diary of a lost soul

Mood: depressed and angry
Listening to: the reason-hoobastank

well sam asks me what is gonnahappen if i cant get down to bournemouth what am i gonna do with john and i told him we will go round to a mates house in blandford and chill listen to music and have a few beers! all sam has to sa is "thats not very fair, making john have a boring time just so you can chill with oyur freaky goth mates" first of all dude!!! its your fault we cant go down unless a miracle is pulled out of the bag and 2nd of all whats wrong with chilling at home with a few beers! argh well anyway i wish he just was outta my life at times like this coz he always finds a way to bug me to no end and generally piss me off just so he can feel superior, little comments like "you dont like anything fun do you?" or "why do oyu wana go there? its sh!t" he always has to knock me off and be the king! if he even does agree to drive us down he's gonna have the shit knocked out of him in the mosh pit! then he will get violent and it will be funny! this is one of the reasons in a way i wont miss him when he leaves bry at the end of this term...also he stole two of my s3x bands and even when i see them on his wrist he claims he bought them, funny! he never has worn them before! i had a system bbrbrbr (dw bout that bit!) and he ruined it, guess this is one of the signs that i may have an obsessive compulsive disorder!!! lol ah well! its not THAT bad just yet! well im gonna go shout out really loud where noone can hear me and scream my face off...or just have a fag! i have almost gone a whole week without one and ihave just been doing nothign for the past two nights except staying awake needing a fag or puking up from the really bad cold turkey its awful i need a fag! well im off for a fag will blog later this evening or tomorow!

Mood: pissed off
Listening to: nothing im in physics

grrrrr its so gay, mum is willing to drive some of my mates down to bournemouth for a night out and we need sam's car to be able to get everyone there and back, but he wants to go clubbing with luke afterwards, so we have a way there and not a way back! its my bloody birthday mini celebration and sam is gonna bloody piss it up because he wants to do what he wants to do! ive got this celebration for one group of friends and then there is a party i am planning for the weekend after for alyse, bob, erin and that lot which i am still arranging. problem is it is dicking me off so much grr! can anyone just let me do what i wish to do on my birthday and i wish that i could maybe just have a chance to do what i want to do...i kiow i am being a bit of a drama queen but sam is being so stubborn as to not let me enjoy my birthday actually close to the day, im gonna have to wait to my party when it doesnt matter what samw ants coz he wont be invited. maybe sometime i think that sam will realise that he CANT have what he wants all the time and until then i will have to just use the chance of a lifetime opportunity of my holiday this summer to get away. im going to wales for 2 weeks and i am gonna go on my own and enjoy myuself on my own and the problem is money...im screwed i need cash and i have none, parents may give me a loan but their about to send hannah through college and in the summer imm mgonna start learning to drive and its unfair on them asking them for even more money so i can go off and do whatever i want to do! well i guess i better get on with some revision so i will blog again later this afternoon

well its not my birthday but allready sophie has got me a dougal cake and a few D's bought me a dougal cake and i bought myself a dougal cake thinking noone was going to buy me one so i have 3 dougal cakes! (dougal from the magic roundabout) and they got me some polo's...and mia is giving me cigarette money on monday! apart from that im getting pssht not much really parents ight get me a jacket but hmm hope my sister gets me a good cd, dont count on anyone else i dont reckon, i think sam is getting me a card and hayley and francesca might go halves on a present for me if i'm lucky. but oyu know what would really make my birthday? a phone call...a measly phone call from a few of my friends who i dont really see anymore just wishing me happy birthday, not just alyse and that l ot but nicole and emily and lizzie etc but i dont want that wish to overshadow the generosity of everyone so far! well im gonna go now just wanted to put down how i appreciate everyones kindness so hugs and kisses to everyone who has bought me a present or wished me happy birthday about 3 days before my birthday!

