diary of a lost soul

Dec 13, 2005 at 10:49 o\clock

worried :s

by: stebbo

Mood: tired, ill, depressed, leave me alone!
Listening to: EMi - sex pistols

well things are not going so great nett wont open up to me bout stuff, she admitts she wont open up to me but, if she cant open up to me who can she open up to? we met up on sunday and it was great to see her and it went really well but i ended up going home rather earlier than usual! but i guess thats life! well after the shit weekend i have had it was a quite frankly it was good that i got home early coz i phoned up all the usual shoulders to cry on and had a good chatting sesh! well 4 days left of school till christmas holidays! bad news is truthful news, kay has a point when she says he best thing i can do for katie is to not see her till she gets over me. well i see her point but it means avoiding bournemouth completely. im not willing to do that so feck it i need bournemouth to feel alive and im nnot gonna feel like an empty shell just so that someone else can feel good, its selfish i know but its what keeps me sane, without it i would still be hanging out with trendies and that would just really get on my nerves. i mean yeah their great but especially with the attitude im getting from hayley and francesca then well it just shows how fikkle trendies are and i dont do fikkle, which is annoying coz even nett admits how fikkle she is and she knows im finding it hard to let go of my defences and trust her because i get such mixed signals but she keeps reassuring me and just asking me for patience, its not exactly screaming at me tog et outta there but right now i should be feeling christmassy but no im stuck in my dorm alone listening to the sex pistols and not feeling christmassy to be frank! well i really wish that nett could just open up to me lol yeahi know big warning bells there but she keeps telling me she doesnt open up to anyone and to not take it personally but its just something i cant do, i mean, seeing the person who quite frankly means the world to me being distant and well grr it just doesnt do good right now, lol gina been telling me that i can't make anything work until i get back all my self confidence, lol but all her uggestions, no offence, but their all b0llocks i mean yeah she's trying to help but she's just making me want to christ i dont even know what i want except to make nett feel comfortable with telling me how she is feeling, i mean i would never hurt her ever im not like that anymore and i havnt been for hmm about a year and a half now not that any of the trendies would believe that anyway but meh i just need to sort my fecking life out! lol well apart from all that i am also troubled because its great that jake is coming down to bournemouth this weekend but it might be a bit awkward with nett so we will just have to see, i've just got to tread careuly round this and give nett no reason to hate me! well lets just say yeah dont do anything you will regret...again! lol i have a habbit of stufffing things up for myself so just gotta keep my head down and make sure things work out for the best. katie is trying to be nice to me about all this but kay is, as kay always is! saying blatantly and without mercy what she thinks and what is going on which makes itmuch easier for me and its always a characteristicc i admire in someone, lol people are asking me how i can standd her after what she said to me, i just laugh and say i can stand it ccoz its true andd no matter what i feel how can i feel pissed off at kay for telling the truth? yeah when i talked wit her on msn i was shitting myself with anger but yeah she's got a point, a point i refuse to go along with for selfish reasons but she does have a point. well yeah so things will get interesting over the christmas holiday, i just hope it doessnt ruin christmas this year! lol i just want one chjristmas which is perfect but of course as usual something has to plaugue it i could draw a long trace through all my chrimbo's i can remember and tell youwhy they were a failure but what good would that do? well i saw last night that lifes too short to go around making life easy for everyone else just to die unhappy so i wanna yhang out with my mates, including katie and kay if they will let me! lol i just hope this can all beput behind is in the rush of christmas cheer and then ust put to one side, i highly doubt it will but i just want everyone, including myself an katie and kay to be happy again despite the anger and hatred lol well i better get myself off from blurring my brain onto the page! hope that thigns do sort themselves out though!

Dec 9, 2005 at 22:20 o\clock

typical trendy..

by: stebbo

Mood: ill
Listening to: viscinity of obsenity - system of a down

just got a missed call from francesca lol i know!! she is phoning me!!! anyway it says "heya dont worry, just thort we cud chat but dont worry. im not at home so talk anuva day. luv f" in otherwords yeah wandering how your doing but now im out with matres and it is socially unacceptable for me to talk to you because your a freak!! well yaboo sucks to that fritz!!! no respect is what she has and its so fucking annoying.. anyway apart ifrom that i love nett, she spesh and i lvoe her!!

