http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled the lost...and soon to be found... en quietlytroubled quietlytroubled Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:39:34 +0100 daily 1   Well, I finally found my old blog...and glad to have the proof of things I was only vaguely remembering.  So much has happened in just the past year and friends say the man was perfectly pleasant to them & they have no idea why I would leave.  Why?  Surely there are enough notes just in this blog to lay it all out. Forget the finishing touch that he sat on the porch and breathed angrily down on me as he slowly spat that he wished they had come for me and beat me...that he wanted to hear my bones break...that he sometimes thought he'd like to break them himself. Would you stay with such a man? Does it matter what made him so angry? It is too possible for someone who is able to conceive of such thoughts and voice them to turn around and carry them out. A friend who works for the prison service said exactly that...ordinary men can do horrendous things without warning. Well, at least I got a warning...and I did something about it. First I made my plan to... Tue, 24 Mar 2009 06:39:34 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/free/20/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/free/20/ OK Done a lot of thinking about options. Not going to live in fear. Got a letter from previous employer which has sparked my imagination and given me strength. 1. My job is open & worth $43,000 2. My house has to be sold...and should bring me at least $30,000 3. PEI has opportunity & loved ones. I could buy a place for a B&B...room for M&D & me & others 4. ON has kids & friends, and the job...but it would eat all my income. Still, good support, especially in London. I could survive quite nicely, thank you. Threats won't work anymore...but I think he knows that. He has not said anything nasty about my leaving or anything in months...so he must understand that I have been pushed far enough.  Instead he seems to be withholding. There's no sex of any kind. No bondage at all---he hasn't even replaced my collar which broke around Christmas.  Comments on lack of it every now & again, but has done absolutely nothing to replace it.  ... Mon, 27 Feb 2006 14:12:04 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Promises-cause-I-forget-the-other-ID/19/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Promises-cause-I-forget-the-other-ID/19/ He hates to drive in the city. He almost always wants me to. So when he got out on Sunday to run into a store I took over the wheel because we weren't really parking.  He didn't want to drive, so let me do so. We did the errands, visted a friend and headed home.  Ok.  7pm and he hasn't had a drink yet...but he drank 3x normal the night before.  We get all the way in, dodging a traffic snarl, using a slightly different route.  We get to the block before his office...a trip we make every single day...and he said he still didn't know where he was.  The GPS was doing its usual trick of ignoring the nearer intersection in favour of the one after, and I reminded him that her "stay left" was actually for the next turn, and he needed to stay right at this fork.  he yelled what lane and I said this one.  he said what one and started moving left.  i already told him not to and said stay in this one.  he said what one....i said where you are.  we have done that... Mon, 27 Feb 2006 13:57:08 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/driving/18/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/driving/18/ I thought I'd store this email which I sent to my friends just before Christmas...to remind myself how I am controlled....in case I forget! ****  We are getting along very well lately, and his support & faith in  my during my course was phenomenal!  I do feel loved, and I do want  all things to work out. Sure, we have rough spots, but everyone  does.  Thing is, this was a true trust thing on his part, and I'm  not going to jeopardise how we're doing.  Despite the way it looks,  I believe that this is a huge step for him, and us, and I'm going  to do my best to make things work even better! I do understand where he's coming from on this, and I appreciate  it--his strength & resolve--even though the old me kept telling him  that I couldn't disappoint them.  He is right, and I believe he  made the right decision for me.  Here's the excerpt:  "They got the reference & offered me a job... Thu, 19 Jan 2006 11:19:36 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Protected-or-just-plain-abused/17/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Protected-or-just-plain-abused/17/ I will never ever understand people who have to pick on someone else to make themselves feel better.  It seems>>no, happens<< that I cannot do anything right.  No matter what I do it is wrong.  Okay, honestly, sometimes there is thanks or praise for something, but it is almost always followed with a criticism of it or something else which then cancels out the so-called good stuff. I know its petty...but it was socks yesterday.  Socks!  The matching of!!  I get up early, give him his pills, get brekkie ready, get him up, prep his bath, make the bed while he tends to his personal stuff, lay out his clothes, make his lunch, do the dishes, take his stuff down to the car, drive him to work.... and he complained that the socks weren't paired properly.  He has 3 pairs of black socks exactly the same...and they weren't right?  He pulled them apart & started to examine them...and then found that there wasn't a clear match in any case.  