diary of a lost soul

Mar 31, 2005 at 19:37 o\clock

well im single but it ended on good terms, well godd term ish

by: stebbo

Mood: my throat hurts
Listening to: sabbath bloody sabbath-black sabbath

well i obviously am not happy i lost alyse but i had my time to think it through an it wasnt really working. shame coz i did like her but hey they cant all work! the plan now? i honestly dont know. great that at the same time i get the worst throath infection ever! a 6 hours shift on the tills at tesco was hell. dont really have many thought sright now will blog when i have some more to say

Mar 26, 2005 at 14:11 o\clock

even worse!

by: stebbo

well now it seems that, and im not sure but it seems alyse wants to just drop it and end it, i dont want that at all but i think i may have given the impression i did. ,maybe someday when i'm 50 i will look back on this and think how pointless all this si or some other wise ideas. if i was at school i could bury myself in work or somthing but because i am at home therre is nothing but me and my mind, i hate the holidays when im depressed. i swear a good holiday is what i need. with dad's medical problems though he and mum can never go anywhere so if i were to go off i would have to fund it myself which of ocurse i cant with my ciggarette habit which of course i cant quit coz ill get cranky and if i get cranky from being on cold turkey imagine how much worse it could get! its a viscious circle i cant end.....well im gonna go now coz im gonna go for a run so i hopefully expend all my energy and i can sleep for the rest of the day, maybe ill shoot some targets or printout another picture of a certain someone for target practice.

Mar 25, 2005 at 22:02 o\clock

i really feel like

by: stebbo

wel to finish the half sentence in the title i really feel like just giving up, breaking down and crying alyse may not even like me anymor and its all just gone to pieces, well sod it its down the drain now why dont i just drink myself into a total stupr, i will have the money since once again anoter friendship group is begginging, and ok its not a lot now, but its starting to have anopther friendship group demand i give up smoking....its awful im gonna go offlione talk to hayleynow i need a friendly ear to talk to! well im off i will blog when i have more words, when my sould is full of words or rage or depression right now its just empty

Mar 23, 2005 at 13:06 o\clock

last day

by: stebbo

its the last day of term and it seems all minds are concentrating on going home. people are allready leaving if they llive far away for abroad. finally nai wei (weird german guy) has left us for good, shame i never paid him for the tequila....meh got about a bottle elft, just under a bottle well there £50 he wont see again! i swear im turning back into my drink to deal with my problems phase! not seriously or anything but im always drinking now and it cant be good for me constantly being drunk etc. gonna save the rest for a party or somthing. the plan is now to work at mums school on thursday and then go into bournemotuh to finally see everyone after almost 3 weeks on friday, then the plan is to justt ry to relax and enjoy life as much as i can. i dont really have much to say coz im dead inside and im just in that end of term mood so i allready have a block on what to say. i guess im excited to go home but only to leave school, once im home i wont feel any different and will just generally mope around revising, well AS levels when i get back to school in four weeks. i guess then we'll see what is going on! i'll try to blog during the holidays to keep you updated peace out

Mar 22, 2005 at 14:21 o\clock

another boot up the ass

by: stebbo

Mood: insult me and i will really break down and cry....i'm that low
Listening to: evil woman-black sabbath

