Lots to tell
Mood: wierd
Listening to: "don't ask me how I know".....a really good song
I haven't written in here in a while but I thought I would add some stuff tonight. I really have a lot I wanna write about so either this is going to be long and random or most likely I will get bored of it.
I am back home now, I got back Thursday night and it was really good to see my family and my pets, it really kinda hit me though this time that my rats are dead, I miss them so much. I went in my sisters room (my room really but she moved in there when I left) to say hi to them and I had totally forgotten that they were gone. It was so sad to see the table in the corner where their cage was completly empty. When my sister was painting that room after I left my parents moved my rats in with them temporarily next to the birds and while they were there one of the birds learned the squeaking sound the wheel used to make when they ran on it and now when he makes that sound it takes me a while to realize it is him and not my rats. It is kinda wierd, I know, that I am so upset over a couple of rodents but I really loved them. And now I am afraid my wolf mix dog is dying. She is epileptic and she has been having grand mal (sp?) seizures since she was pretty young (she is about 5 now). The seizures at first only came about twice a year and then it moved one or two every couple of months and it stayed that way for several years, but since I got home she ha been having between three and five a day. The poor thing is so exhausted she can barley walk so we took her to the vet over the weekend and he told us that they are being triggered by either a kidney infection or some kind of problem with her uterus. The problem is the kidney tests only showed a slight indication that there might be a poblem and he can't tell for sure what the problem is without opperating and he can't opperate when she is seizing this much. So he gave us some kidney medication so hopefully that will work and when/if she gets over all of this we are going to take her in to have her uterus removed so hopefully she will get better soon, I don't want to lose another pet! So I am sitting in here with her now until she falls asleep. We have padded the corners of things so she won't get hurt from the seizures or falling since she is having trouble walking, an we have covered the floor in old towels because every time she has a seizure she loses control of ALL her functions including her bladder and her bowels so that is a mess and she is filthy but we can't bathe her until she can stand up fopr longer than a few seconds. So it is all REALLY unpleasant for her and for us.
Hmm....what else.....my dad is out of town on business this week (which I hate b/c they are taking advantage of him but thats another story) so he gave me instructions on how to do all the pool up keep stuff. So tonight when I went to go shut off the filter and the Polaris I just stayed out there for hours. Everyone was asleep and it was all dark and quiet out there. I climbed a tree that I used to go up all the time when I was younger, it seemed way taller then but somehow it was way harder for me to get up now lol, once I got up I just sat there and cried. There is no real reason that I cried just a bunch of little ones. I thought about when I was little all the fun I had in my yard and all the people who were with me then but are gone now for anything from death to just people that I lost contact with. I thought about how I thought things would be and how they are, some are better, most aren't. I thought about my dog and all my pets that are already gone. All that thinking made me think about what the 10 yr old me would think about this me, it is like 2 totally different people I think I would have been disgusted to see what I am if I could have whaen I was younger. After all that I just went and laued by the pool with my labroadors and I prayed, I don't really pray very much but I just layed there and I REALLY prayed. I am not even sure where I stand on the whole god thing but I figure if he is there I should at least try to find him., or me or whoever I find in the process. Then I just layed there. I was looking at the moon and wondering if there is someone out there for me and where/who he is. I also wondered why I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself when I should be thankful, I mean it is hard to feel sorry for a girl who is living in a nice, safe neighborhood and whose happy, loving family is still all together and, and has a car and is in the process of getting a college education. But still I was sitting there in my huge backyard by my inground pool feeling bad for myself? What will be good enough? I dunno anyway I am getting bored lol and it is late, so goodnight.
