diary of a lost soul

im supposed to be working with all my overdue work! oh well we are having a discussion about how much we hate americans and oh dear mr rowe has just come in and he has just told me to shutup and stop talking b0llocks! damn him and his alchoholism! oh well! cant wait till i go home now have a nice shower and i bit of thinking of chloe time! maybe next week he wont have had so much to drink it was so funny steve and phat were having a play fight, a drunken mr rowe walks in and tells them they both have a breaker (minor punishment of runningin break) and steve just goes "thankyou" and continues to punch phat! phat has detention and steve has 2 breakers!!! comendy its so much fun winding up alchoholic teachers!!

You Are 24 Years Old 24 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. ok ok so you ned to highlight it coz the writing is black but oh well!

Mood: so empty inside.....
Listening to: Don Mclean-american pie

well i bought chloe a valentines present, its so lucky i got my paycheck in otherwise i wouldnt be bale to afford it, im not gonna tell you what it is though till after valentines incase someone finds out and tells her!! all im saying is i hope she loves is coz i doubt the shop i bought it from will take it back!! Mel and nick are ok now too! i think! well its another week at school and another week of living to see chloe again. i know i couldnt see chloe this weekend and i know i shouldnt expect to see her every weekend but it just felt so empty without her! i just need her little sarcastic comments and her cute smile, i guess once you find somthing so perfect ther est of your life just seems worse than before because you dont have her all the time. sam was fronting today when i asked about his weeekend, as i exxpected it was just hi and tom but he said it was amazing, as always we all know he is lying its just that he cant organise somthing and he is still in his girly strop with me, i dont wuite know why but oh well! If i dont see her next weekend i will know somthing is up, but of course if there is a good reason then of course theres not but im just worried after mel told me that she is not sure whether she likes me or not i have just realised what left with if i dont have her! i really miss her and i need to just hold her close! well the plan is survive this week at school and see chloe! that all im thinking of right now! i hope that we do actually see each other again!! well im gonna go now coz i am overdue with work!!

i hav noticed that going through my diary i have made a few mistakes that er well are causing he hassle so i need to correct them.... i took chloe out to dinner not emily i love chloe she means the world to me and also ok me and alice ok she's sweet and stuff but were MATES i am only interested in chloe... ok now i go tthat off my chest yesterday i felt so empty and when this guy iwas annoying me i lost it and smacked his face in really badly, thing is i dont feel bad about it coz he is a posh arrogant err wot word wont get banned?? well all the words i can think of are swear words anyway y do i feel empty because all i have ever wanted is in chloe? she's like perfection and before i have spent my life looking for her but now i have her i spend my whole time thinking of her and im nver with her and it just feels so empty not seeing her knowing that just kills me i guess. i live for the weekends the rest of the week i am a skeleton waiting to see her again and i wont be seeing her this weekend soo i have to wait another week. i really miss her and i guess i dunno i ust need her.

Mood: lets just socially die for a week and socially be reborn every weekend

school school school. another triple free wednesday morning and another perfect chance to blog! check out my mate mel's blog www.blogigo.co.uk/devilish_little_princess she rocks bless her! bundle of laughs anyway to ranting about the world! i have this stupid greek comedy in bristol tomorow and i cant be bothered to go! well i have to so hey y not! its themorning after i knackered my legs and boy are they in pain? i am sitting on 2 chairts, one for my bum the other for my legs! i have finally got gmail but it keeps messing up the server is really slow! soo yay gmail boo the school server!! proved my ICT teacher wrong as he said my AS project was missing bits and then i walked him through my project and he apologised! ha ha ha i win you lose sucks to you!!! lol well i cant bllieve sophia is trying to get in there with nick it was so funny she emailed me saying oh nick nick nick and i just told hewr to get out nicks got a gf! was so funny! sophia i a kool gal but a bit loose! am seeing francesca again at last! last weekend she abandoned us because she had a better offer with luke, mush and that lot! me and sam were kinda pissed off at that so we decided if she doesnt come out this weekend well....we wont be very pleased! got my physics talk on thursday which ic ant weait for coz its on free ride biking and carbon fibre in the disk brakes of free ride biking...thats the physics bit but im concentration on the free ride biking bit with physics thrown in abolt how the jumps and trocks are executed and the forces behind them! shame i cant do a demonstration!! lol had my chemistry assessed praactical last night! afterwards went back to house talking to alcie salisbury, she's one of the new girls and she is very pretty and very sweet but dont worry i know i got a gf! were mates and she's cool! my kinda person! so cant wait to talk 2 her in physics tomorow before my talk! am planting some questions for her to ask so i look even clevereer!!!!!! lol well im gonna go check my gmail for the 100th time today see if it will log me in this time! IT WORKED IT LOGGED IN WOOHOOOOOOOOOO! lol

