diary of a lost soul

Nov 29, 2005 at 18:28 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: tired!
Listening to: rip out the wings of a butterfly - HIM

well school is still a b!tch i guess. i dont wanna leave but in other ways i cant wait to go. i dunno lol im still trying to enjoy it but it is gettingincreasingly harder and harder to enjoy. still psycology is going well! me and nett are doing well and me and tes are getting on very well, in fact it all seems to be going quite well! yeah i have my issues but there relatively small compared to what they used to be, hayley is still being a total retard about getting her present so if she just keeps ignoring me im just not gonna send it coz quite frankly i think that i deserve respect! well even if i dont i want it! i met a really nice girl called katie down bournemouth and she nicknamed me jack rabbit josh lol and also justin timberlake after my drunken dancing....then nett's mate sarah nicknamed me shoe....since my name broken into word syllables in josh shoe ahhhh. well thats kinda cool im been given nicknames again! lol well all is good down bournemouth. physics coursework is gonna be a bit of a slog but i can get it done! ontop of that there is the problem of getting paid and paying off all the people i owe money to as wella s christman shopping but meh will be sorted i reckon could crack open my emergenc money supply but im hoping that it wont come to that! i talked to cornflake for the first time in ages and were gonna meet up have a good catch up lol she seem's as crazy as ever! lol well i hope things go well. well other good news is that my driving has improved loads lol! well not much to say about that except to just state a fact. all does seem to be on the mend with a possibility to be amazing this christmas lol but it could still all go pear shaped but life has been good to me so far lol i am sure dan sams will have his comeuppance soon and i know i shouldnt feel glad when it ocmes...but quite frankly i will sicne he has broken so many gentlemans rules. then hid behind arrogance and just general b@stardism. but since then he has apologised and been a good bloke about it but i know he is doing it for the happyness of tes even though i know so much more about the possible situations than either of them i am not gonna sit here and spill it out coz i will look like a twat but i have told tes my honest opinion and have in fact been brutal and she respects me for that which really makes me feel safe...something i guess i have been looking for for quite some time. i really truly totally miss so many people from bournemouth i havnt seen in ages but its good that i really dont miss hayley and francesca, their names seem to fly off my fingers when i type it but im so glad that they are in a different world to me now, yeah i will always remain loyal to them but their not great people, they are too judging and hippocritical when i judge them just to show them what it feels like. well of course they dont like it but anyway back to the point, i am so glad that i dont even tthink of them ever really except when it ry to ring them and they ignore me, i mean yeah were different people but that doesnt mean we cant be mates or at least civil to each other...well they do live in the world of trendies and skirts so i guess it does. anyway im gonna get on with physcis coursework now so ttyl!!

Nov 23, 2005 at 22:29 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: happy
Listening to: system - chester bennington

well i have been set up, by tes, with this amazing girl called nett and she is really special! not gonna talk about nett or ages she's my special baby and i really really really totally like her so much its wicked....yeh i guess u could call it love! well what else? well i talked to wombat and how i was right about dan all along which feels so good since he is still not talking to me event hough he has nor eason since i have zero ideas in my head about going out with tes or anything. but more good news is that everything is on the up, nett has passed her driving test and is actually willing to come meet me in my hose which is good :p were gonna go se eharry potter this weekend which will be cool. but i also wanna make it oficial between me and her but its too soon! but yeh i really like her. i wish i could warn tes about dan but i will still just look liket he jealous loser between dan and me...when lets face it i have everything he wants tpo be, he has admitted this to me when we were mates so ijust sit back all arrogant and happy in life! well anyway sucks to be dan its amaz`ing to b e me, thats how i feel i cant wait till all the scandals come out about him!! well enough said life is good i have the upper edge on dan and he still calls me stebbings and uses arguaments i have with other people as reason to not talk to me. sad and pathetic ha! well gonna go surf net now updates later when i am unbanned from the internet at school....damn i hate the system at school but i dont wanna leave coz life outside bryanston is gonna be scary!! well thats enough for now too many people on msn to be blogging!!

Nov 3, 2005 at 10:41 o\clock

a bad week

by: stebbo

Mood: empty and just generally emotionless
Listening to: always - bon jovi (dunno y though!)

well this week has been awful, even my tutor has noticed im not my usual self and people close to me are starting to really get worried. even dad is picking up on a major problem in my life. things are not good tes has just ruined my life n he short term, i just find like i cant be happy and dont frankly even wanna talk to anyone about anything. just feel like jumping out of a very high building. times like these i wish i could just have a holiday. but unfortunatley with tesco only giving me one day of holiday a year thats kinda hard! anyway times do get bad and well, times like these makes me realise what life is about well i just think that i should not have left all the trendies and skirts t oin my social group of utter diversity now since i would still be moping about over francesca and all would be back in the good old days as they say. problem is, i had so many good times but now its all overshadowed majorly by all this tes business. i phoned her last night and we talked for ages first about what happened and i apologised for speaking my mind which she told me not to. but basically after a really long chat about everything it ended up with me telling her how i just need her. she didnt take it very well and told me basically she really likes dan and she see's themg oing out for a long time. problem is i know dan is oging out with her for some reason other than he wants to be with her because he rejected her but then realised i was going for her and got in there first. basically i dunno what he is doing but it hurts me so much whatever it is. i mean he has allerady been trying ot feel up sky at a party so he's obviously not that dedicated to tes. thing is if i tell anyone all of this it just seems like i'm sh!t stirring and no1 will believe me. but i am willing to wait for tes. tes said that her and dan will be going out for ages and in all honesty i dont mind because she really opened me up to the world again and i just cant go through this cycle all over again like i did with francesca that would just really be awful. so what am i saying as to what my life is like right now? well i guess you could say im extremely depressed and havnt been even looking after my body anymore, started smoking again after 5 weeks of quitting, loads of other things as well, its like my life has just come to a halt and its all for nothing unless i have tes so why bother with it all? well surely that sounds a bit extreme but every word of it is 100% true. so our lady peace says in their lyrics "i found a reason for me, to change who i used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you!" but look where trying to be a better person and social and caring has led me? once again stuck in a pit of hatred for all my so called mates. dan went behind my back in such a big way i just cant believe it. well i just wanna put everything behind me and either go out with tes or like go back in time and still hang out with the trendies and skirts. true it would mean lsitening to the pure evil of dance and R&B in peoples cars and stupid stuff like that but surely then i was at leadt happy with my life? well i dunno i dont think its worth going into all of that again, happy but i dint really know the world, even when it was just us lot it was very sheltered, i mean none of the fun of running from the police when were drinking or parties late night in bournemouth or anything ufn it was always house parties or going bowling. i dunno it was great when i didnt know better but now theres so much more fun to be had just meeting mates at horshoe or chilling in the gardens with a few beers instead of sneaking into pubs for underage drinking there coming up with storied why i left my ID at home. not its just go to the paki offy and get shed loads of spirits and drink myself to a stupor, even more since tes left me. i dunno i think i might be turning into the biggest alcoholic ever! almost every night now! well its starting to show im drained phsyically and emotionally, i find it so hard to msile i almost cant do it anymore. i just cannot do anything anymore its all gone and i'm just empty inside. i know that tes is the one for me but im blatantly just someone to have fun with when she gets back with dan so what can i do? well i dunno anymore and i think im gonna be stuck in limbo until they break up and try my luck then,, i fi get rejected them i think i will be totally screwed for the rest of my life but we will just have to see! anwyway time i went and did some essay writing, oh the joys!