well life seems to hate me right now! i almost lost my phsycis corusework which so far has been 4 weeks non stop work! apart from that i think everything is mildly rubbish. alyse is revising all the time for GCSEs so she cant meet up and were still on a break coz she's stressed which in turn gets me stressed even more and so i lashed out at my parents this weekend and now mum and dad have been set off....once again every morning its a case of waking up to the pleasant shouts of mum and dad blaming each other for the most petty things like why the goats werent fed etc. well over time there is somthing i have realised. everythign that is good, not only does it not last but it turns everything sour when it fails, i just feel abandoned by everyone and everything. now all i have to look forward to is the summer holiday when only me and my sister are going on a holiday together to snowdonia for a big biking frenzy. were gonna bike the whole of snowdonia. plan is to break a leg or somthing equallt dangerous so i can die wherre noone will ever find me! germany has been pushed out the window, i cant chase the past, chasing the past has killed my soul. which kinda makes this blog worthless since its about a lsot soul, not a dead soul but oh well! sophie was being really helpful, till she left school early and now i am just stuck here suspended like a marshmallow in hot chocolate...dunno where that analogy came from but its a pretty cool one! still at school but dunno for how much longer, if i dont get my a-levels my life is ruined, i wont be able to join the airforce, i wont be able to get sponsored through uni and i'll be stuck in a dead end job for the rest of my life. dad is massivly depressed as well about my school work because ever since i came to him, dads life has been staying at bryanston to give me a good education and now i have failed him massivly. well as always hannah is the successful one and i am the failure! well i hope i can find happyness in failure coz otherwise im screwed. the plan is now to just try to pick myself up, unfortunatley im temporarily paralised emottionally. everything has crumbled away or been smashed away and im left with a massive pile of rubble im gonna have to rebuild. ive got lauren breathing down my neck, i keep turning her down every time she even asks to meet up now coz i know she's just gonna jump down my throat. also even though i leave school tomorow for 4 weeks its gonna be a rubbish holiday coz all of my mates will spend all their tijme revising for GCSEs or A-levels leaving me with nothing to do but spend my entire time revising. guess its the future way of life for me, ill turn into a workaholic and will die an unhappy old man with loads of money and noone to hand it down to. i guess its fair to say ive given up on everything, theres still strong ties ehre and there but what are strong ties if their not holding anything together? their a waste of strong ties thats what they are! the good old fashioned school of lover boys is now not dying due to people thinking its better to be players, its crahsing because the people who stuck to the good old ways and the laws are slowly, either turning their back on the school and the laws or are jsut losing interest in everything as the world changes, if only i was born a century ago my life would be perfect and i would be an upstanding memebr of society, in this world im nothing. nothing at all. i guess its time for me to go flush my head down a toilet or somthing equally interesting but all i have in this world is a few very close mates and the prospect of getting back together with alyse which seems to be getting smaller by the day im afraid. i cant help but feel she's trying to distance herself from me but its probably not true which annoys me, im so depressed i am paranoid about everything. even the petty things like are those people on the other side of the room talking about me. i guess my life is slowly turning to insanity, in 5 years ill be one of those people on the streets of bournemouth selling the big issue and whenever a copy is sold, they give you advice on random things like what to do when yours toned, thing is the money from the big issues i buy from them probably goes to heroin anyway. well if its a heroin addicted life i am destined to lead then let it be so, ive lost controll and for the moment its up to destiny and the wheel of fate to get be back on track or ruin me, ive always believed in destiny andd i always thought that no matter how bad it gets its for a reason, i just dont know why it has been written that i would have os much misery in life. we'll just have to see what life has in store for me. after my second suicide attempt i just believed in fate and the fact that all the times i had survived by someone finding me or i hadnt taken enough or whatever the reason was maybe fate has decided i am going to die an old miserable man no matter what i try.

Mar 19, 2005 at 15:05 o\clock

well....

by: stebbo

Mood: anger boils so deep im gonna explode....
Listening to: holier than thou - metallicva