well i got emailed by one of abi's friends with flirting with me...grr iw antg abi nto one of her mates! i dunno what to think of what is oging on so i am gonna wait till i meet up with abi on saturday to find out. there is a big climax with the party at steph's on saturday 7th everyone is sleeing over at steph's and there are nto only gonna be 2 of my exesw but they have both told me ttheir bringing condoms......the plan is to keep them off the alchohol though coz otherwise things ould become sticky...inmore way than one! (sorry just ahd to be said!) hmm but then the easy option seems to be to go to alys' party which will suck coz chloe will be there....i could quote a manson here very effectivly "F*%k you because i loved you f*%k you for loving you too, i dont need a reason to hate yout he way i do" meh oh well its a good song! i now have loadds of songs which relate to people! but the list ios tedious and would also be pointless. oh well i prooved my physics teacher wrong today by telling him, and pleasse correct me if i'm wrong but he certainly beleived me and i think im right, he said the asccii system is 8 bit and i prooved to him withing reasonable doubt that it is 16-bit so if anyone knows for sure please post a comment to end this feud between teacher and pupil! oh well were just finishing partile physics andd quantum mechanics and it sounds really geeky but its interesting ahh the famous phrases from DK "remember, light always travels in a straight line....except when it doesnt" and "when measuring speed i prefer to use to format furlongs per fortnight" i will miss DK so much! oh well me and mrs K had a baby! aww its so cute! well apart from school, theres not much to say, i was gonna meet alyse and that lot in bournemouth but when me and sam could be bothered to get downa fter it had stoppedr aining they had all gone home so we went round a few pubs and had a good time! has anyone had snakebite? half cider, half beer and this red liquor or somthing anyone know what that red stuff is? please also comment we wanna know but are always too drunk to ask before i would even dare try it! well i guess its time for me to sign off for the day, i will have so much to say hopefully after my birthday which is this sunday! and well i have a shift at tesco on my birthday which sucks but hey what can ya do about it!

Mood: emotional
Listening to: the right side of wrong-bon jovi

well to all u uncultured readers out there the right side of wrong is one of the best bon jovi songs ever! well im seeing everyone as usual tomoro i think which hopefully wont be too bad ill just have plenty of fags now!!!yay paycheck! i woke up this mornign and had a good lye in. anyway i really should get to the point of blogging today since i have a lot to say! this is the album i was always listening to when i was near the end of my time i went out with francesca and during the whole 8 months grieving from that! its a damn good album! my depression before made me see it in one light and now i am seeing it in a new light! well what am i trying to say? well things in life depend on your mood. songs are a good demo of this! especially the song by queen too much love will kill you every time! it has about 10 hidden meanings dependng on ur mood! anyway relating this to life.... now the depression has unsettled itself from my life and i can sleep again and i am happy for the first time in a hell of a long time, my views in life are changing, i have spent a lot of my time hoping things will change and when they dont i do get worried about it! but life is about change and enjoying the flow as the change happens so i think its time i wode the wave of change..a good phrase to put to this is "ride on the coach trip of change, get run over by the coach, or get left behind." life is a choice, enjoy change, let the change kill you or refuse to change. i used to let the change kill me but now things are reaching good levels of what can only be described as yin and yang that i can see clearly again and well.... what can i say? life is getting better! im not even gonna be cynical and say "yeah but for how long" but one thing i have learned is well.... francesca was right when she said "all my friends are just my friends, but you have that boy bit before the friend, and that means a llot" now obviously i will say girlfriend instead of boyfriend! but she has such a good point! i have been just choosing really good friends and ruining our friendships in a hope that one of them will be able to fill the girl, as well as the frindship, it started with emily, my oldest and one of my dearest friends and i thought i had it with the second emily but then once i was on the third emily i guess i had to move to to get to another place to get the girl...didnt work so now i think its time the girl bbit was ignored and i'll just ride it out till someone comes along, so we'll see what happens with abi but im gonna take my time and make sure tis worth threatening our friendship for a test of the girlfriend. this is some wisdon i wish i could pass on to the world like francesca tried to pass on to me, but if i tell everyone they will react the same as me, agree with it but not get the knowledge behind it after a long hard struggle for life and happyness, so its somthing that someone must go on a journey to learn.....this is my story, it'll be a good one

