diary of a lost soul

Mood: if god exists he will make alyse come to my house this weekend

well i am almost up to date on coursework just 1 day behind now! am having a film fest at my house as a belated birthday chance to see francesca, it is ognna be francesca, hayleym, probably sam and alsye! hmm well 1,2,3,4,5 seats me 1 sam 2 francesca3 hayley4 alyse5 alyse friend 6 so one of us wil be on the floor...hmm i vote sam! lol well it will be so good if alyse can come coz i really really just love spending time with her! still havnt really gone anywhere bt her company is just so well fulfilling, just spending time livens up my day! she's so sweet its amazing! ah well ch loe is now officially not talking 2 me and i reely dont care i completely blanked her out at bournemouth this weekend! she did the same to me so its all good! we had quite a lot of fun once chloe had left, i dunno its stil fun when c hloe is there its just she had 2 leave shame were not talking but oh well her fault not mine! hugo wadsworhth is a tosser! dunno y ui htort iw ould say that but he is! well will sign off now am gonna surf the net!

Mood: excited to see alyse
Listening to: dead silence of the detention hall.... (again!)

well what can i say aboutg her? she could just about be the best thing to happen to me in a long time! she maeks me smile! all i need is more people like her and well, the world would never be a depressing place for anyone, she has a heart of gold and she is someone i could tell all about myself to. inclusing things almost no1 knows about!
hmm well chloe is just well....chloe
i felt sorry about how things turned oout between me and chloe so i, out of honour offered chloe a friendship....i got a maybewhich i think is a her throwing it in my face thing!!
ahh well! i amin detention when i should be going to francesca's birthday party but i always get the impression imnot welcome, a few people likef rancesca really want to see me but generally its i case of if he comeshe comes but i would prefer it if he didnt kinda thing....never really bothers me though. its a shame i dont really see much of francesca anymore but we do see each other now and then and i have my memories! the mian one being the summer when we went out and we met up for the first time as bf/gf and e didnt do ne fink sexual at all! it was like we were the best mates in the world and that is how i will always remember her!
i am seeing layse this weekend and i think it might be slightly weird with chloe being ter and everything! well ill try to be nice 2 her but she will prob just ignore me so i guess ill give up on talking to her once again! its a shame she really despised me coz im willing to be mates, even just for the sake of peace but would like 2 be mates with her but guess i cnat have everything! now im over chloe i realised how much of, well not a mistake but it did turn out the way i planned just in an unexpected way, i was determined to convince people i have left my past in the past and with her cheating on me like she did i do look like that! just now need 2 reinforce it by proving it to even the sceptics! well im signing off for the nhight and i am gonna do some work!

Mood: is my lungs full of water? coz im finding it harder to breath
Listening to: chemical brothers-galvanised

well first i want to say somthing in al bhed vilgehk ramm e lyhd pameaja fryd ec kuehk uh e sayh fro dra vilg ec ajanouha cruidehk yht rydehk sa vun drehgehk lrmua ec y fruna....cra ryc caq fedr yhivy kio.....frah fa fana kuehk uid cinamo dryd sygac ran y cmid!
well what can i say? people hate me, only francesca has been reoteley interested in what is really going on....she even realised how much i neee 2 get away and was willing 2 lend me money but since i cant go away til the summer anyway and i will have money of my own then i turned her down! glad i got a friend like her! no1 else dares even make a friendly gesture.......and this blog is always and io repeat always my honest thoughts....
well people wont make a gesture coz they havnt realised that the blind policy of standing up for oyur mates no matter what is flawed. i wanna just run out on everyone and leave everything behind, i hear that Alyse thinks we will last 2 weeks and thats it! well it seems everyone is not looking for anything long term anymore! wheres the fun in a relationship if u cant even get to an anniversary! love is dead and us gentleman romantics are dying with it! ok i had a bad 6 month period starting with emily Battcock granted, but surely i have paid enough for what i have done? why does the onlslaught continue!? my father is out of recession with no method of treatment remaining except back toi the good old hevay dosage of steroids which is slowly eating away at him, he's now back to his fully arguamentative self, thank u very much steroids!
on the plus side i may never have to deal with this again i need to get a new group of friends as it seems evry1 from talbot heath except francesca may not dislike me, but feels they are too superior for me and all the group i currently hang round with (havnt classsified them with a group name yet!) are slowly gonna just well, do the same as the TH group. oh well times come to leave the country (and push the button!!)
on a happier note i am almost no longer 5 weeks behind in coursework and my life now has a plan and a structure to it....im gonna become an ATCO (air traffic controll officer) and if i get into a superviser position ther i am looking at £100k+ pa, base pay is £20k pa for just being trained! so a lot of money just for being trained! just neeed to get my a-levels! well im gonna go fluysh my head down a toilet or somthing equally as boring....... oh well ssdd (same sh!t different day) except that its been like this 4 about ohh well ever since year 6 so about 6 years of my life has been non stop worry, pain and general depression...shame my webblog didnt start then at least some idiot in the future could make a film or a novel out of my lifes story!!!!