Still, he... Wed, 18 Jan 2006 17:08:53 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/to-err-is-human/16/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/to-err-is-human/16/ I really just wanted my life to pick up...really I did.  I was sick & tired of being used by everyone.  Sure I did things that I wanted to do...but I did expect a little thanks.  A little.  I gave...wholeheartedly. but more & more resentment built...and instead of finding a proper way to talk about it &  release it all, I took the wrong path. I don't feel guilty or regretful about what happened.  My life had to change...but perhaps it was  a bit too radical.  I see now that it was so terribly out of character, and I wonder how on earth I could have ever done such a thing...intricately planning & wildly acting!  But now I face some of the same challenges...in my new relationship...and I feel that burn that makes me want to find fun somewhere...anywhere!!  I know I'm being taken care of, very well in fact, in many ways....but I'm missing some of the essential things I wanted in my life.  I left so much behind to come... Thu, 22 Dec 2005 11:32:19 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Confusion/15/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Confusion/15/ Words, words, words...I'm so sick of words I get words all day through first from him now from you is that all you blighters can do??????????   Well...that really does say it all, doesn't it?  I'm in a slightly different predicament than Eliza, but it still all boils down to WORDS versus ACTION!!! He tells me he loves me.  He puts the Merc in my name.  Then he criticizes ridiculously trivial things.  He notes the lack of my collar on the way to his office Christmas party, and sternly says I should have asked permission to remove it.  I remind him that he told me the first day he placed it around my neck that I was to remove it whenever we would be in non-understanding/potentially offended company.  I have removed it myself many times, when picking him up from work if he's said he's giving someone a lift...and he has praised me.  Now suddenly I've made a mistake???!!! There is more than that happening on a daily basis...and I remembered... Mon, 19 Dec 2005 12:25:22 +0100 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/words-deeds/14/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/words-deeds/14/ OK....I'm ranting today....but I've had enough!!  I haven't had internet access to vent enough lately, so I'm doing it all at once!!  Sorry... The last ex-mrs has really done it this time.  Because she is still the financial director of his company she has control of the finances where he doesn't understand or follow.  We wanted a flat in London since his new contract is at least 6 months, and I am tired of living in a hotel & packing every thing up every Friday, doing all the laundry & repacking over the weekend...and moving in again on Sunday.  The food is boring and unhealthy...and we never cuddle.  She was to make the financial exchanges.  It turns out, as I shall type out my notes one day for details, that she lied in at least 3 occasions over 2 weeks as we waited for a fund transfer that was never going to happen.  It finally became clear to him that things weren't as she was telling him they were....and even though he wouldn't listen to me that... Tue, 18 Oct 2005 12:02:37 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/that-EX-again-should-I-share/13/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/that-EX-again-should-I-share/13/ I miss when my girlfriend & I used to have face to face conversations!  She would carry on about how awful things were, and I could look into her eyes & her soul and draw things out of her to help her see her path.  We had many late nights, and even after she figured out what I was doing instead of giving her advice, she still wanted to talk.  Now she's having trouble and all she can write to me is that she can't talk to me about her problems with her Master because she doesn't want my Master to read them.  Only a few months ago she yelled that she would never let him get between us.  Now she pulls the guilt card.  I'm tired.  I keep giving to this relationship and she keeps taking & giving me grief in return.  I needed her help & understanding and she turned on me and said I was the root of her problems.  She comes back, all apologetic....and then pulls this. I wish we had "SLAP-O-VISION"!!!!!!!!   smiles, ... Tue, 18 Oct 2005 11:52:51 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/need-more-than-webcam-need-virtual-interaction/12/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/need-more-than-webcam-need-virtual-interaction/12/ My Mom's operation went beautifully!  They decided to give her an epidural rather than general, so they could continue to coax her breathing.  Everything went smoothly, and she came home on Sunday!!  The flowers I sent her were still fresh enough to enjoy, so I'm glad I did that too! My Dad had his blood tests yesterday.  He's got Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia (CLL) diagnosed in 2002, but not anything to worry about...until a few months ago.  His "count" went up to Level 3, something like 30...and they put him on oral chemotherapy for a few weeks.  They re-did the blood tests in August and he was still 18, so they decided to do another round of the oral chemo.  I think the fact that he's the primary (and really solitary) caregiver for my Mom influenced the doctor's decision not to do any more invasive / debilitating treatment.  