i have decided that after all this running forward and backward some people have a lot to answer for, ive spent all my time recently worrying about someone and i just hope their ok, they did a rather stupid thing but by now i should darn well hope they are back ont rack. well i swapped a sex band with lucy so inow have a pink one! lol last night was good to finally go home, but as expected mum is completely drained and working herself to death to pass with flying colours on the offstead inspection she is doing so i just kept out of the way andd made myself scarce in my room for the night. i'm staying out of the way by boarding at school monday to wednesday. i am so pissed off because i have handed in my physics assignment and DK claims he never got it! i asked help from teachers who can agree i handed it in and alex hibbet took it from me and handed it in to DK for me.

i have decided that after all this running forward and backward some people have a lot to answer for, ive spent all my time recently worrying about someone and i just hope their ok, they did a rather stupid thing but by now i should darn well hope they are back ont rack. well i swapped a sex band with lucy so inow have a pink one! lol last night was good to finally go home, but as expected mum is completely drained and working herself to death to pass with flying colours on the offstead inspection she is doing so i just kept out of the way andd made myself scarce in my room for the night. i'm staying out of the way by boarding at school monday to wednesday. i am so pissed off because i have handed in my physics assignment and DK claims he never got it! i asked help from teachers who can agree i handed it in and alex hibbet took it from me and handed it in to DK for me.

Mood: anger boils deep btu im ignoring it
Listening to: hum of computers in SSR

turns out i am going to buy my iPod today! woot! im gonna have maths for physics now straight after physics grr! well its an overload on science day is our wanderful friday! well i guess times are on the up once again! francesca and hayley have said yes to seeing me soon and so they must have finally forgiven me! were gonna set up Tman with emily battcock which will be interesting! emily is really sweet and were still mates after all that has happened so thats good! well seeing katie dunn will hopefully be an experience! maybe i should arrange to meet up sooner than planned i dunno. well anyway we still cant find a venu for our party and its getting on our nerves! we might just end up going out somwhere stupid like that! well cant wait for summer to come coz im getting out of this poohole and going to wales for a week of two im gonna tour snowdonia and camp out which will be cool since i can get a tranger from school so that is gonna be fun! still leaves me plenty of time to bike down to the beach and meet up with all the talbot ladies and any of the sunday gang if tghey can be bothered! cant wait to swim int he sea again! its gonna be so good! well hopefully sam will bike down with me, but since he has a car i dont think he will bother, its better to bike down though, healthier, cheaper and boy does it give yo a feeling of satisfaction! i guess maybe my little diversion out of the norm has been for the worst and getting back to the norm is priority but i have enjoyed my little diversity and i hope i wont lose contact with all the new people i met but times are changing and despite people opening up to me are still being complete twats and bitches so hmmm i am getting the most mixed signals ever! even worse than loren! well i guess its to be expected really! maybe one day i can leave england and have a few years off. gap year maybe extended a bit. well if i get 2 a-levels of e or above i can take a gap year up to the age of 23! depends how much i wanna do really! or how long i want away i mean only 1 or 2 years at the most really but there iis the opportunity to have mroe time to myself than almost everyone else here! and then if i goes wrong my backup would be an OU degree and maybe work as a teacher or somthing that AV would be proud of! anyway i have a total antipathy towards dan right now but thats all im saying grr after all i did for that boy. well anyway im gonna go to lessons now well not a 1/2 day but i still have time to go into bloannyh for a bit which will be cool!