i have a new revelation in this very cruel weeek of my life, the school has decided they are going to do the best they can to make me quit my job, i have one ace up my sleeve, problem is i have to play it straight away and it can backfire, if it backfires or i dont play it i will be expelled from bryanston. currently best case scenario is my ace in the hole is right (i dont even know if it is) and the school will have to grudgingly admitt defeat. basically they said my first commitment to life is school, then my job comes second, i say NO!! i say they are both contracts i have signed and sso they are both of equal importance and i will demand under the data protection act of 1998 to see a copy of the contract signed on my behalf when i came to this school by my dad, if it says anything about whether or not the school has any right to violate another contract or can enforcew me not completingmy contract with tesco, then, if they can, i guess i will be expelled and they will have me fired from tesco out of spite first. if i am successful life at school will be rubbish and they will try and make it as bad for me as possible out of spite since the school is that petty, but then hopefully i can do the same kind of thing but with the human rights act of somthing or other i will research that further when the time comes. im so angry i actually almost punched my tutor and a few of my teachers today, when my tutor just shouted SHUTUP i could have got off my chair and punched him right there and then, i settle with slamming the door on the way out andi am going to be bitter to him for as long as i cna, petty but its the only weapon i have against him, i could not turn up to my tutorials but then he can punish me so i will just have to be cold hearted and not caring but not to the extent that he can fire me, i gotta go as far up his asss as i can without being done for rape...is a good comparison!!!! well all i will have to do is to wait for him to flip and ic an have him fired and bryanston will be a better place for everyone coz whenever assked who my tutor is, the response when i say mr boulton is "oh dear back luck, hard luck mate" or "ouch" he's a grumpy asshole andd i hope he finds this and reads it, im not gonna have him smother my voice anymore. i will get him fired if i am not expelled or anything. thing is, he can say he was provoked but, if the school follow what they did when i was provoked into losing it, he will be in deep trouble, but then the school is very hippocritical and i have no faith in the system at all so meh will just have to try my hardest. well i better get back to coursework now. im gonna see mr boulton on wednesday and i am gonna let all hell lose...........more on that story when it happens! (hey look im a live news channel now!!) also i am now not allowed out on sunday now, again, well ive been really down about not being able to see my friends coz they mean sso much to mee and another week, the school will have hell to pay, but i am gonna get easter holiday wednesday next week so cant wait 3 days of school left this term, the school can then shove it where the sun dont shine for 4 week!

Mar 19, 2005 at 09:49 o\clock

oops!

by: stebbo

I was feelling so ill yesterday that i didnt blog and finished half way through a sentence!! im at school on saturday as usual, in detention this evening, trying to get out of it but its not looking good, an assignment is 1 day late and i get detention WHAT ABOUT ALL THE ASIGNMENTS THAT HAVE BEEN WEEKS LATE YOU BIATCH!! im not being misogynistic but women make good first school and middle school teachers, after that they are incompetent, i mean all the women teachers at our school are hopelessly incompetent and are a total pushover. oh well boarding school sucks d!ck. well, i just plugged mylaptop into my computer screen so i'm typing on the laptop and it is appearing on my PC screen! the laptop is a mac and so it is quite eery!!! lol im bored aremnt i! well alyse is, welll i dunno really we had a massive email session of making up and talking and it was good and now she will return one email once a day! i dunno maybe she's busy but its so weird!! just not being able to tell her all the t hinggs i wanna tell her is a bummer, but she's gotta sort herself out and i'm happy that she is. turned out i was completely wrong about nick and her having a thing! i just am really insecure about it coz i'm sitting here waiting for her to come back and she could be off having all sorts of fun. another thing which crossed my mind is its her way of letting me go, only thing is if it was (which i highly doubt) but if it was it kinda backfired coz im sitting around waiting for her. well i have work to do so im gonna be going now!Q!

Mar 18, 2005 at 20:01 o\clock

well....

by: stebbo

i talked to nick and i calmed down, problem is i know how much paracetomol i have taken and i have a headache! just gonna have to ride it out, im confused sureely being pumped up would mean i cant get a headache. meh i dunno spent my entire free afternoon catching up with work, im in detention this weekend which sucks coz i cant see any of my friends saturday night, best case scenario is do the detention on thursday saying i cant get away from work

Mar 17, 2005 at 11:48 o\clock

well....

