diary of a lost soul

Aug 27, 2005 at 22:36 o\clock

update of gay proportions

by: stebbo

well who would have guessed it i got attacked by someone i barely know the face of coz according to him i insulted his mum..but apparantly i also pranked him impersonating the police and according to him i also slagged off his mates and apparantly well yøu get the idea! i hardly know him and he just decided to lay into me and yes it does fecking cain! oh well first day of job at bryanston did the first of training and it overrun so i was late to start tesco then a custmer complained about me so all in all my day has been 100% sh!t but wot can u do just gotta hope ma mouth heals up from the punches no teeth lost or anything major so its hopefully just a case of time. oh well 2moro is another day we will just have to see what happens anther day of work at bryanston so hopefully another uneventful day with any luck :( well update when somthing happens or i actyuall feel emotions!

Aug 18, 2005 at 12:41 o\clock

day results are out and.... :(

by: stebbo

Mood: depression and antipathy are such a weird mix!
Listening to: belly of the beast - anthrax

well my as results come out today and i could wait a few days for them to be posted or i can go and get them myself but i just cant be arsed to go to school today. things have changed a bit.... first of all i have a lovely gf called sian who is amazing and doesnt realise it...she's beautiful smart sweet and oh so funny! anyway she's great. but everything is overshadowed by somthing i shouldnt give a toss about but i do. hayley and francesca again.... i finally got th balls at 1 30 in the morning a few days ago tot ext her saying how i dont give a shit abot her evasiveness about meeting up and i wont hold my breath about seeing her i now remember this was on tuesday/wednesday night as we were meeting up wednesday and low and behold i get a sorry but i cant come fromhayley and ai i dont think i can come from francesca and no word since they always get another offer much ater after i offer to meet up with me and so they just cancel on me, so i ring today like i said i would to find out about whether they know if they can come on sunday the answer will be no but i have to give them the benefit of the doubt so i asked them and all they say is "dont know dont care were getting our results go away" and they hung up, well francesca doesnt even ever answer her fone for me she gets someone else near to answer it and if no1 is near tshe lets it ring and pretends she cant hear it or somthng else rather so called clever which is just blatantly obvious. anyway it just makes me feel down after ages ago when i was at my worst depression ever while i was going out with francesca at least and she went on and on about how important to her i was and was is the word its just like life really isnt it i make friends and we reach a height of friendship where u think their good mates forever then they just drift away i hate it but its a fact of life for me at least anyway. i dont care what other people say i change for noone is somthing rob said last night and he is such a nice gu to the extreme i actually feel guilty like im abusing his friendship when he drove me out to see sian last night coz his love interest culdnt come and i felt so bad abotu it! he's a good boy that rob is! lol well anyway i don't know why this whol efrancesca and hayley business is getting me down becvause their just trendies who think the world revolves around them i mean hayley's dad has bought her a mercedes a class and pays for insurance tax etc EVEN FUEL!!! i mean fecking hell she doesnt even have to buy fuel and she always goes oh im not well off yeah blah blah yeah thats nice im still struglling to keep my head afloat and not go into the red :( then i have so called mates like hayley rollling in it and mates like rob who are like me you know having enough money to get by but only just. i guess me and hayley and francescas relationship as mates broke up when i did that whole sh!t on my face joke on them with abi and they have just not talked to me since actually i gues it was like before but i never noticed.... how manyy times has francesca or hayley rng me in their lives? none! never ever i actually..the summer i was going out with her ran up a home fone bill of 200 quid ringing the two of them.... that kinda bollocks just gets to me so bad. i dunno what to think anymore except to thinnk that well not only do i want a better life but i dont wanna leave my life because sian really makes me smile so much and all her mates are wicked fun and i just love everything about my life in bournemouth but as soon as i levae its like a reality check so of course ive thought about leaving home and living in the ymca for 3 quid a night and just spending all my time down there but you know ive got to get used to the fact i cant spend all my time with them because as soon as i go back to school its once a week at the most and its gonne be worse this year than ever now i have such an exensive friendship group down there compared to before the one group is about double all my friends from before ever put together!! so i will miss them all. nobody really reads this anymore so its good coz i can speak my mind francesca and hayley make me go so mad sometimes that i just wana go crazy with a ssledge hammer in their houses! anyway i have to sort out other things in my life like overtime at tesco so im off to bike orund for a bit now update when more happens!