Listening to: bon jovi- thank you for loving me

well at least i get my iPod tomorow! if i have the cash! right now i cant get alyse out of my head. many reasons for this but i guess mainly i just am having a moment of weakness and i wanna always be there for her through thick and thin! but i guess i blew my chance and i dunno quite what i did wrong i guess it just wasnt working coz of long distance. well i guess i wish that she was still mine but its too late and maybe i should just block out these feelings, hopefully i can bury them deep down. everytime the chorus of this songs comes on it sets me off crying again! i guess i have francesca to thank for so much. if it wwasnt for her iw ould have never met alyse or most of my current mates...infact pretty much all of them if not all of them outside schol! ok so im htinking about francesca now omg im so screwed up! so manyt hings buzzing round my head! god couldnt give me one weeek without damn well pissing me off! but i had a good day today i guess, was so funny so[hie pushed puxie into a bush infront of loads of girls hu finds him cute and sweet and all slagged off sophie! it was so funny! sophie just glared at them and they walked off! well sophie lent me a tenner for my iPod (thank u so much sophie :) well crap tarry has just got a nosebleed and i keepthinking of when dad gets his nosebleeds oh well tarry understands and just has gone to the toilet. at least it will clot soon ey!!? omg i cant stop crying im such a girl. somthing is seriously wrong with me! i feel so shit i miss everyone and everything outside school. maybe i should just give up bryanston and abandon my dreams, i mean what are dreamss without happyness? thir nothing, thats what, nothing. i mess up everything and now im revelling in my own shit. ironic isnt it! well at least i have the weekend to look forward to! probably wont be able to see alyse since i might have to go to dorchester since abi is really down and i wanna cheer her up but i wanna see alyse. my heart is urging me tobe selfish and see alyse but abi is really down and i need to cheer her up. i dunno i guess going to see alyse is not only pure selfish coz chloe will just get on my nerves.

Mood: i feel so fit but knackered and sweaty
Listening to: bon jovi- 2 story town

wow do i feel fit! i am dripping with sweat! my legs are deep red and throbbing like mad! you can see through my shirt i'm so sweaty and i feel great! i have burned off all those calories built up over the holidya in one day! now time to improve my long ddistance and middle distance im also doing shotputt again... well we just piss about and play french bouls so thats not too bad! well i have a confession, i have been harshe on people recently, imay have said a few things i dont mean to say and i have let a few people down. my head is swimming with thoughts and i guess at some stage i need to apologise to chloe, i played the victim when she cheated on me and when we went back out, well i knew we wouldnt last and so i went off with lauren, in a way it kindda gets back at chloe for what she did to me, so should i apologise? 2 rights dont make a wrong surely i know that but why should i when she has no intention of ever changingg her slutty personality? well i guess, me of all people should understand that personalities change so im gonna keep an eye out for any personality change but i am not only going to not hold my breath im nto gonna bother that hard coz i have better things to do than hope people's attitudes improve when they dont even like me! well as soon as i finish blogging i am gonna have a nice longw arm bath and relax my muscles their turning to jelly as i talk i'm gonna get cramp soon! well im gonna go visit francesca at her young enterprise stall this weekend as well as seeing abi and work, im looking forward to seeing abi, it will be the first time we meet up with a mutual interest in each orther with noone in the way of it! i really should meet up with emily ellis sometime too! but she's busy a lot now with work, school and this bf of hers! well i am just happy knowing that she is happy. someone opened up to me today and i dont want to go into details like i usually do because people read my blog who this apsoloutly cant get out to! i usually, as you know will even slag people off who read my blog if that is my mind but i gotta unload my mind somehow and just say that one of my friends is gonna be under a lot of pressure and they know who they are and i wish you all the best of luck dealing with their problems, and hey! if worse comes to worse they can come to africa or peru with me!! gonna see lizzie for the first time since i promised her i wouldnt ask out chloe and then asked out chloe that same night!!! so it will be really good to see her again! i really need this bath before seriosu cramps kick in so will finish later!