Dec 8, 2005 at 11:11 o\clock

hypnotise has arrived!

by: stebbo

Mood: good
Listening to: hypnotise - SoaD

SoaD's new album ifnally came through the post and i love it so much its amazing!! anyway i got so much good news dan rutter is better i was kinda a biut worried about him after he got bottled down bmth. well onto more relevant happy news dan is being even more of a tit to tes by ntoo comiung down to bmth next weekend so i an hang out with tes without having him be a total prick around us. anyway i also have decided that it is time to get serious about this weekend so i have to use all my paycheck which only arriived oin friday and is supposed to last me a month on sunday to make the day sspecial for nett. she makes me so happy when she smiles its amazing. everrything seems to be going allright and i'm glad i got over my paranoia about everything about us and we seem to be doing allright! sunday will tell for definatley but i am jsut so happy right now nothing can bring me down (not tempting fate at alL!!) anyway all my friends seem to be getting happier and happier, alyse is hapy with her bf and well all is good i havnt got a clue how hayley and francesca are doing but quite frankly i just dont care! well life sure is good anyway update when something else happens!

Dec 7, 2005 at 16:34 o\clock

a painful day

by: stebbo

Mood: tired but content
Listening to: nothing as tarry is watching a DVD

well today hurt so much xc running was short but fast and it hurt like feck! glad that katie is happy again and i cant wait to see her and everyone else on sunday. physics coursework is now massive in page numbers which is cool and i am now glad about my life again weights have been lifted everywhere, katie, coursework, nett, tess all things are going well and i just cant wait to see everyone again this sunday! get amped have released their free christmas thing..they got an animation which you can see on http://www.getamped.co.uk/flash/ChristmasSong_10.swf download the song if you like it

Dec 6, 2005 at 10:49 o\clock

feel like crap

by: stebbo

Mood: mixture of happy and sad its weird i kinda switch between the two
Listening to: montsegur - iron maiden

i really really wish me and katie could just be friends and have none of this plagueing us, she has been so great about it but i know inside she is hating being such a good person and it gives me even mroer espect for her and makes her such an amazing person, i mean i do feel connected with her just not as a lover, lol g@y best friend kinda thing! i dunno but she does mean loads to me and i think we have both just got a bit confused about things and well i wanna be there for her coz she is a mate but i dunno what the hell i am supposed to do about it i mean well life is allright but its not great and well as for me and nett, she is very busy right now and i got really paranoid about us and well i wish it could be the sumer again in someways lol it was all so easy but then you always think that about the summmer coz summer is the time when everything is pretty simple usually lol with the few exceptions! i'm kinda alright about not seeing nett on sunday but it still really bugs me its just that i have accepted it and imnot gonna dwell on it coz what good is that gonna do right now? i really miss her and well just gotta hope everything works out and everything is fine! i really really want everybody to be happy, i'm kinda alright but poor katie i just wish there was something i could do but the more i do the worse it will get so i just gotta back off which isnt in my nature when a friend of mine needs help. anyway on a random happyish note i am gonna fail my physics coursework if i dont get this done so i really should go! i just wish that katie can find happyness nand everyone can be friends again!! except me and the trenddies coz hayley and francesca have just pissed me off so much i dunno y i kept trying tobe their friends i have now officially given up on giving hayley her present she answers the fone and half way through when i tell her about her present she says she's not sure when she is free and i try to get moire out of her and she just hangs up so i cant be asssed anymore and it feels oh so good! anyway on with the physics!!

Dec 5, 2005 at 17:27 o\clock

tragedy

by: stebbo

Mood: depressed
Listening to: vermillioon - slipknot

well nett didnt come down on sunday because she was feeling ill and stressed, no matter how much i know i shouldnt mind because well it's not as if anyone could put up with me once a week for too long but yaknow i had it all planned out and then she cancells coz se is ill, gets better and says she will come and then doesnt come, its kinda a double whammy which is a total b!tch, anyway i'm really down about it and i just wish that everything could be sorted out and never bothered with anymore i mean not bothered with as far as they all work not to give up on them, i really miss seeing her and i know deep down that this is really special, it's not just physical and it's not just about anything else other than me and her, i have so many issues and she respects and even understands them all and has allready been so patient with me, the big question is has she used up all her patience and given up on us? i really think she is totally special and i wanna be with her for so long it's just crazy. but lifes being a total b!tch which sucks. anyway apart from nett i guess life is going well though i mean school grades are up and stuff but i just really wanna have a holiday. unfortunatley its gonna be plagued with revision and retakes but thats my own stupid fault for not having the intelligence to get decent grades first time round, so i can live with that its just my stupidity has ruined yet another holiday! well i am really really really apsoloutly low about nett but if it is just nothing then i guess it's all cool its just that i wanna be with ehr so much and oh f@ck i am late for a lesson!! will say the rest later tonight