diary of a lost soul

Oct 31, 2005 at 12:34 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: depressed as sh!t!
Listening to: please please please (young hollywood) - head automatica

well me and tes are now not talking, same with me and dan, kat is trying to be cool about it all but i think dan is spreading a hell of a lot about me, some true but probably untrue stuff as well. that boy annoys me! anyway i just found out that no matter what happens to people in life its bloody annoying no matter what lol. dan is up so i am down and al this balancing out yin and yang seems to be true! i have basically given up on tes which is a shame but i havnt cried int he shower (when she first told me) like that ever i dont think but cheering up now so will be cool. but hopefully people will; help me cheer up, lol no luck so far all i get in angry and wannahurt people! lol well its been a tough half term i mean started great but then after tes telling me bout dan obviously the greatness of half term compeltely left me lol and i wish i could say something good has come out of this but i really, at least right now anyway, dont think anything good has come from this. i mean i have spent a lot more time taking my anger out biking and stuff but meh biking is getting harder for some reason. probably my alchoholism lol! but meh francesca phoned me once which was quite nice and we had a good catch up chat. i think she's worried about who i hang out with and what i get up to down bournemouth when i told her how i was kinda proud of danny because i saw him at the begginning of the eek and at the end of the week without him even beign ut in the cells. lol i overstated it a bit granted but its no like he is not a regular lol but yeah apparantly she is scared to hang out for all night long in bournemouth and yet i would feel so comfortable about it you just have to get to nkow the right people! lol well me and my parents seem on good terms again but that may be just because they can sense how much extreme pressure socially and other ways i am under and i think they knwo something is wrong since their being so nice to me but we will just have to see! but school has ben crap so far my pen wont work and i have phsyics after this free period and i have no pen! see if i can race out and get one fromt he bookroom beforehand! but after all the effort i went to to set kat and luke up he dumped her 2 days after going out with ehr and noone knows why! but atleast kat admitts she is better without dan rutter. even though i respect dan rutter as a mate what he did to kat was wrong but we all need to learn through our mistakes so im not gonna be a d!ck to him beacuse of somehting he did once! well a few times but thats not the point! lol well my forum seems to be back up and kind of running lol hard work but people are coming back to it even tes has posted twice but im not sure if she really would want to anymore! lol well anyway i managed to finally get george and sophie to get in there all the way, with help from a party and some bloke called dave. anyway gonna go now get a chit for a pent hen head to physics lol the good news is i am not fecked up enough to not even be able to type into the good old blog! lol go me!!!

Oct 26, 2005 at 00:06 o\clock

lost another one

by: stebbo

Mood: mixture of grief depression and kinda no feelings at all
Listening to: no feeling - sex pistols

well lost tes, dan got in there and told her how much of a cheating bstard i am. i did feel really p!ssed off at first but if i get too into her it will just become another francesca scenario so can't do that. just gotta bury even more feeling deep inside. hope it will be for the better i mean i dunno but it could be. yeah we could have been amazing but if her and dan are amazing together then i would have stopped them so i dunno its all for the best and since everyone seems against me on this one it would be too self destructive to keep up anything but what i am doing now. i think its about time i just gave up on actually trying o believe that there is someone out there for me and just really give in i mean all i do is get girls who i like but either e drift apart or they dont like me after a few months and well its just not worth it anymore. dunno never really cried like i did in the shower today over tess so i guess it proves that i do have emotions and im not completely dead inside another short one because i jst cant deal with pouring out all my emotions right now will end up just dying from it all...anyway update on things probably tomorow!