Aug 6, 2005 at 13:28 o\clock

where to begin?

by: stebbo

Mood: slightly depressed but not really sure
Listening to: 2 minutes to midnight - iron maiden

well tash is out of the pictre as far as i am concerned after going to a theme park calle funderworld which was inkings park..well still is but anyway! went to try t find her and she was being evasive, managed to get hold of her a few timesd but she cut me off after a bit then some guy answered the fone and shouted down it so i just thought feck her i am gonna have a good time without her....which i didnt but anyway! walked off int he direction a few people i recognised told me she was but couldnt find her so got hold of sam to pick me up, the fecker had allready drove off which is gay but i rang him and he drove back to pick me up, he said he thought i was gonna make my own way back i reckon or somthing anyway i just feel kinda annoyed and pissed off bu most of all i guess i just dont really feel anything now, the old brain is freezing it all out which is probably for the best, she is now on strike 2, one more and its gone for good but i know i should give her till three but i dunno if i can take it so im just gonna go into it thinking about it as if we have allready failed so i wont be hurt when she strikes out next time we meet. well sam invited me to an all night party which would seem nice of him if he wasnt only inviting me coz im the only one with a tent...see we need a tent to sleep in so he invited me coz im the one with the tent...typical sam he knows im broke and yesterday he demanded i buy him a drink, these days i can actually say now hich is good but i let him share both bottles with me coz it was 2 for £1.25 which was really cheap...well no money till i get paid next friday... a whole week with no money gawd im screwed!!! well anyway i think that i should get a new life for myself again the thought of leaving for good pop into my mind but germany i dont htink is rthe best thing for me anymore now i think once i reach my gap year and go off to do a 6 month placement in a game reserve which will rock them will just drift from place to place i dont car what...then once i join the air force i will be placed all over the world so i will be able to run for my problems for the rest of my life meh people say running from your problems does nothing, well its bullsh!t course it does out of sight out of mind and so forth. anyway on a happier note i have now had a few days of good sleep without francesca bursting into my mind even after seeing her today i guess the fact that after all her demanding that we havnt seen each other in ages and it would be great to see me i realised she means see me, and not talk to me. well friends like that arent worth keeping and slowly i think both me and francesca are phasing each other out. sam is also taking great pride, in doing stuff which he thinks annoys me but i just find it funny like he goes on and on about how great driving is when he knows my next lesson is on frida..been doing it ever since he passed so called knowing it annoys me but lol jokes on him as soon as i pass im not even gonna bother getting a car coz i can get everywhere i need by bike, as soon as i need a car i'll get one! loads of other things as well but i just sit their laughing them off in my head. problems are gonna arise soon with the rock group in bournemouth as tash sometimes hangs around with them so will be slightly weird! lol i dunno what will happen but theirs only one way to find out. looking back wow has many friendships gone to the pan as i make new ones old friends disapprove and phase themselves out, pretty much all the Th gang has gon, the sunday gang i just distancerd myself from coz they bug me, the rock group is going well (what i mentally call the randomers who i chill out with al the time in bournemouth even though their like different groups in their own way to me their just one!1!) and well the bry group is on a hold since they all live afar away but as sono as school starts i know they'll be there for me. well things have massively changed and hmm it is for the better i think but yeah i regret not keeping a lot of friendships people ask me if i mind having hardly any mates and school and the answer is honestly no i dont care that almost everyone in my school either thinks im weird or a freak or just generally loud....coz every word of it is true! ahh cant wait to get off and live in total isolation for a few months possibly i will extend it to years depending on how i feel then when i come back we can see who actually wants to see me, at the moment i guess im being slightly depressive here but i fell like noone will be there but i know deep down people will...not many granted but a few will well anyway im off now coz i have to fix my pc... i flipping hate them but i hate the fact that its broken more..long live macs! anyway will update later in the week when somthing actually happens

Aug 4, 2005 at 20:38 o\clock

well...

