Confused
I know I have not written in a very long time, but this is because I have had way too much going on.
Five years ago I met a man and fell in love. He was very sweet, considerate, and loved me deeply. We have now been married for the past two and a half years. I honestly believe that time has been the most horrible time of my life. My husband is now in Korea on a military assignment for one year. He does not know how I have been feeling because when I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and says mean things to me. He has never hit me and I believe he never will, but I can not take the treatment anymore. It is very hard to live your life without being treated like you are a person.
I am treated as if I am a play toy that can be taken out and then returned. The funny thing is that I know with all my heart that my husband loves me. He just does not respect me. We have nothing in common, and the only time he shows compassion is when he wants something from me. He has been in Korea for two months now and has only called me three times. Once because I called his supervisor, and twice to find out when I was depositing money into his account.
I have found out that while in Korea my husband has been buying prostitutes. This makes me feel so small and worthless. I want so bad to get out and away from him. I have decided that when he returns I will tell him that I want a divorce, I don't wish to do this while he is gone because believe it or not I still have respect for myself. If I told him while he was away that would only bring me lower.
Since he has gone I have realized what I have learned throughout this relationship. I have learned so much about myself and with a few days and a few words I have learned that I am wanted and how to love myself again. This knowledge came in the form of a man who lives a million miles away.
This brings me to why I am confused. In talking to this person I have found strength to be my own person again. I am already feeling that love that I thought I would never have again. I know that I am not on the rebound because I have known for some time now my feelings about my husband and the fact that I want to leave him. All this has made me think long and hard about every aspect of my marrige and my life. I have thought of all the things that I have done and the things that I have not done.
If I had not met this guy that I speak of I never would have found the strength to stop being blind. Everyone saw the disrespect but me. I do not understand how I being such a strong person could have let this happen to me. I have not been taking care of myself eiather. When I married I gained over one hundred pounds. I was so unhappy and so depressed that I just stopped caring. Now that I am away from him for a while I have been happy, loosing weight, and being myself.
My million mile away friend, I have grown to care so much about. We have found that we share so much in common. We both feel that we would get along perfectly. I have found from what I know of him that he very well could be eveything I have always wanted. When I asked him what he felt about me he did say that he has very strong feelings for me too. That makes me feel so good. We even have the same views about life. Well at least from what we have spoken about. I really hate to admit this because I feel I am making myself too vulnerable, but I feel that I could fall so madly and deeply in love with him that the world would turn inside out. I am naturally a very passionate person, among many other things i thought were gone he has brought back to life in me.
I do feel that this is true and not just something I am feeling as a way to get out. How could that be if I would have left my husband with or without meeting my friend? I would have been more scared about it all, yes, but I still would have left.
I love this feeling.