by: stebbo

Mood: i shot myself and i feel better because of it
Listening to: master of puppets-metallica

shot myself in the foot with an air pistol last night....maybe i'll be off games for the rest of the term now! dunno y i did it i just did.... well its official i am now at rock bottom, i tried to explain my situation to alyse and say, look i can still get on with my life why cant you get through with far less stress than i have, she did the whole "my life is more stressful" thing so i told her all about my life, well i say all its wasnt all, i told her all the hard impacting thijngs, i didnt go into other major things which also hurt me everyday and depress me everyday. before i lived to see her at the weekend and now i live, well i gott figure out a enw reason. i have developed a method of anti depressant pills without subscription, you see when you take a large dose of paracetomol, the body detects it and floods your body with endorphine, these endorphines make youf eel better, problem is if you take too much, obviously you die basically you have to balance it so that your body runs close to death but happy, not a veyr clever thing to do but hey, the other option is to erun really hard and fast and for a long period of time to get the same endorphine rush and i am just not motivated to do that. a great man once said that "depression is anger without motivation" its true, when i get motivated i wont be depressed i will be angry, probably primarily with myself but oh well what can i do about that. i am always an asshole and i always fcuk it up. well i guess theres one thing to learn from this, when you meet a new group of people, never ever abandon your old group of friends like i did, now i have nothign at all its all over and im just gonna more around depressed for a few months and then get my life back on track, difference is, after francesca i had the luxury of seeing her everyday for the time straight after our breakup, good or bad? both but overall superposing good and bad i am left with good. superpose good and bad with what happened with alyse? well i hope it will be good but i will have to wait and see. i, rather bad timing i must say!! got a text from alyse last night, i read it and just after lauren texted me asking to meet up, i told her sorry im too depressed about alyse, dont think she took that too well. i cant even try to fight for alyse coz i did one of the worst things ever, i asked her somthing that was playing on my mind for ages, are you thinking of going off with nick? well that just makes me, as alyse put it, and i guess i have to agree with her, it makes me scum. i deserve it though so i cant complain well im gonna go get some coffee now. after i tell you an interesting thing to do! during lessons take double ddose sleeeping pills and you pass out in the lesson! works a treat! anyway i think thats gonna be my skieving tactic from now on until they do a blood test and see high doses of paracetomol pills and sleeping pills in my body! then i'll be carted off to an asylum. meh im overdue for a visit.

Mar 16, 2005 at 21:46 o\clock

quote froma n email from alyse

by: stebbo

fine den b da petty! i onli sent it 2 chloe cos she loves laffin @ u!

Mar 16, 2005 at 21:44 o\clock

tragedy strikes

by: stebbo

Mood: time for me to die

well ok great news everybody, i open my heart to alyse and she fwds it to her friends, including me..saying he he look at josh etc kinda stuff and alls he had to say was oops busted! such a crushing blow, does this show that i am, and always will be a good judge of character? well look at me i am now oficially the stupidest person alive. what do i have now? i annoyed my other group of friends to try and be able to keep me and alyse going, i abandoned them and now their all i have and they know i abandoned them, i tried to keep in contact with a few but the few i did try and keep in contact with cant be bothered. thats it, i used to live for my social life at the weekends, and now that has been taken from me too! well it looks like my blog is going to become an intersting read about depression hatred and suffering once again. the one person i felt i could trust turns round and laughs at me behind my back im so depressed its unbelievable, should i try and work it out? should i give in? should i just oh i dunno even what i can do, the good thing is now i cant be killed, since you cant kill a man when he's got no hope since he is allready dead where it matters. im too depressed to write anymore im gonna go drown myself in a toilet or somthing equally amusing so alyse can have another laugh at me

Mar 16, 2005 at 18:10 o\clock

its all so complicated....