by: stebbo

Mood: confuzzled :s
Listening to: hero of the day (live from s&m) - metallica

hmm things have got complicated and weird now! lol well saw tash last night and after signing up for 200 hours of community service for apsoloutly no reason except tash is in the mv and now its like weird! well she ignored me all night pretty much except so say hi and hug me! well she said it was because she wanted to let me have a night witht he lads which seemed fair and she says lets meet up today and she will make it up to me...so i cant go out to see emily today because peter latimer came over which was kinda a bummber but really good to see him coz now he is retired we never get to see him he is always going off somwherre different and meeting new people! well anyway for the evening i asked her if she was free and she said no so hmm and she also told me this weekend was off so i dunno whats going on! maybe what the rumours say are true and she is a slut wait no thats a lie gaz told me she is sometimes slutty but she is a good person so i trust him with my life so i beleive that but i just dunno wot i sgoing on i no i wanna be with her right now but long term i dunno if it could last i mean she spends loads of time in mv i think and i dont particularly like it in there coz plenty of weird people in there...like seriously weird and i feel extremely jaded so i duno. never felt jaded before in my life my cockly arrogance has always overcome it butnow its really weird and wow! lol this si what people mean by i'm too loud and outgoing...walking into mv was like a quiet person having a day out with me or somthing! well they signed me up for 200 hours and hmmm i will do it but i first said i would do it in the air cadets and no way am i gonna do that! will tell them that i will not be able to do it regularly due to school and so will find somthing else to do im sure oh well will be good for me to be around people i feel jaded by..i hope i dunno we'll see! anyway keep trying to see franccesca and she keeps either ignoring her phone or just cvutting me off...when i am lucky enough to get through to her its always maybe call me later about it in a few days so i do and she then ignores me! lol if im lucky...super lucky enough to get through twice then she will just say srry you shoulda told me bout it earlier...grrrr am tearing my hair out about that sometimes! well it pisses me off to the extreme she can be such a fecking skirt b!tch but i cant not like her! pisses me off but oh ell wot can u do about it! well hopefully will see tash more in the social situation i am comfortable with...just chilling in bmth.....mv is way too crazy and weird! lol but i got a pen! well anyway joining is more than anyone would do at bryanston! lol unless they were doing a guilt trip or somthing i dunno anyway just doesnt seem like somthing they would do! well thats a lie a few would but most would just not bother its true and the people im thinking of...most of them arent in my friendship group so if anyone has a fecking go at me i will go skitz! i wanna go back to skool a total chav for a day just to see peoples faces! then go back to my usual attire (t-shirt and jeans) meh tried a new look and damn does it suit me, black jeans, black t-shirt and black leather jacket!!! i looked smooth! well i certainly did get hot on the bike to bmth that day though! bought a wicked t-shirt taking the piss out of the song "young dumb and full of fun" they replaced fun with cum...not original but i like the song so now im buying loads of onmes insulting god and being slightly satanical coz its funny to insult god.....if he does exist he has done feck all for me! lol made the person i bought a wedding ring for leave me, made the people in my life hate me so i've given up caring anymore! well im off now coz im just in a towel and chav's are walking past in throngs checking me out...gonna get naked! lol joke im gonna go put some clothes on!

Aug 1, 2005 at 12:01 o\clock

yesterday was amazing!

by: stebbo

Mood: bored
Listening to: feur freil - rammstein

ok well i had a fight with the rents and as you do i decided to bike the 25 miles to bmth...again! well anyway i got their with no plans to meet up with anyone except darren because he is in bournemouth everyday since he lives in the ymca and has no job so he is ALWAYS in bmth spending his dole money lol anyway loads were down there with him and so we sat in the gardens and listened to mmusic from peoples mp3 players which was cool then we saw a magician calling himself mr merlin in bournemouth gardens so we went over to watch and as we were walking over to sit down he saw us and said "oh look kiddies you know its now nighttime coz the creatures are out!!" and then insulted us again by saying "ok children its good to see soi many colours in the audience" before going round and said " pink green blue orange...BLACK BLACK BLACK pink" lol was funny sdo darren made a comment back when the magician was asking what the teddy bear was missing...the answer was a bow tie but darren said it needed a gimp mask...made all the kiddies ask their mum what a gimp mask is...classic! anyway we left coz it was getting boring and we sat down in the gardens by the bridge and got insulted loads by a fat chav who me darren and the tall blonde guy feck knows his name.... ended up chasing him onto a bus but couldnt follow since we had no money and he had a day pass the bugger! anyway we walked ff only to have him get off the bus and come shout insults at us again all of a sudden he has these two chavvette friends who i slag off so they chuck their bottle of cider at me! hilarious! just picked it up and walked off! their shouting stuff like how it has laxatives in it which them beings chavettes of course the couldnt afford! lol anywayy thats a bit harshe but anyway i i just shout back "thats ok then my boyfriend will be pleased tonight in the bedroom" which made them kinda dissappear fast!!! lol then it turns out this gal fancies me and had a fat go at one of my mates for flirting with me so me and this gal called tash get really intimate just to piss her off but we both wanted it to be a long thing but i dunno coz i wanna be with emily my ex but at the same time i dont want to be with my ex coz its perfect now and as soon as it happens it will fall apart and fail so im in 2 minds well anyway havnt seen daryll in ages which is a shame wander if he's gone off somwhere god knows! lol anyway ive said enough i have to go to tesco now start my shift which finishe 10 at night...oh well its money :(