Well...his count is now 6.9...and they were only aiming to get it down to 11!!!  Hurray!!!  They are both smiling now...and... Thu, 08 Sep 2005 15:43:44 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Blessings-Peace-at-last/11/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Blessings-Peace-at-last/11/ My mother has always tried her best...at everything, for everyone, all the time. She worked hard when my siblings and I were young, both at home with us, and at her out-of-the-home job while she could. She took seriously ill when I was 12...she developed Crohn's Disease before doctors really knew what they were looking at. I became like a mother to my mother, and my siblings. It has not been an easy life for her...she often wished she just had a broken arm so people would see her handicap instead of judging her on how she was with her invisible disease. I have given of myself to care for her and protect most of my life. Thank goodness my father is as strong as he is...he is truly her soulmate and saviour. But I have been there, at the drop of a hat sometimes, when she needed me. I remember the year that my family & I were travelling out west. I had a couple of very sleepless nights, and decided to call home. My mother was in the hospital nearly in a coma with 104 temperature...and my dad was so... Tue, 23 Aug 2005 12:11:09 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/My-Mother-my-self/10/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/My-Mother-my-self/10/ Well, the business bank statement arrived yesterday and it brought many old queries back to mind.  Ex-wife #4 is really getting to me.... He still has not explained how she got a £25/week raise, and acts as if she's always been paid that much, even though I brought it to his attention that it went up the week I returned from my visit to my family. She paid over £3000 off something, and I'm just hoping its the business credit card, even though I can't see the connection because it's not called by the same name. There are 2 loan payments in her & his names...and I thought he was only paying off 1 past debt from their marriage. And, best of all, the reason why we didn't have the money in the bank that we expected to on the weekend was......she suddenly changed our payday from Friday to Monday!!  He just kinda shrugged and walked away from me.  That seems like a big deal to me, since it was his embarrassment & inconvenience when he found that the ATM wasn't giving up any... Tue, 23 Aug 2005 10:47:06 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Administratively-thinking/9/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Administratively-thinking/9/ OK...so I couldn't wait until my next chance online to say it.  I HATE being the "next" wife.  I thought I could handle it, because we were getting together for an entirely different reason than the other*s* ....but I was never so wrong!!!! Ex-wife #1 - He never talks about her.  His parents loved her, thought she was great.  They married young (he doesn't remember exactly when, but I figure about 1975ish when he was 24ish) & they were married likely over 10 years. He cheated on her while she was going to uni to become a doc.  He won't talk about why they split up really, other than to say it was her mother's fault since she never really liked him, thought he was below her daughter's potential.   Ex-wife #2...mother of his only child, a son - He hates her with a passion, because she fooled around on him.  The fact that she moved to this country to be with him, had his child, just got to know the neighbours in their small village...and then got moved 300... Mon, 22 Aug 2005 11:49:17 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/much-ado-about-ex-s/8/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/much-ado-about-ex-s/8/ I really did set up this blog just to be able to keep personal thoughts for future reference.  Without privacy at home, I need to keep a record of things that might become important later....or even just to let my thoughts out of my head because I have no one to talk to! Our phone line at home is down, supposedly because we ordered broadband and because we live way out in the country something has gone wrong with the line upgrade.  My fear is that it has actually been disconnected because we didn't pay the bill...and that would be my fault because I didn't pass the bill along to the accountant as soon as we got it.  Why it can't just go on a standing order like everything else, since its a consistent amount, I don't understand. Actually, I DO understand, but I'm supposed to behaving in my self-restricted "dumb blonde" attitude.  He had a little tantrum about it last week, and made me feel really bad...and doesn't even know why I feel the way I do.  So, I decided that... Mon, 22 Aug 2005 11:20:52 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Record-keeping/7/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Record-keeping/7/ A comment I made on my friend's website...and her response: The Burden of Friendship —  Friday, May 13, 2005, 12:12:10 PM "A friend in need is a friend indeed!" There is no greater joy than having your friend stand by you, through the pain and the storm, so that you can come out the other side to huggggg them and thank them for all they've put up with. Yes, this is a very special thank you to whisper for all her love and support even though she wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. I now have the tools I need to lift my head and move forward...and hopefully make the happiness that she has found for herself. Just a little bit of advice...if you have a friend who is putting a burden on you that you're not sure you want to put up with anymore...please think of their smiles & hugggs when they make it! Guaranteed to be worth it!!! quietly Her response: thank you.... Whisper Friday, May 13, 2005—1:37:32 PM with all my love.....you are NEVER a... Fri, 12 Aug 2005 14:33:00 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/The-Burden-of-Friendship/6/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/The-Burden-of-Friendship/6/ Dorothy Parker said "Constant use will not wear ragged the fabric of friendship."  