My Life in Parallel
According to scientists, today is officially the most depressing day of the year.
January 27th 2003
I read at work today about an experiement that some guy did in the 1920s that proved that everyone has dreams which reveal parts of their future - future memories he calls them. So I decided I would try it.
I think I'm leaving one part of my life behind and starting the next.. not good or better, just diiferent. I love my room. It feels so good to have a space of my own.. It was funny earlier looking at what people from school were doing and thinking how different my life could have been if I'd made different choices.. remembering who I was then. Also really odd to think of that time when i lost my purse on the beach and we all went back the next day to look for it - after about half an hour I had totally given up and sat down resigned to the fact that I'd lost it for good, when there it was next to me.
I wonder if I would have come here, to this city and this house anyway, no matter what the route? It's funny too when you meet people and you know you're going to share something with them. And how your opinions change too.. how you begin to see the whole picture - why and how someone is the person they are. And patterns in your own life - Polly and Lou, Dave and Greg, james F and Fin - they all have likenesses and similar roles in my life. Weird how Tim was saying the same thing about moving to Switzerland. I thought he was half joking at the time, but I don't think he was. It's the the same thing, somehow, whereever you go, only a slightly different version. Just thought - Greg and I were so close as friends and obviously fancied each other, but as we were both attached nothing happened - it's like that with Dave only it's the distance that is keeping us apart. Somehow feels like we are destined to be just out of reach of each other. This track reminds me of being on the train from Geneva for the first time - tired, excited and contemplative. And pissed. I'm so glad not to be pregnant. I always get this irrational fear.. SEX.
26th January 2004
Feel like I have a real great year ahead and a new lease of life... Booked this really cool place for Paul and I for valentines.. I have so much going on in my head at the moment - can't stop thinking - the move to London is really in my mind the whole time. Really wanna talk to James about it, but just haven't found the time. There is definately some tension between us and I know it's cos we haven't talked or been very close recently. And he knows my head is in another place... Just cos I am falling in love I can't get complacent. I have to learn the lessons from last time and keep up my busy life, my relationships with my friends and all my interests. That will be good - essential in fact - for Paul and me in the future. It's really nice how we are going along together. He sent me a text today saying how much he misses me, but also how he is kind of enjoying it. I kow exactly what he means, cos it's this delicious stage where it's new and exciting and we are getting to know each other, but the distance is prolonging it. (Which is really good cos otherwise we'd be full steam ahead, totally lost in each other.)
24th January 2005
Well, quite a lot has happened since I last wrote this in July.. Meribelle was born 2 weeks early, on Bonfire Night 2004. She is such a beautiful little one, her own person already, so strong in her own mind and body. Paul and I moved back home in Sep to our little toy town suburban house and are getting used to life as a family.. but wow - what a shock! I was wholly unprepared for how tired and weird I would feel after having her.. and how hard it has been for both of us to actually come to terms with the fact that we are now parents.. Paul has just come home from work and is feeding her as I type. The first few weeks were just bizarre - the physical exhaustion and pain of recovering were way more than I expected. We would jsut look over into the basket and see this tiny little baby and kind of wonder where it had come from and who she belonged to... we had so many visitors and everyone else seemed quite sure of the situation.. it was just Paul and I who weren't. Looking back I think we were in shock... I am so glad those days are behind us now.. it may be tough week to week and tiring and I know we both miss the crazy carefree days of our first love, but now everything is just so much deeper. Our dreams are bigger than ever and so are our fears. But I know we'll be able to see it through.
