diary of a lost soul

Mood: my friends hate me ilove chloe
Listening to: hugh macpherson is listening to queen so loud through his earphones i guess queen

i cant remembe and i shouldnt be writing ths cozim drunk but i gotta tell someone i have been told by emily ellis that maybe i hsould think about counselling because i hate some of the people at bryanston especxially among the many total ahtred is hugh macpherson, he is sitting nextg to me he thinks the sun shines out of his a$$ well i wish he would die! on a more happier note im seeing chloe on sunday and i cant wait!! hope it wont be too awkward after what sam has put her through love you chloe!! lol francesca andd hayley and dan have now read my webblog and so i want to repeat a sstatement i read earlier, there are no retractions of what is saidd on this webblog because it is a statement of how i felt at that time (no complaints yet but im sure there may be a few soon! lol oh well peeps can hate me and thats fine but now i just know if i left it at that francesca would get all huffycoz she owuld go on and on aboutg not hating me when she never seems to give a hoot when i try to meet up or woteva but as soon as i say sorry i cant meet up for ages she goers all "OMG i mut see you plz plz plz plz plz" when it inconveniences me but if it inconveniences her its just oh well lets meet up next week or sometime soon. she confuses me but she is such a good friend i forgive her a thousand times over! oh well my weaknesses ey??! gimme a fit lady like her and i just lose all sticking power, but now officially francesca has the 2nd nicest bum in the world (woo chloe's no1 chloe's no1!) so ha francesca! lol cant wait to go bowling i am skieving out of house xc running to do it but no one will appreciate that, i love running why am i abandoning running to see friends that would still meet up without me and theonly ones that would bare a thought for more than a fleeting moment about me not beeing there would be bob, chloe and mel hmm the people i consider friends live without me, the slightly more distant friends care more about me, well i am slowly moving intol that friendship group i hope! anything to be with chloe! im with chloe im happy....i guess i shhould change mypoll to do i need professional help! yeh actually im gonna do that so peeps have now gotta vote in ma new pole opening....as sion as i am sober enought o change it!! well ill start that now then!!!!!!!!

Mood: jade-1000 words

it now turns out that chloe and i may be having problems.....sam told mel that i fingered chloe....WHICH I DIDNT and mel asked chloe what happened dont ask y sam does this i dont know!! lol and welll she isnt dumping me thanks to mel who i owe a million times over for talking to chloe and helping her see sense. I cant believe sam sometimes!! well now i have a problem me and her arent gonna have our perfect relationship for a few weeks its so annoying! things were PERFECT and now they are less than perfect which really bugs me coz i totally love her and i really really do need her we just met bowling and clicked so we met up the next day and i took her ice skating and held her hand all the way round despite peeps coming up and saying stuff like "so josh when are you g onna ask her out?" the plan was to walk her to her dorset and say goodnight to her and then ask her out then....well i didnt expect her house to have electric gates etc! lol so i said goodbye to her at the gates.....it took a long time getting home that night because chloe forgot the way home from the BIC and so she took my dad on a road all the way round bournemouth and out of bournemouth the long way then the way back into bournemouth before dad pointed out she was probably lost to her but we eventually found out where she lived and all was good. she si so sweet i love her! anyway i said my goodbyes on the doorstep and asked her then....she didnt say yes but just kinda nodded and smiled at me, i took that as my answer and got bacck in the car! i made a kinda big mistake about letting people read my blog by giving them the address personally, francesca read it and oh dear god i think she's worried about me! i dont need peoples worry and sympathy all i ask for is respect for those reading this who know me, i knew that one day this owuld happen and i am glad it finally has! but i am glad they didnt read it when the whole major depression was in full swing a perfect quote for how i feel is from the film red dragon (the hannibal lectur one) "if theres anything worse than pity its fake pity" i hate it when everyone hangs around me more than usual because they have found ouut my dad is back in hospital or i am totally depressed or whatever... wanna do a little song quote but still i swore to hide the pain when i turn back the pages anger might have been the answer what if i hung my hung and said that i would wait but now im strong enough to say its not too late coz a thousand words cal out throught eh ages they will fly to you to you even t hough i cant see i know theyre reaching you suspended on silver wings oh a 1000 words a 1000 embraces will cradle you you making all of oyur weary days seem far away they'll hold oyu forever.... this song has so much meaning to me i mean when you have happy times in your life everything else seems to be forgotten i expect this blog to eventually just be deleted or whatever but i dont really mind it has kept my mind sane through the hard times,somthing my pride shall never allow my friends to be there for me so this blog has been my way of expressing my feelings...out of interest every1 reading this who is registered with blogigo still plz send me a comment so i know if anyone reads this anymore....just a little thought