But I am beginning to doubt that.  In the tough times I have been going through, I have leaned heavily on my friends...too heavily it seems.  I have faced the whole gamut of emotions over this past week because I lost my dearest friend.  No, she didn't pass away, but she has cut me off from her life.  She told me not to send her any more emails of any kind. And her Master has told me to give her space. I don't really understand what I did wrong...except to overburden my friend.  She has joined me on this submissive journey when she realized that I had opened myself up to be the real me.  She has different goals than I, and she believes she has found the One who will help her achieve them.  I have never forced my opinion on her, about any of her decisions.  We always talked things through, slowly, methodically, and often, emotionally.  I asked her questions rather than... Fri, 12 Aug 2005 14:26:21 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/A-Friend-is/5/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/A-Friend-is/5/ another past blog: 29.07.2005 at 14:09 quelling anxiety Walking around in London, England is not as easy as it used to be.  Yesterday there were so many more police officers noticeable, especially flocks of motorcycle cops.  Today I have felt uneasy with every police siren that has screamed down the street beside me.  Walking beside a bus doesn't really bother me anymore, but there are enough other things to raise suspicions. I know I will get past all this....it is the least of my worries really.  I just wanted to write it down, in case anyone reading it has the same concerns, or difficulty getting past it.  I'm glad the police are more visible...that will help keep all crime down in general.  We do all have a single enemy now, and we are all united in our trust in the human spirit to bring any clues to the fore. London is still a wonderful city, and I'm not going to stay away for any such silly reason.  There's still so much to... Fri, 12 Aug 2005 14:02:11 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/lastpastblog/4/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/lastpastblog/4/ from my other blog...which I had to delete 14.07.2005 at 11:55 Tears keep flowing... Mood: sad One week ago today I was in this same spot, using the Shoe Lane Library computer off Faringdon Road in London, England. I am less than 1 mile from the bomb sites. I had no idea it was happening while I was here...and had I walked over here, I might have been within blocks when the bus blew up. Those are frightening thoughts...but not totally appropriate, as nothing happened to me. My heart has cried out for those people who were innocent victims--those killed, those injured, those rescuing, those watching, and those related to anyone involved in whatever way. Today at noon we will pause and remember...and unabashedly cry on the streets...and hope soooooo hard that it will not happen again. But my tears are not just for strangers. I also cry for my dearest soul-mate friend who is so obviously in pain in her heart. Whisper is truly a gentle soul and loves openly and fully...and has faced... Fri, 12 Aug 2005 13:59:29 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/backblogs/3/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/backblogs/3/ My goodness...I am blessed to have people who have taken time to share with me!  Thank you all for your words of support, and I am taking them all under consideration.  He is still changing (I find it hard to believe also)...and when I made up my list of pros & cons this morning, the cons are only grey now, instead of striking black! Take good care of yourselves, and I hope to have more time to write next week! Many hugggs, quietly Thu, 28 Jul 2005 17:34:36 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Thank-you/2/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/Thank-you/2/ I was talking with a friend yesterday who said now that she was single again her home was now her sanctuary.  While she had a partner living with her, her home had become dark and uninviting. She preferred to work long hours rather than come home.  It was almost her prison. Now that she is an independent woman again her home is warm and filled with joy.  She once again has a sanctuary. Allow me to go back to the winter of 2001/2002. I took ill in the fall of 2001.  I "hid" in my bedroom for a while, and then ventured to the study to use the pc to go to chatrooms looking for help for my deteriorating condition.  I was deeply depressed and could not pull myself up.  That study became my sanctuary.  One chatter took me under his wing and helped me to value myself again. I was able to return to work before the end of the year. Then I made a special space at work. I was still going through some major stresses, and managed to block off a corner of my cubicle from... Fri, 22 Jul 2005 14:42:29 +0200 http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/a-safe-place-sanctuary/1/ http://www.blogigo.co.uk/quietlytroubled/a-safe-place-sanctuary/1/