Mood: empty and just generally emotionless
Listening to: always - bon jovi (dunno y though!)
well this week has been awful, even my tutor has noticed im not my usual self and people close to me are starting to really get worried. even dad is picking up on a major problem in my life. things are not good tes has just ruined my life n he short term, i just find like i cant be happy and dont frankly even wanna talk to anyone about anything. just feel like jumping out of a very high building. times like these i wish i could just have a holiday. but unfortunatley with tesco only giving me one day of holiday a year thats kinda hard! anyway times do get bad and well, times like these makes me realise what life is about well i just think that i should not have left all the trendies and skirts t oin my social group of utter diversity now since i would still be moping about over francesca and all would be back in the good old days as they say. problem is, i had so many good times but now its all overshadowed majorly by all this tes business. i phoned her last night and we talked for ages first about what happened and i apologised for speaking my mind which she told me not to. but basically after a really long chat about everything it ended up with me telling her how i just need her. she didnt take it very well and told me basically she really likes dan and she see's themg oing out for a long time. problem is i know dan is oging out with her for some reason other than he wants to be with her because he rejected her but then realised i was going for her and got in there first. basically i dunno what he is doing but it hurts me so much whatever it is. i mean he has allerady been trying ot feel up sky at a party so he's obviously not that dedicated to tes. thing is if i tell anyone all of this it just seems like i'm sh!t stirring and no1 will believe me. but i am willing to wait for tes. tes said that her and dan will be going out for ages and in all honesty i dont mind because she really opened me up to the world again and i just cant go through this cycle all over again like i did with francesca that would just really be awful. so what am i saying as to what my life is like right now? well i guess you could say im extremely depressed and havnt been even looking after my body anymore, started smoking again after 5 weeks of quitting, loads of other things as well, its like my life has just come to a halt and its all for nothing unless i have tes so why bother with it all? well surely that sounds a bit extreme but every word of it is 100% true. so our lady peace says in their lyrics "i found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you!" but look where trying to be a better person and social and caring has led me? once again stuck in a pit of hatred for all my so called mates. dan went behind my back in such a big way i just cant believe it. well i just wanna put everything behind me and either go out with tes or like go back in time and still hang out with the trendies and skirts. true it would mean lsitening to the pure evil of dance and R&B in peoples cars and stupid stuff like that but surely then i was at leadt happy with my life? well i dunno i dont think its worth going into all of that again, happy but i dint really know the world, even when it was just us lot it was very sheltered, i mean none of the fun of running from the police when were drinking or parties late night in bournemouth or anything ufn it was always house parties or going bowling. i dunno it was great when i didnt know better but now theres so much more fun to be had just meeting mates at horshoe or chilling in the gardens with a few beers instead of sneaking into pubs for underage drinking there coming up with storied why i left my ID at home. not its just go to the paki offy and get shed loads of spirits and drink myself to a stupor, even more since tes left me. i dunno i think i might be turning into the biggest alcoholic ever! almost every night now! well its starting to show im drained phsyically and emotionally, i find it so hard to msile i almost cant do it anymore. i just cannot do anything anymore its all gone and i'm just empty inside. i know that tes is the one for me but im blatantly just someone to have fun with when she gets back with dan so what can i do? well i dunno anymore and i think im gonna be stuck in limbo until they break up and try my luck then,, i fi get rejected them i think i will be totally screwed for the rest of my life but we will just have to see! anwyway time i went and did some essay writing, oh the joys!