well i have jkust done one of those back beaking spine crushing leg killling runs and i am going to some place for a greek comedy yay *sarcasmn* coz greek comedy is so funny! ahem! lol well i hope mel is happier now an di cnat talk coz im going to th hospital to have my body checked out as i pushed myself so hard i was in floods of teas but i didnt walk!!! so need to do that now...yay hospitals how happy! lol

Mood: the future will be good but its only ok rigght now!

thiings are going well for me now i think. me andd chloe are back in a good relationship and its all thanks to mel, i wish could help mel out but i feel knda helples me and chlkoe are good now and i have just been busy for the last few days with more physics coursework which i handed in yesterday so thats good! mel and nick are a good couple and nick will support her through anything hes a good bloke! sam is being a total idiot! grrrrr! now hes going for fern again weven though we all know he has no chance even him!!! muppet! well i got gmail now and i am so proud of myself but b4 u ask im still waiting for invites!!!!!!!!!! i think i will give 1 to selene because she wass reely helpful for me when i started this blog!!!!!

Mood: am i allowed to die yet?

well thanks to sam telling mel, chloes mate than i fingered chloe in public 9which i didnt) i have now lost chloe while we are "on abreak for however long it takes", why would sam do this i hear you ask? well when he wants to find out what happens with me and my gfs he tells evry1 he heard i fingered them and they say no actually this happened, this time however it was taken the wrong way! and so yeah i am too depressed to log actually more when im feeling better

Mood: my friends hate me ilove chloe
Listening to: hugh macpherson is listening to queen so loud through his earphones i guess queen

i cant remembe and i shouldnt be writing ths cozim drunk but i gotta tell someone i have been told by emily ellis that maybe i hsould think about counselling because i hate some of the people at bryanston especxially among the many total ahtred is hugh macpherson, he is sitting nextg to me he thinks the sun shines out of his a$$ well i wish he would die! on a more happier note im seeing chloe on sunday and i cant wait!! hope it wont be too awkward after what sam has put her through love you chloe!! lol francesca andd hayley and dan have now read my webblog and so i want to repeat a sstatement i read earlier, there are no retractions of what is saidd on this webblog because it is a statement of how i felt at that time (no complaints yet but im sure there may be a few soon! lol oh well peeps can hate me and thats fine but now i just know if i left it at that francesca would get all huffycoz she owuld go on and on aboutg not hating me when she never seems to give a hoot when i try to meet up or woteva but as soon as i say sorry i cant meet up for ages she goers all "OMG i mut see you plz plz plz plz plz" when it inconveniences me but if it inconveniences her its just oh well lets meet up next week or sometime soon. she confuses me but she is such a good friend i forgive her a thousand times over! oh well my weaknesses ey??! gimme a fit lady like her and i just lose all sticking power, but now officially francesca has the 2nd nicest bum in the world (woo chloe's no1 chloe's no1!) so ha francesca! lol cant wait to go bowling i am skieving out of house xc running to do it but no one will appreciate that, i love running why am i abandoning running to see friends that would still meet up without me and theonly ones that would bare a thought for more than a fleeting moment about me not beeing there would be bob, chloe and mel hmm the people i consider friends live without me, the slightly more distant friends care more about me, well i am slowly moving intol that friendship group i hope! anything to be with chloe! im with chloe im happy....i guess i shhould change mypoll to do i need professional help! yeh actually im gonna do that so peeps have now gotta vote in ma new pole opening....as sion as i am sober enought o change it!! well ill start that now then!!!!!!!!