ok so maybe sometimes people are rude and people get on your nerves, but does it mean you should block them out of your life? the bryanston aswer is yes, well its interesting really i mean thinking about it, i do it but expect it not to be donee back to me. ah well, times should change, and they will. cant wait for my party now in the undisclosed location on the undisclosed date. it's gonna be so wild it will just be crazy! JT is coming and were gonna set him upp with emily, i was originaly going to set him up with chloe as a peace offering but hey! at least john is gonna go out wit someone i respect. the shameful thing about chloe is that i dont think that she realises that she is not a goth! it's quite sad in a way, she looks up to kat so much and just tries to fit in with whatever she does, the whole point of being goth is surely that you dont worry what other people do or anything but oh well....sheep will be sheep. just gotta wait for a wolf to come along! just had another lovely breakfast at school today was full english and i am bloated! sitting in my dorm has a very homely feel about it. i dont miss home when i'm here because i know deep down me and my parents love each other but we are always arguing and fighting about somthing or other, even if i'mnot involved in the first place mum and dad will drag me and my sistter into it! when mum's ofstead inspection ends i think it will be safe to go home. problem is this weekend, she's gonna be so stressd and so we decided to move the party a few weeks into the future and it's gonna be a joint me and alex venture! well of course with the amount of money alex's parents have they can, and will, supply us with 10 times the alchohol we can drink! it's gonna rock! about 30 people and its about 2 bottles of vodka each plus as much beer and wine as you can shove down your throat, slo theres more than enough! i dont get the obsession with vodka but then i am a tequila man! well i'll drink it anyway since its free. i'll brb to finish blogging but i need a masssive dump....that was a good one! tarry has just come backf rom brushing his teeth. i'm not oging to yet coz i'm out for a fag in a bit! well summer is great now we start prep at 7 25 and it's light outside! reminds me of the good old dayd when it was nick's last summer at bryanston and me, him, elly, sophie and matt ussed to always hang out together. those were the good days! well it was mroe than just the summer but then it slowly fell apart, well i got in there with elly and she drifted away, nick left, but we have loads of D's now and its a new golden age! sometimes i wish nick was still at bryanston but then i realise he's happy where he is and i dont wanna leave bryanston, but at the same time, i want to get into the world, it gonna be a good time for me when i have my gap year! gonna go to africa! well i've got plenty of revision to do so i'll leave you with this thought....

two men look through the same bars, one see's mud, the other sees stars

Mood: lethargic and lazy
Listening to: sam talk about sesame street

last night at bedtime i realised how much i miss everyone! i especially miss the days when we wall would meet up and just chill on the beach or times like Steph's beach party! that was a good party! well i reckon that no matter how low i have felt, this high makes it well worth it. people at school fiind me very different htis term! all the AV D's are complaining that i'm even louder and more sexually open than before! it was so funny making tom go red infront of all these fit girls! well i'm gonna calm it around him just coz otherwise he will get annoyed. i think that matt needs to learn that life is about enjoying yourself, and it's gonna be one hell of a ride. wellj this fridaY i'm going into blandford and i'm gonna buy an iPod! (as u allready have heard!!!) well its gonna be apsoloutly amazing! i woke up in good time this morning as i had the best nights sleep without sleeping pills! i was amazed at how relaxing real sleep is compared to sleeping pills. well i have class civ next so i'm gonna chill out for a bit blogging is just too much effort for me right now!

Mood: tired...counting the minutes to midnight
Listening to: vindicated-dashboard confessionals