Oct 21, 2005 at 13:11 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: ever so deeply depressed
Listening to: vermillion - slipknot

well i have had bad news fromt he police. oli is actually accusing me of being violent towards him and i acte in self defence! that pisses me off so much and ontop of that all my so called mates arent willing to make a statement so there is nothing to get him with. dam well pissed off about that. plus i am not going to be able to see tes for a little longer than i thought so kind of on a downer. wrote another letter to jake in detention today and cant wait to get this festival on the proper straight and narrow it wil be so good! jus remembering i have friends like jake who are actually loyal means so much to me especially when i used to actually consider sam a frriend. such a total idiot i am. so many things in my mind lpagueing me but so little i actually physically write. my hands dont seem to want to open up my mind today so many emotions i need to suppress. good news htough is dads platelet count has increased 30 times its value a few weeks ago so he is now at about 400 when before he was 14! so he's back in the healthy zone which is good. so little to say like i said but i am not going to force it out so may blog when i am more open about my emotions right now

Oct 18, 2005 at 13:43 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: excited
Listening to: november rain - guns n roses

atschool its tuesday adn lastweekend was good. kat dumped dan so she is now happy which is good. me and tess are going well and hopefully have a keeper there! well i have told everyone who i was having things with before tess that it wont work or whatever was appropriate for the situation. going to make sure everything i perfect for this one. she is somthing very special! well what else is there to say? charlie woo is back from greece and she seems bouncy as ever. everything is onthe up lol a non depressing bournemouth weekend. did extra xc runnign esterday afte the session and now have so many blisters but was funny lol because so many girls were like "omg what a freak running out of games time" but i enjoy i...right now i am nt enjoying the pain of not being able to walk very well without pain but oh well lifes a b!tch and thats just it! francesca and hayley are still out of mind and i have tried to extend the hand of friendship but they threw it back at me, luckily for me this time i didnt really care because life is ont he up so much i never have to worry abotu them again! well also lucky since dont have to deal with anything i dont want to deal with now since i have told emily im sorry but and all that...i still really do like her but that spark that makes it more than friends is totally invisible to me since me and tess just, as everyone tells us all the time, are perfect for each other...got a call froms eomseon right now when iw as about to end it and they wre asking for lee mullins!!! lol hayley has a brother called lee somwhere in this world how really stupid is that!!?? lol oh well unoiginality must run intheir family or somthing! meh chloe confessed to me she still likes me, i havtn even made a move n her but i do need to tell her when i go out with tess and well, chloe bein chloe will probably justw ait for us to break up, she is not as bad a ersn as i used to think. lol we just btoh thought that each other hated each other so we played along! well anyway im gonna go email tess bout meeting up in half term! wish me luck!!!

Oct 8, 2005 at 17:10 o\clock


by: stebbo

Mood: so happy!
Listening to: the middle - jimmy eat world

well today so far has been good in between seeing sky and going to work! but hung out with her and her stoner friends so was a good start to an amazing weekend just wanna say that tyhisd will be a good weekend and dont even feel bad about what i said about hayley or francesca yet so life will be good!

Oct 7, 2005 at 21:07 o\clock

exeat weekend

by: stebbo

Mood: jumpy and happy
Listening to: i shot william H macy - head automatica

well school finishes on friday at a half decent time. it sucks i can only blog rarely since i have had my internet account at school frozen until i can go and find the administrator to unblock it.... he's hard to get hold of maybe a week or two i dunno! lol well life is going ok i guess did all my work early even for next week so im feeling really good about that! well i have the pleasures of being a single man again so looking forward t this weekend immensly....one day away well a few hours really gonna be good. things have bneen going great everywhere in my life really. no complaints excet that hayley is being a total cow i mean i am trying to work out her birthday present...spent about 5 hourus on it and all i get from her when i ring her is a "why the f*ck did you call me? f*uck off" kinda attitude but im still gonna give it to her through the post because it will be my last year around dorset if all goes to plan with the air force so i want this year to be special but she must always pushes the boundaries pushing me back for so long i am so surprised i still like her and francesca. oho well not gonna see them thi9s time next year, something to look forward to, getting them indefinatley out of my life forever! nyway just an update to say life is great will blog after this weekend which...of course will rock!