Mood: jade-1000 words

it now turns out that chloe and i may be having problems.....sam told mel that i fingered chloe....WHICH I DIDNT and mel asked chloe what happened dont ask y sam does this i dont know!! lol and welll she isnt dumping me thanks to mel who i owe a million times over for talking to chloe and helping her see sense. I cant believe sam sometimes!! well now i have a problem me and her arent gonna have our perfect relationship for a few weeks its so annoying! things were PERFECT and now they are less than perfect which really bugs me coz i totally love her and i really really do need her we just met bowling and clicked so we met up the next day and i took her ice skating and held her hand all the way round despite peeps coming up and saying stuff like "so josh when are you g onna ask her out?" the plan was to walk her to her dorset and say goodnight to her and then ask her out then....well i didnt expect her house to have electric gates etc! lol so i said goodbye to her at the gates.....it took a long time getting home that night because chloe forgot the way home from the BIC and so she took my dad on a road all the way round bournemouth and out of bournemouth the long way then the way back into bournemouth before dad pointed out she was probably lost to her but we eventually found out where she lived and all was good. she si so sweet i love her! anyway i said my goodbyes on the doorstep and asked her then....she didnt say yes but just kinda nodded and smiled at me, i took that as my answer and got bacck in the car! i made a kinda big mistake about letting people read my blog by giving them the address personally, francesca read it and oh dear god i think she's worried about me! i dont need peoples worry and sympathy all i ask for is respect for those reading this who know me, i knew that one day this owuld happen and i am glad it finally has! but i am glad they didnt read it when the whole major depression was in full swing a perfect quote for how i feel is from the film red dragon (the hannibal lectur one) "if theres anything worse than pity its fake pity" i hate it when everyone hangs around me more than usual because they have found ouut my dad is back in hospital or i am totally depressed or whatever... wanna do a little song quote but still i swore to hide the pain when i turn back the pages anger might have been the answer what if i hung my hung and said that i would wait but now im strong enough to say its not too late coz a thousand words cal out throught eh ages they will fly to you to you even t hough i cant see i know theyre reaching you suspended on silver wings oh a 1000 words a 1000 embraces will cradle you you making all of oyur weary days seem far away they'll hold oyu forever.... this song has so much meaning to me i mean when you have happy times in your life everything else seems to be forgotten i expect this blog to eventually just be deleted or whatever but i dont really mind it has kept my mind sane through the hard times,somthing my pride shall never allow my friends to be there for me so this blog has been my way of expressing my feelings...out of interest every1 reading this who is registered with blogigo still plz send me a comment so i know if anyone reads this anymore....just a little thought

Mood: i hate coursework i hate work but i dontmind school (make any sense??!!! lol)

well have now setttled into the world of private school again i was worried about all the posh people but its not so bad! the new german guy who replaced luca seems nice but obviously he is a bit quiet as he doesnt really knwo anyone im gonna try and become friends with him.... i am in a dorm with musto which isnt that bad i guess i mean ok i detest the music he listens to but hey that works vice versa so i c ant really complain! i miss chloe so much i emailed her just now telling her how much i miss her.... xc running is going good i guess but it kinda needs more fitness im not content with being in the lead if noone is running at their peak of fitness, especially me i gotta win back my fitness, new years resoloutions you ask? well i went realistically on mine so i am gonna cut down smoking and be a total gentleman to chloe. 100% gentleman instead of 80% or woteva i was before. a few things are bothering me though. work is being piled on and i physically feel like i am being suffocated by it all. I cant wait to get back on top of my work mr locket wont want me strung up on a pole! alex hibbit wants to get in thee with francesca, it bugs me and i dont know why, maybe its coz i know what he will be like with me ihope he wont rub it inmy face actually i dont think thats it me and him are kinda mates now....i dont want her being hurt at all but sam tells me francesca told him she likes him too! which could be sam thinking it owuld wind me up as he does so often so i just ignore what he says but if they like each other what can i do? im bringing them both along to bowling which is gonna be odd coz sam always flirts with francesca despite repeatedly saying he doesnt fancy her or even like her looks! he doesnt say she's ugly just not his type, i always have thought that she is his type he would always flirt with her even when we were going out grrrrr that boy makes me so mad! well i am gonna make sure francesca goes out with alex before she even thinks about sam, sam and francesca just cant go out after well me and her, but i guess that is only if he has any respect for me which i know he doesnt so it wont matter really. but ont hat note sam did lend me his 3.5grand bike for my physics project so he must trust me is not respect me. i love francesca so much as a friend i idolise her, she never steps one foot out of line and her morals even come first, even those annoying misguided morals she has, well the one misguided moral she has of never ever going on a 1 on 1 date with someone...but we jsut wont tell alex that....i can never forgive alex completely for all he has put me through....