well i had a mock exam just now and it was easy! finished just in time with 5 pages written in 45 mins! i am so impressed with myself! and sophie is being really understanding thinking i am still feeling bad but hey she's a really great friend! its gonna be a good few weeks before the exams start and i am determined to make the most of it. sam told me today he is leaving bryanston at the end of as levels and he's going to college. good luck to him i say! i really cant wait till i have my gap yeaar! its my next massive milestone, there are smaller ones before my gappy but thats the big one! i want to go to africa and help to build hospitals and schools out there for 4 moths and then go travelling all of africa and visit all the large cities for 2 months! its basically what my sisters ex bf is doing now! he's finished the bit building the school for children and he is now going on....but he's oding it in peru so he and john, whow ent out just to explore peru are out enjoying themselves! your not living unless your off doing somthing all this hanging round is just pointless i think that the way i'm living life now is great but it can get so much better once i go off traveling. well the plans have really changed over the past day! before it was just survive a-levels and try to piece my life together! now i'm on top of the world and i'm planning to go travelling! well im still off this summer for a while so i hoope all my mates will miss me, i havnt brokent he news to francesca yet but i hope she will understand i have to go off on a spiritual journey. well i think that school life is getting better and i'm enjoying it again so all is good! well i think that people can get on with their lives but no matter what people will always remember what has happened and maybe one day people willturn around and say that what i did was honourbale, when i held my tongue i held it out of honour and not spite. that is how i have been treating chloe, i have been holding my tongue out of some sort of way to let her feel really cool and self assured about herself. i just hope she grows up and grows out of being this annoying cow! sometimes the light at the end of my tunnel...is actually a freight traincoming my way! well chloe certainly is my freight train!!! looking forward to wednesday as athletics start. well im gonna go dorm raid someonee i'm bored will blog tomorow which is in a few misn but heY!!

Mood: bouncy
Listening to: aces high-iron maiden

well i have a free afternoon, i have had hardly any lessons and its good weather....why was i wishing i had more holiday! its so good to see everyone from AV again! i made tom go as red as a beetroot coz he is embarassed about talki9ng baout anything sexual around fit girls so i just talked openly about many different sexual activities and what fetishes me and abi invented....tesco uniform sex! well im feeling bouncy today and i have reduced the number of people coming to my party so its gonna rock! more tequila aftershock for me! well i have found dan the perfect woman and its sucks to everyone else! well me and abi are looking very promising we are gonna meet up a few mroe times and see where the mood takes us! well when my paycheck comes in on friday im off to blandford to buy myself an iPod! i've been thinking and i reckon that ive made a few recent mistakes inmy life and its now time to correct them, well ive decided to hold my tongue against chloe coz i find it quite funny the way she walks around with an im superior to josh face! the irony! well turns out all the bs alyse gave me abuot wanting to be my mate is out the window! she one of the people not coming anymore, shame coz she used to be really sweet and caring! well i guess when you see someones true side and you dont like it you should just drop her. hayley is really excited to see me again and has made me promise to see more of her so everything is good on the talbot heath front. i'm at school until saturday 12 45 so i will have no nights at home where i am tempted to use the house phone to patch up relationships i dont want to keep or false friendships just for the sake of it. i have bugger all credit nwo too but i'll be topped up tomorow by dad! problem is, now im gonna go out with abi i got to turn lauren down, after promising her i didnt have a gf! i was telling the truth but this isnt going to go down well but it has to be done and i am not gonna let it drag me down! i'm enjoying school and i cant believe i was excited to get away to patch up me and alyse! well all the good luck i got wished at the end of term went out the window! lol well i have an amazing venue for my party now and it is gonna rock! well i think people will love it! plenty of booze and women and guys for the ladies! the first day of schol is drawiing to a close. its about 7 oclock and school ends at 9pm so 3 hours left and its gone really quickly as the summer term always does just chilling on beechwood lawn playing frisbee or doing more or less whatever i want! this is truly living it up! free food loads of mates and plenty of places to smoke and drink! well lifes good and i'm loving every minute of it, hopefully i will board all this term and just have the weekends to myself to meet up with hayley, francesca and al the Th ladies! seems i am quickly getting back into their good books since ive been gone! well everyone cant wait to see me on the day of the party and hayley has promised to comee so it will be so much fun! i think that no matter what happens i have reached another enlightening point in my life and i feel so great the whole weight of the world is as bearable on my shoulders as a feather and i'm smiling! well i'm gonna go have a fag or two will blog later this evening!