Mood: dead on the inside, a skeleton on the outside....

well at least im not so depressed i dont wanna blog! well i found out chloe cheated on me and went all the way with anufa guy at the party, that sy she dumped me, she didnt come and talk to me about it she just dumped me without telling me, most dishonourable. she knows iknow but she wont talk to me or anything when we meet up she avoids my gaze completely ignores me! all i want is a sincere apology and i could forgive her! ok what she did crippled me mentally but ^kinda got used to these kinida crushing blows so well.... we did have somthing special but she turned out to be a total slag.... oh well
the thing is when bob set me up with her i laughed at his face....then i thought why not and once we were going out i thought about chloe's mate Alyse i put t his out of my head because of the gentlemans laws i follow by! unfortunatley people dont seem to share my moralistic views on life!!!
well now i am starting to realise what a prat i was and well i wll be friends witrh chloe and forget this ewver happened so long as i get my apolgy.... well he's been slagging me off majourly behind my back but that doesnt bother me, people slagging me eoff has never bothered me since year 6 when i just got used to it i guess....people stealing my gf is inda standard now....brooksie asked her out the day after she dumped me....if he asked my perm,ission i owuld have said go for it but be carewful mate i now have n o emotional attachment for that b!tch. well i have chemistry now but will blog through chemistry i think...hmm ah well ill fail mny a-levels not staying in sh!t hole england my whole life n e way!

wow thank you imagevenue now i can show a picture of me! the image hosting is rather large! look you can fit pictures this big!! that me!!

im in physics chart will be over soon.time for a party, Mrs neal is leaving at the end ofthis week! she has been the matron in our boarding house sincei have been at this school at least and she is gonna be missed so much she was the best matron i have ever had! hope the new matron is just as good but i doubt it! i guess me and chloe, despite my feelings for ehr still are now totally doomed and i gotta let go! weell im meeting them all this weekend after being convinced my mel, elise and cornflake so it will be interesting....i just know i am gonna smoke all my fags...which i recently stocekd up on so is about 50! oh well! i am gonna go into blandford as soon as i am no longer gated (not allolwed out of skool) and get flight prices for 2007 so i can get a v cheap deal!!! cant wait to go off to germany for a year it will do me wonders! hopefully i will have the funds! well im off to pretend t do some maths for physics now! update will be later on today whem im in detention probably

Mood: i hate school but as soon as i leave school this weekend i will be depressed
Listening to: metallica- hero of the day

in another detention this is affectingmy work so much.... and i may not be able to even post this on the web since the airport is flickering in and out of range of my laptop....oh well i told my tutor of my plan to go to germany and he seemed to think it was a good idea but that may be because he hates me!!! i am still determined to not ruleout leaving the country it will be good for me to get out but the decision hasnt been made as to whether it will be permanent but i will NEED to get out of england if it is just, at least for my gap year. the plan now is oh damnmy teacher will be comnig round in a bit!! damn hang on will type again in a bit. oh i just got given a chocolate bar! how nice of mr locket!! well i am 1/2 waya through HMC and i have got used to always wanting to collapse either asleep or dead! why couldnt i have been suspended....damn it. oh well most of my mates will now shun me for a bit because of my violent outburst but i dont care anymore....i always have a friendd in my music....theone way i can explress myself that noone can take away from me simply because i have music on so many different computers, cd's and cd players that noone can ever remove music from my life. the plan is now to make sure that people dont notice my state of mind. hopefully germany is just around the corner for me, this half term i might go witgh my father if he can get travel insurance which is always a doubt now he is back out of recession.... well the operation gave us 3 years of happyness i guess i hsould be greatful for the time we had....but at the time iwasnt i took it for granted and now it seems some assshole from above ispunishing me, well punish me,not my dad. maybe one day i will get out of this dump and make somthing of my life, if im not dead! well at least i dont owe money anymore! with my debts as high as theyw ere no matter how happy i was i oculd have found myself dead!!! oh well! am gonna go now teachers getting suspicios of hjow much i amtyping and i have only done 2 sentences of my bullet points! will update again later tonigh DAMN AIRPORT CONNECT grrr i will post this to the internet eventually