Mood: im back at skool and oh well!

well my girlfriend chloe is reely sweet i think she can pull me through anything and i dont wanna find out but i know she can.... she is beautiful and funny and err ok not so smart!! lol b ut she really has a heart! she's not one of these your my bf when it suits me ladies she means the world to me.... not sure if i mentioned in the after the holiday blog that lizzie said she wants me back etc well its a load of utter rubbish as far as i am concerned! too little too late and things turned out better than i could have imagined. i spoke to emily on msn and she was all friendly and nice coz it seems she is getting the same amount of stick as me about the whole cheating thing! so we promised each other that we would be friends andproove to evry1 that you cant judge someone by a stupid mistake! we'll see how things go!

Mood: I DONT WANNA GO BACK TO SKOOL
Listening to: get amped:phoney society

well it all started innocently enough. I met upwith mates and well yeah i thought lizie hated me..... long story will be explained later as chronologically other things happened first. well i go to the elements ball which is at a nmight club called elements and i met lizzie there and everyone else and that was all ang good except Tom G was there...they guy who was going out with emily and well he was refraining from killing me all night! i saw claudia....remember claudia and hugged her!!!! ahahah the look on her face! comical....anyway that was all well and good and then things were kinda average from then on till christmas time ish when i just went to bournemouth and did loads of ice skating. then i was invited bowling with michael haynes (Bob!!!!!!!!!) and bob introduced me to chloe...... she was very sweet and polite and then we went ice skating again the next day and she was there aghain i held herhand for the entire ice skating session and i enjoyed her company so much!! well i decided to ask her out when i waled her to her house....she has a very nice hiouse with electric ddoors etc! so i got as far as the elecctric doors and asked her and she just kinda nodded her head! well i was thrilled! and now were going out! that same evening when i got home lizzie had to ring me up and tell me that she was sorry she was just angry will i take her back!!! oops sorry darling im over you kinda reactionf rom me....too little too late! well then i went to a party which was sam's mums party where i was waitering and that wass fun coz we were just basically drinkingloads backstage! well i got in a sstress with my parents on the way home got out of the car and spent the night at my mates house after having lizzie ringme and i cant really remember what i told her but it sure seemss like i went throught all the motions....all of them! well it ended up i DID wake up in my own bed so that was good! lol well after then i have just beenc ruisiing all my depressiojns are in the background and i can be happy again! i was really depressed at nedw years eve coz ALL of my friends either abandoned me yes abandoned me didnt even invite me to parties while i was there whilst they planned them!! or there was a limited number and i was too low down on the list etc! so i spent new years eve at home with the rents and had the nicest steak ever! watched a bnit of tv with a few beers andd went to bed about 4 in the morning. all my feelings for people like emily and franccesca are back to friendships and i thinkmy life is back on track except for sam....well i took emily on my first date with a meal at the bella italia in bournemouth and well he turned up knowing i was going to be there he even rubbed it in my face he was tryna get a table there during the day i thought he ws just winding me up....which itr sure did i wanted to kill hiim!! anyway he turns up with tom....the guy who didnt even invite me to hiss new years eve party even though he inmvited all my mates! well it was him and sam and tom was kinda regretting not inviting me coz when sam was bragging about how good the party was tom was just like 'shutup sam cant you see he is hurt deep down" well sam of course kept talking anyway we arrived at the bella italia and sam and tom were sitting down and during the meal or while we were ordering etc sam kept trying to get my attention with his glass held up in a kind of a cheers manner!!!!! and he came over and talked to us....i was SO FURIOUS i could have killed him! oh well ey??!! lol well am not talking to him now which is a probnlem coz i go back to skool on sunday and he is gonna be in my face 24/7 updates on what happens later.....i got ICT coursework i am supposed to be doing oh well all this typing is sure impressing the teacher!! lol report back soon!