Mood: on a high!
Listening to: rolling stones - under my thumb

last night was amazing, me and dan went to mr smiths to meet some people down there and we were the people in the corner for the first band until this german band came on and they just really did it for us and we joined the biggest mosh pit i have ever seen! about 50 people at the start! it was totally crazy! anway slowly of course people got knocked out of the pit and it was left with me,dan, ben (guy we met) and this other guy hu was a total legend but i cant remember his name but he is quite muscly and he wore a wife beater. discovered officially the best drink ever as well...tequila aftershock! its black tequila that really hits you hard and when i mean hard! you know i mean hard! after last night i'm still on a high and it was totally craxy by the end of the night we'd gonbe from those n00bs to being josh and dan the craxy rockers and we made so many mates just like us! it totally rocked! got a few pictures of me and this really fit lead singer in the final band, she wore a really sexy tartan skirt and a v nice top! i also got loads of them performing and one of me and the lead guitarist fromt he last band too! the first band who played was called sion (www.siononline.com) they rock! i got a free cd from them, their currently on tour and i cant wait for them to come back to bournemouth! well im looking forward to school now and i think it will be good for me! cant wait to see tarry again and all the people in AV! well i guess im gonna go now but i've completly lost all my depression and its amazing! so i cant wait to see ben and his mates again tomorow coz i invited him along to the usual thing every sunday at 12 by the flame so its gonna rock! i also met loads of fit girls and got a few number and msn or email addresses but i dont wanna go out witha nyone except this one girl with red pigtails!! core was she fit! but she's a bit of a lass so i have no chance! well anyway back to revising *cough cough* net surfing

well im back to school in a week and on will come my as exams, im looking forward to seeing all my school friends especially matt, bugg, tarry and of course sophie! i just hope puxie has finally had a bath! he stank at the end of last term and his hair was so greasy he didnt need gel....not so nice! well tom taylor is leaving after next term and i cant wait! i dunno why i rejoined his forum but oh well forgotten the address allready! i think my birthday party (may 1st, i have an extensive wishlist on amazon under stebbo1988@gmail.com) been chatting with charly recently and its good to keep in contact with old friends, the other charlie and sophia are now pressing to meet up again but i cant be arsed to go through courting with her again so i'll probably go anyway just to affirm our friendship but thats about all i got planned, i need a venue for my party, a few people are pushing for me to cancel this oint party idea and have myown but i dunno depends what most people want to do..of course i could have two parties i dunno it would be cool if lue, dick and that lot could come coz dick is so damn funny! i guess andy should be allowed to come but i doubt he will want to celebrate my birth!! he'd celebrate my death willingly though! lol things are seemingly different than the start of the holiday i never thought i would think the way i do about the groups of friends it seem skinda backwards, i cant say out with the oldin with the knew coz thats ust not how i feel! i thought summer would be nothing but meeting up with the people on sunday and it still may be that but i dunno. i am still worried about francesca coz somtrhing s till up, but being a woman she wont tell me so im gonna make a special effort to be really nice to her, she's never lashed out at me like she did on the phone, she apologised later of ocurse! but it was a bit worrying for me to see her like that! i think maybe as time for summer comes she'll cheer u p! the summer always cheers me up when i can chill with her, problem is sam is gonna want to go ice skating all the time and i just dont have the cash to go! i wanna just chil out like i do now! problem is sam is a spending kinda guy and with his parents supporting him finacially good for him! i guess maybe its true me and francesca do have this unbreakable bond of friendshi, i mean heaven knows i've tried straying awya from her, not wanting to fall back in love with her but it jsut seems weird. we always come back to each other i mean she went off with luke and andy and that lot from shapwick and now were kinda reforming if you knwo what i mean! well it will be good to see her at my part at least! hopefully lizzie and emil will come coz i havnt seem them for ages! i saw lizzie at christmas but i havnt seen emily for ages! same with katie dunn, omg theres so many people i ahvtn seen in ages, i might be seeing steph steadmen for ages but she might be coming this sundya and she's bringing kim! kim is the closest thing rto cornflake i knew before i met cornflake! she's so crazy apparantly she got a bf now so good for her! i think the possibilities in your life are always there but you gotta grab them, i mean i phased certain people ot of my life, luke and dan and our blandford crew for instance, i abandoned them at the end of year 8 but now were back together and even better friends than before! its weird but i guess thats the way it is! we met by coincidence at a su's party! it was so crazy! well i was considering not going coz hayley T ws there and i had had a fat arguament about her and her bf who was cheating on her but she owuldnt believe me! well anyway its all over now and we will be social to each other but meh! i'm confessing a rather unbecoming thing here but i think i still live in the past, i decided to try to shut out my past by exclusivly meeting up with everyone on my one free day, sunday and the sunda gang well, we had good times but i think its time i didnt suddenly ignore them anything but meet up with some old friends i havnt seen in ages so if people dont want toi meet up with the sunday gang i am gonna for a bnit just meet up with the TH gang for a bit because their are about 30 maybe 40 faces i miss so much and i just dont wanna shut them out of my life! well that enough for now i think i'm gonna go revise for as levels (grrrr)

