYE ROLL*
Listening to: too late for music dont wanna wake up the house

meh death is nothign surely, i mean you dont have people backstabbing andb itching or haing your just...dead right? well i dont believe in life after death one bit, i dont think anyone does except muslim extremists and the like ie bush! but hmmmm for once the daily mail was right...only in the horroscope section but its a start, act now or lose a dear friend, well vikki now hates me and im totally crushed by that, i mean she is sooooo amazing and i have done so much for her and she's beenj a rock to me and  now for some petty arguament in the car she wants me out of her life? i totally love her and im always torn between anger at how easily she will betray me and how special she is to me, not in the same way ali is special to me, obviously ali will always be my number one girl but vikki jsut cant seem to understand how much i like her and hse just wont be seen near me! i feel like a total..i dunno really i just feel depressed t the core of my soul and i gotta say my happy face is so nice and convicing now even ali thinks im happy...mostly! i cant stop feeling like im being eaten away at and nothing will be left of me and then life will just blurr by till i die...bleugh far to opoetic. well apart from that college is cool henry is a dude and everyone else is old but stillw ith a sense of humour but i guess. anyway life trundles on..tesco...college...sitting at home, althoguht his week i because proactive and went to dsee gina in swansea (south wales!) and not only was the road trip fun but the actual night was amazing and i left on a total high and the drive home kept me in good moods with the nice weather! gina's flatmates are all totalyl cool and yeh wicked night. i swear visiting them must be kept a bit scarce or it may become an adddiction like...my happyness drug! but yeh thinking bout my time up their cheers me up enough to stop my shoulders hunching so it was realyl good for me and a lot of petrol money well spent! so in all the doom and gloom life is not all bad! it never is! but concentrating to o much on the good things can make you put bad things to the back of your mind which have to be fixed...now me and vikki will never talk or anything again but at least she has her pride and is happy with it all, nothing sucks more than losin a close friend and caring about it, even though i cant decide whose decisions are more trajic, hers or mine well i should have explained what i meant wasnt what she thought but times way too late, like i said fucking daily mail was right, yeh i never was good at wrapping up blogs so bleugh goodnight im gonna try to sleep again tonight as the dependancy on sleeping pills looms posisbly. yeh men suck? no people suck