Mood: need to get out of suffocating england

well ive been too depressed to blog over the last few days but i think my brave face is holding with my friends i can hold it at school as i do that every day anyway but most of my friends arent worried so i think i am doing well. Chloe seems well i dunno, different to me now, im starting to get the impression we were doomed from the start, i was so happy to have met people who, once again would not judge me on what i have done but what i have become and now i will be judged by things i have done again. unfortunatle this almost always leads to bad conclusions being made. The plan is to keep my head down at school, the AV people have been so understanding and friendly, unfortunatley these are the only people who can understand me.... my parents are hopeless at this and my close mates all judge me and think i am just getting my comeuppance, i know peoplelike hayley and francesca and that ot couldnt give a toss right now! except when my plan to leave the country and go to germany comes into my mind and i tell frfancesca all of a sudden she is te most caring person in the world....funny that isnt it! well im going ahead with it! itg may mean the end of my blog but oh well i can get a job and hopefully things will work out! i was talking to Melly (canadian Melly) last night and she made me see ssense, if i am miserable i dont have to put up with it, im not running away frommy problems im starting a new life, i will keep in ocntact with people that matter to me and everyone else....well if they dont care enough they will miss out on my friendship....almost half my friendships are meaningless to me anyway....hayley mullins just is welli never saw it before until about a month ago but to me, she basically cares to ee me only when noone else is free, we meet up and then then after her telling me hhow rubbish it will be if im not there i am completely ignored by her in particular.... the plan is now to raise a grand and set up a busines in Germany and if i make enough money i will sell it and come home if i miss england too much or if i make new friends and meet up with valerie and alice whenever we can and get into that friendship group, well then i am never coming back, i wont miss the weather, summers in Germany are t-shirt weather! i wont miss the clubs and bars because were underage and its all cheaper in germany anyway.... what will im isss though? only my closest friends who i=have remained loyal to me and never ever done anything to spite me. people i have known, not nessecarily for a long time but people who just are nice....i guess people who spring to mind are chloe, francesca and mel but sadly i know i will also miss all the group o fpeople i have recently been hanging out with like cornflake, elise, bob....i will miss bob so much. all of them, alex and everyone even alex's townie gf whats her face!! sadly thats all i will miss....yeah my life is that bad! oh well i givem yself about 2 years, time to finish my a-levels....this is mere conincidence btw and then i will have made a grand. doesnt have to be a good business is set up, just enough to pay for me to go out drinking and have a b&b or somthing cheap like that. well i have so many more feelings but no more time....hopefully more soon

well i am starting my ultijmate punishment and it sucks! i cant wait till this weekends as its half term and i can see hcloe so much! she's ill right now so i didnt even get my kiss! oh well holding her made me feel alive again it certainly put a smile on my face despite all i have been going through. if i make one wrong move i am suspended....in honesty? i dont give a toss! a week off school will mean moretime to earn money in my job! so i am not listening to anything the teachers say and do and i am just living my school life the way i did before! if i get suspended so what!!? well damn i got a lesson now but will update you guys again in aboiut 1/2 an hour!

well. im stuck in detention, my first of many if this keeps up! its dead silent except when everyone erupts into rebellikous coughing fits! its so funny well i cant wait im seeing chloe in 16 hours 53 minutes! i love her so much! well i need a piss! i cant move till 10pm and its only 8 07 im in a bit of trouble! well it turned out that luckily i havnt broken any bones but hey! i am gonna see if i can actually write a sentence inthis detention.butnot theones on my blog!! lol will post again later!!

Mood: the knife or the gun....
Listening to: wish i could listen to music but i cant even do that im being punished by the school so much

i was told i was almost suspendded and the school only sayss that when they mean it, i am the one who has been assaulted here!! they are playing on the fact that i beat up someone else before and using that to make me look like the bad guy! i have been bitten by a human! and well u have reqad the story no ned to retell it here. friends abandoning me left right and centre, people telling me that if i do one thing out of liine they will suspend me. i cant deal with this. i just cant. maybe after this weekend i will actually be able to smile. bet you a million quid hayley and francesca wont come, last time we were going into bournemouth and they had promised us the night before, but oh guess what, were driving in and i get a text saying "really sorry cant make it in but will see you soon" well im sorry if i take offense to being cancelled on 10 mins before we arrive in the car......
also i have had people make me feel useless, now with my wrist my parents are getting things down from high shelves in supermarkets for me and i am having teachers notn allow me to use the internet, well, if they ban me from theinterent i actually have nothing at school, it is my only connection to my friends and then i will only have one day a week where i meet people i want to meet and not poeple who thinks the shine shines out their ass. as most people do at this school. im feel like i should cry but i cant my head is just filled with depressin, but i know i will see chloe tomorow, dunno how i am gonna survive next weeek on chart....that is gonna be impossible....