my 7th attempt to quit smoking .led to the next day me going through 3 packs.....
well apart from that massive atrocity, my life is running along, not smoothly but i'm getting through i finished my 2 day revision course and it wasnt that bad. learnt stuff so thats good! well one this is bothering me though, talking ot my sister it turns out people close to me are taking me for a ride. i cant be arsed to write any more now but it has to be said i am unappreciated until i sya nah sorry, then people instantly turn on the "oh but you must come coz ur our friend" bullshit well im off now will blog tomorow

Listening to: iron maiden-can i play with madness

im still ill and it still hurts to stand up but its ok when i go out, its good now coz i got another 500 pack of pellets so im back to shooting the hell out of any small animal that pisses me off. i was so worried about francesca coz after she met up with us last she went off for 3 hours without telling n e 1 and i was the last person to see her...i was shitting myself her dad was not happy with me until francesca finally turnedup at home....it seems like their is trouble in paradise if francesca needs 3 hours to clear her head!!! well revision is well underway and im starting to think that no matter what there is somthing that will never change.... well anyway hayley comes back friday and im gonna see her on saturday which will be cool, i got asked by mel, i think it was mel if i loved francesca....what a tricky question! i love ehr so much as a friend is the truth and the reply i gave her, just her turning up to see me when im with a group of people she's not too sure about coz their quite loud and she still turned up to see me! quite touching really well we just sat down and chatted. she showed me the iPod mini that alex bought her when he was tryna get her to go out with him....well tesco have made amends to the error in their ways and have given me over £100 payw hich they owe me .... no compensation but hey what can i do about it!! im off now mum needs help as all the family is ill and once again im holding the family together nurshing all of them!!!!! got more to say i will say it all tomorow hopefully

me and sam had an amazing night out just us two..... he was my designated driver (thanks dude!!) and well i puked in his car on the way home coz he was taking the corners way too fast considering i was hammered!! well it was karaoke night at the brasshouse and we went in, had a few pints and sam said if i did a song he would gimme £10, which he still owes me! anyway there was this really fit girl doing a song and i chatted her up! after we said goodbye we started flirting with these 2 gals, they turned out to be escorts and they gave us their cards!! oops oh well they bought us a pint! then we met these 2 guys hu also bought us a pint! they were total legends, about 45 ish both of them! they said if this girls name wasnt jenny they would buy me a pint and if it was amy (which i lied and said it was!!0 they would buy me a pint! so i went up to her found out her name was jenny and said in exchange for a little kiss or two would she come over and pretend to be called amy! she said yeah and we flirted for a bit before i moved onto her best mate, well after a bit i met this group of 5 gals hu the 2 guys we met fancied the 2 older onesd and we flirted but no luclk they were lesbians (wasnt a line they sshowed us pics of them in lesbian action on their phone!!) well i got a few pics on my cam fone but i was too drunk to take many!!!! it certainly got my mind off alyse but now i still miss her again, its just gonna take time, i just consider myself lucky were still friends! she is a really good hearted person, few people in the world have that quality and i am lucky enough to know 3 people who have an amazing heart.....francesca, sophie and now alyse!!!