by: stebbo

well i know alyse isnt one to open up to me, but to go on a break with me without giving me anything to go by is well, perplexing. i never knew a girl could get me so head over heels sinc francesca, i thought that was it but alyse, somthing is special there she's got this spark in her eye, somthing special its like when im not with her im dead. but anyway i go off on a tangent!! now that alyse has gone its like a part of me has died.... of course the idea that it might be about our arguament has crossed my mind but then on thinking about it i realise Alyse isnt like that...she's too, well what word can i use...i dunno basically she's not a cheating scum! to quote monthy python though "always look on the bright of death, just before you draw your terminal breath" i miss her and its just weird i mean i live for the weekends but last weekend i was called in to do emily's shift at tesco coz she was in hospital really ill, she's now out of hospital and still ill but hannahs going to see her today (my sister) so hopefully she's smiling! well she'ss off the oxygen mask now so thats a good sign! well next weekend alyse come coz she's seeing her auntie or some other relative. its gonna be another week and a 1/2 till i see her, hopefully we will have sorted it out since then i dunno i just think she's not so keen on me and her anymore, i mean she turned me down when i asked on valentines day, maybe she's out of my league, wouldnt be surprised. well not to get too bogged down in worry but the medical centre at school wants me to see a doctor about my constant headaches say i could have a long lasting illness and might need blood tests etc! meh if i die i die what would be more of a blow to me would be if i had a chronic illness than a lifelong illness so i guess we'll have to wait and see *crosses fingers*

Mar 15, 2005 at 10:46 o\clock

class civ sucks!

by: stebbo

i am studying greek literature..most of it is dead boring!! i am with sam and if i get busted i hope im not in sh!t!!! i missed seeing alyse this weekend which is a total bummer and next weekend she is off seeingg her gran so when we see each other its gonna be so great!!! got completely hammered l;ast night which was embarassing as hell! i cant remember much but ive been hearing rumours from people i annoyed by dancing like an elf! i have news i am gonna tell chloe that we might have found her next bf.....tarry needs a practice gf for percy (lucy percival) meh he asked if i knew someone who will go out with him, i said sophia and chloe, thing is sophia is a game player, that was the problem, she can play so well its ahrd to play back, somthing tarry could never do!! chloe however, plays her little games but cant really play, perfect practice material for tarry to practice. well i gotta make notes in my book ill update later today i have more to say...also sam is looking at what im writing!!

Mar 11, 2005 at 20:56 o\clock

i beg you!

by: stebbo

Mood: please i beg u!

http://www.freeipoduk.co.uk/index.php?REFID=52647  all you have to do is sign up and complete one offer, the best one to do is the ebay one all you have to do is create an ebay account and make an offer on somthing, you dont even have to buy it and you will count to my ipod please i beg you i oculd never afford one and i would kill for one i beg you please!

Mar 11, 2005 at 18:22 o\clock

other pictures!!

by: stebbo

Cocktail
Cocktail

?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla Poseidon
Poseidon

?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla holding hands
hand holding - you like to be in constant physical
contact with your special someone but you don't
want to take things too quickly.

What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla If an Electric Dragon flies by your house, all the electic appliences over surge and your TV flickers...
Your an electric Dragon! Well, Well, Well, Speedy!
Electic dragons are just do darn quick, which
means you must be quick at something. Whether
its running, swimming, or answering questions,
you are super speed. But of course, you have a
craze for video games or computers. You can
play amazingly at any game or at least try to.
Go you!

What elemental dragon are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Mar 11, 2005 at 18:12 o\clock

my death colour....

by: stebbo

HASH(0x8c68430)
BLUE

??Which colour of Death is yours??
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Mar 11, 2005 at 13:11 o\clock

Alyse!!

by: stebbo

well i dont know what is going on with her right now! is she trying to wind me up? punish me for not trusting her? does she even know what she is doing to me? either way i an torn apart emotionally. i tell her what she means to me and she just turns round and says i dont mean what i say! she says that i dont mean it and i'm a man and all men are scums, she probably has her reasons, but she wont open up to me! does this mean she has been really badly hurt and scared to open up? or is she not committed? i dunno well maybe things are not what i thought! maybe she is, somehow punishing me for somthing i did to chloe, is she a Medea like person or does she have a heart? i am convinced she has a heart she is full of life so i know that she will never do me wrong, i think. so why is she acting the way she is??! its almost like she is going to turn me out. i dunno maybe she i dont even know what to write! usually my mind is full of thoughts rushing around so fast i dont know where to start! ahhh well! i dunno its jsut empty for once! im gonna go home tonight and bring in my fat bottle of tequila and drink it all, wander how long it wlll be till m on the floor and passed out, lets do the test! results when i am of a fit state to blog again!!!!!

