My Weblog

Mood: truely happy
Listening to: someone with an english accent talk to me

Well ok I have been doing lots of thinking lately.

I finally talked to my husband about the things I have been feeling, and, well, we came to the conclusion that it is time to move on and end our marrige.

He claims that he has not cheated on me nor even thought about it. Yet he has no explination of the charges made to a prostitute house in Korea.

He actually didnt get mad at me when I told him my true feelings. Could that be because I asked him to hear me out and that I told him I was afraid he would fly off the handle? I feel very relieved now and Im sure this is what I want.  He said he still loved me and that he still wanted to be friends after the divorce is over. If we can actually manage that I think it would be good, considering that I have proof of his adultry and would hate to have to bring that up inside a military divorce hearing.  I am really hopeing that I wont have to use that.

I guess now I need to be decideing on who gets what and getting myself prepared for the single life once again.

I cant wait for it to all be over! I'll finally be free!

 

  I know I have not written in a very long time, but this is because I have had way too much going on.

  Five years ago I met a man and fell in love. He was very sweet, considerate, and loved me deeply. We have now been married for the past two and a half years. I honestly believe that time has been the most horrible time of my life. My husband is now in Korea on a military assignment for one year. He does not know how I have been feeling because when I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and says mean things to me. He has never hit me and I believe he never will, but I can not take the treatment anymore. It is very hard to live your life without being treated like you are a person.

I am treated as if I am a play toy that can be taken out and then returned. The funny thing is that I know with all my heart that my husband loves me. He just does not respect me. We have nothing in common, and the only time he shows compassion is when he wants something from me. He has been in Korea for two months now and has only called me three times. Once because I called his supervisor, and twice to find out when I was depositing money into his account.

I have found out that while in Korea my husband has been buying prostitutes. This makes me feel so small and worthless. I want so bad to get out and away from him. I have decided that when he returns I will tell him that I want a divorce, I don't wish to do this while he is gone because believe it or not I still have respect for myself. If I told him while he was away that would only bring me lower.

Since he has gone I have realized what I have learned throughout this relationship. I have learned so much about myself and with a few days and a few words I have learned that I am wanted and how to love myself again. This knowledge came in the form of a man who lives a million miles away.

This brings me to why I am confused. In talking to this person I have found strength to be my own person again. I am already feeling that love that I thought I would never have again. I know that I am not on the rebound because I have known for some time now my feelings about my husband and the fact that I want to leave him.  All this has made me think long and hard about every aspect of my marrige and my life. I have thought of all the things that I have done and the things that I have not done.

If I had not met this guy that I speak of I never would have found the strength to stop being blind. Everyone saw the disrespect but me. I do not understand how I being such a strong person could have let this happen to me. I have not been taking care of myself eiather. When I married I gained over one hundred pounds. I was so unhappy and so depressed that I just stopped caring. Now that I am away from him for a while I have been happy, loosing weight, and being myself.

My million mile away friend, I have grown to care so much about. We have found that we share so much in common. We both feel that we would get along perfectly. I have found from what I know of him that he very well could be eveything I have always wanted. When I asked him what he felt about me he did say that he has very strong feelings for me too. That makes me feel so good. We even have the same views about life. Well at least from what we have spoken about. I really hate to admit this because I feel I am making myself too vulnerable, but I feel that I could fall so madly and deeply in love with him that the world would turn inside out. I am naturally a very passionate person, among many other things i thought were gone he has brought back to life in me.

I do feel that this is true and not just something I am feeling as a way to get out. How could that be if I would have left my husband with or without meeting my friend? I would have been more scared about it all, yes, but I still would have left.

I love this feeling.

Mood: confused

I play an game online called tibia. I met a guy there and we became friends. At the time we met he had a girlfriend whom he had met playing tibia. This girl was shockingly sweet, but had some serious health concerns. The two had been long distance dating for 2 years. They swaped pictures, talked on the phone and so on.

The girl said she had lukemia and needed a bone marrow transplant. This went on for a long period of time. I in the meanwhile had become very close friends with the girls real life cousin. One night we were talking and I was told that the girl was in the hospital for her bone marrow transplant. 3 weeks later I was speaking to the girls cousin via MSN messenger. I was informed that the girl had passed away.

Everyone that knew this wonderfully sweet girl was greifstricken. Especially her boyfriend of 2 years. I went off for Christmas vacation only to come back and hear the most shocking thing of my life.

It turns out that the girl was really a 40 year old woman posing as a 19 year old. She had led this poor boyfriend of hers to believe that she had been in a car accident, and had lukemia, among other serious mishapps. While she was supposedly in the hospital after having her bonemarrow transplant, she talked to this poor man on the phone every night. The things she put him through are unimaginable.

Her cousin whom I had become friends with was really her son and had been helping her in this scheme.

 I just can not believe there are really people in this world who could be so cruel. I have since spoken with the son posing as the cousin asking for his side of the story. I did not get much of an answer. He did appologize for lying to me like that and said his mother forced him to go along with it all. I don't know if I should believe him and let it go or not. The man who was most hurt by this all says he is fine but I do not believe him. How can anyone be fine after what happened to him? We talk on occasion and I look forward to hearing from him. Because when I talk to him I know that he hasn't gone and done something stupid. I know that all I know of him is a picture and a few written words, but I still feel a very strong friendly love towards him. I know that he thinks of me as a friend but I don't know his feelings about that friendship. I being a naturaly loving compassionate person cherish every living soul that enters my life. He doesn't know this but I would give anything for him, just for sake of knowing for sure that he was going to pull through this. I know that this is a tough time for him and I wish that there were something I could do to help him.