well all seems well again! well outside school iside school it is gonna become a living hell. i mentioned i think i sprained my wrist? well it was in a fight, i told you before about matt o'connor annoying me and it climazed after 3 days, he was just being his usualy very annoying very perverted weird self which i hate so much an after rounding on me 3 days non stop i just pushed him away , he has this thing where he says its an ostrich but its really a balled up fist and whenever you speak out against mat he just goes "ostrich doesnt like what you said" and basically punches yo in the head, oif oyu punch him back he just goes "i have too high a pain threshhld for you look" and then he bangs his head against the table really hard again and again without even seeming to be in pain! its quite incredible i will give him that much!! well i pinned him down and told him to F*$k off or else as like an empty threat and so he bit my left thumb, i pulled him up against the wall while he was STILL biting my thumb, then his two mates came over and ganged up on me 3 on 1 i was on the floor and did the only selfe defense i could think of was to rip his hair out. when i was on the floor,, i thoguht if i could just hold onto his hair they would be less inclined to kick me so much as i could use his head as a shield. well i now have a possible sprained right wrist, me left ahnd has bite marks i have a fat headache and just generally feeling slow and clumsey shown in physics most when i couldnt remember simple GCSE equations! well it wasnt very good! on a happy not me and chloe are, i think, on the up, it turned out she did find it funny i just got my wires crossed somwhere!! if you want to see a picture of her check out mel's web blog www.blogigo.co.uk/devilish_litle_princess and scroll down till oyu see josh and chloe! thats us!!! well im gonna go now coz my hand is hurting from all this typing so will update the rest of it later on today will tell all about the studland stampede this afternoon when i get back from it!

Mood: im screwed
Listening to: Metallica-nothing else matters

cowley is the english subject room, shame i dont do english! lol well i am sitting here listening to music andif im busted im in HMD! well chloe has found out what present i bought her so it really doesnt matter anymore. i bought her a vibrator....as a joke! didnt mean for it to be taken seriously! and niw she is so pissed of with me! oh well maybe she will understand it was a joke but thinking aout it in depth,i dont think she may! it was not like a gesture to hop into bed or anything...just a jokey present for valentines day, obviously i cant take it back coz i lost the receit so i dunno i either give it to her or buy somthing else.....what am i gonna do? if i buy her somthing else i will be in debt and thats never good but if i give it to her i risk losing her.... but it is only a risk of losing her, and it is guaranteed debt. I hsouldnt have done it! i mean i heard fromeveryone that she had bought me a packet of seeds...pansies....nice of her ey!!? lol i owuldnt have minded if it wasnt pansies butimlying to everyone telling them i donty mind but i do find it offensive but i know she is lacking in money so im gonna accept them, grow them and hope they turn out as beautiful as she is. Well its a fat chance of her even liking her present so i have decided spur of the moment, im gonna get her some jewelerry or somthing coz she will actually kill me, i mean she hasnt talked to me sinc she found out, she still doesnt know i know and i have no intention of telling her. maybe it wowuld have been allright if she got it without knowing what it was beforhand as then, at least, she would accept and THEN find a reason to dump me but now she's gonna be in a stress with me for valentines day..... what am i gonna do!! i am so screwed

Mood: i wanna kill someone

i wanna just lose it with matt 'connor so much, this is the second night in a row he has stopped me working and i am so far behind but he doesnt care because he has far less work to do thani do, being the year below he is still doing GCSEs and i am doing AS levels i am at the point where if anyone saysone thing i am gonna damnwell lose it and i keep going back over myself here to cut out expletives you can beleive me so my blog wont get banned on our server! i oculd fucking smack him in the face so hard an di would not think twice about it i wanna smash in his nose so much that you cannot recognise his face! i beat the hell out of al snow and now he is islent and doesnt mouth off to me anymore! i should do the same to matt. problem is wont know where to stop and will actually kill him if im not restrained.

well im officially bored. i miss chloe like hell i just wanna hold her close and tellher how im hers forever. cant wait till valentines day! im in trouble at skool for threatening to kill this guy after he had spent 2 hhours stopping me working! grrrr! well i dont care anymoer as soon as i join the airforce there will be no more annoying people like matt o'conner and i will not be annoyhed 24/7! thiings are on the up again whih is nice to know! people have kinda in their own ways sorted out there lives except a few people but nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain i do believe a famous axl rose said!! im gonna upload a picture of me in a bit! when i have the time which will be after this blog so you will all finally have a face to put to this "lost soul" lol oh well dont suddenly all run away screaming! it is me with short hair....i cant wait to grow it long but i cant decide how long!!!