Mar 10, 2005 at 13:15 o\clock

greeeeen

by: stebbo

You are Green
What color are you? (Anime Pictures)

brought to you by Quizilla

Mar 9, 2005 at 16:06 o\clock

grrr

by: stebbo

Mood: permission to scream so loud the world crumbles....
Listening to: spare me the details-offspring

i dunno why but i suddenly have felt a wave of hatred towards people! i just feel like if i didnt have my gentleman laws would have kicked some lady butt. the thing is i got a text from this girl who knows i got a gf and wanted me to cheat on her....after about 20 mins emailing her saying no...noooo...NO B!TCH NO she kinda hates me...wot a cow i have a gf! the old me would have lept up at the chance also another girl that annoys me i wanna wuote the offspring-
i feel so dumb thinking i could trust her till someone else f*&^%d her and then i walked away,
i really dont wanna hear about her feet all up in the air
well now once again new people are finding out about chloe at skool, i blame sam but i dunno so i wont say but they want to know the story from me and all i tell them is wot happened...hnmm at least i dont come out as the bad guy this time! anyway going back to this girl hu wants me to cheat on my gf i wanna tell her but if i tell her will se trust me? i mean i hardly see this other girl but i hardly see alyse either i have no intention at all but should i tell her? what she doesnt know surely cant hurt her? i mean well its harsh and unfair isnt it? i surely should tell her out of honesty but should i? it tears me in two and i dontknow why all i know is theres some kind of guilt that i cant explain and i dunno why! i guess traces of what i used to be where i almost always had somthing to feel about i dont damn well know. and now look at me im at the point of crying about apsoloutly! why do i have to be so damn well emotional? well anyway sam is gonna be suspended from skool for 11 days fopr getting another 14 year old drunk! yeah surprised he hasnt been handed to the police! he has a slightly pedo nature going for younger girls! ah well dont say im a hippocrit coz there is a 1.5 year cusion! he just doesnt have anym oralss and crossses that line all the time! oh well time to sign off coz otherwise im gonna break down and not be able to concentrate i have too many emotions and i hate it! but what can i do?well nothing i guess i cant tell alyse but i have to but do i have to etc grrrr i love her and i'd never cheat on her or try to hurt her but then why do i feel guilty? also a more pondering question....when i am onmy gapyear and have loads of free time when im not working andi have a car would she still be with me? i hope so to god please please if oyu exist etc etc yadda yadda but she is the sweetest girl ever and i dont wanna even think of what will happen if i lose her i know mel told me to to get too attached but i cant help it i think im slowly really falling head over heels over her she's got that attitude that life is sweet and it sure did keep me going when all that stuff happened with chloe and now im over the whole chloe lark i actually cant believe i weent out with her!! well i dunno i needed to proove that i had changed i guess i just chose the first girl that came to provve it as soon as possible and it worked im not hated by all the girls at talbot heath!!! even the ones i cheated on! so its all good! well tom G still wants me dead but apart from that its all good! its good to see them smiling around me again! well the test is when i see them at the nesxt big party my social life actually dictates i can go to! ah well the time will come!
and im now officially missing alyse well im gonna go think about alyse in private now!

Mar 9, 2005 at 10:03 o\clock

francesca....

by: stebbo

ok i am having francesca and hayley over for a sorry for missing the party happy birthday celebration after work on saturday, the plan was to see my gf and a few of our mates but they dont know if their coming anymore! i am going to see them on sunday so its all good. im listening to the chris moyles show and they got allad in somwhere raising money for comic relief by going ona mega phone "BING BONG hello this is allad from the chris moyles show and i need your money or ill sing walking in the air like this *very bad rendition of walkingin the air BING BONG* its so ufnny tohear a guy in the radio shouting bign bong through a megaphone to raise money!! im sitting on my dorm bed missing alyse i always just wanna hold her and have a few moment just just sit there with her and be in her romantic company! but no luck! not till the summer i fear! as ill be revising all easter if im unlucky! im bored ah well work time now i guess!