Confusion
Mood: confused
I really just wanted my life to pick up...really I did. I was sick & tired of being used by everyone. Sure I did things that I wanted to do...but I did expect a little thanks. A little. I gave...wholeheartedly. but more & more resentment built...and instead of finding a proper way to talk about it & release it all, I took the wrong path.
I don't feel guilty or regretful about what happened. My life had to change...but perhaps it was a bit too radical. I see now that it was so terribly out of character, and I wonder how on earth I could have ever done such a thing...intricately planning & wildly acting!
But now I face some of the same challenges...in my new relationship...and I feel that burn that makes me want to find fun somewhere...anywhere!! I know I'm being taken care of, very well in fact, in many ways....but I'm missing some of the essential things I wanted in my life.
I left so much behind to come here. I gave up--literally gave up my family--my kids, my parents, my best friends...and my job/career (which I could have perhaps found another way to improve...everything.
I give so much...cleaning & clearing...cooking & organizing...giving in on things I want to do, things I want to eat, things I want to buy...without him even thinking about my sacrifices because I don't make a fuss about them. He makes snide and cruel remarks about odours...but never ever thinks of all I do in ignoring/putting up with his. The goop he leaves in the bathroom sink...its incredible to me that one human being can make such a mess in 20 minutes! But its clean & shiny the next time he wants it. He previews tons of videos he downloads...saying he wants to find things "we" like...but what he means is things HE likes. I say they look painful, he just repeats that he really likes it and would love to try it on me. And he deletes the ones that turn me on. Can't show men. Don't wanna see men. Hey...why should looking at 2 women turn me on????!!!!! But yes, at least we viewed them together. He didn't sit away on his own like he used to at home, in his study which is so cluttered up that its difficult any time I have to weave my way in to talk to him or look at something on his screen because he's asked me to.
Yes....this is just a sample of how upset I am...and when the four letter words tumble out of my mouth before 8 in the morning I realize that I am not me. I have lost me. This is someone of his making...and I'm not happy.
But I will keep trying. I want lots of what I have...but its lacking the intimacy I thought we were going to continue with. I want to restart my imagination...pick up where we left off months ago...but it just isn't happening. My resentment is getting in the way more often than not.
Last night he showed interest after we got home, because we'd been talking about his boss seeing me drop him off in the morning, and the uniform I should be wearing as his chauffeur. He suggested I should wear my corset (yes, he bought me a lovely red satin corset for Christmas, and gave it to me early so I could wear it to the party we attended on Saturday--it was a family type party, and I felt totally inappropriately dressed with my boobs under my chin!) so I stripped down. He continued to talk about work as he laid on the bed in his underwear, and I waited, having laid out the corset. As he talked about work, things calmed down...and then he got up & got dressed in his jeans. I said something about it being over...I don't honestly remember what I said...and he said something that sounded like a confirmation...so I put on my sweater again. I went to do something in the kitchen...and he said something like, so you don't fancy playing then? I spoke my confusion, and went into the bedroom to strip again. I waited on the bed. Nothing. He brought me wine and sat on his side of the bed & picked up the Bizarre book. Said nothing. I went into the bathroom, none too quietly...and plucked my eyebrows & other strays. He came looking for me to see if I was alright. Don't look into my red eyes, I thought. He didn't, of course. I went back into the bedroom where he was again reclined, fully clothed, reading the book. I bent over in front of him & picked up the other volume. Nothing. I sat on my side & started my book. As time passed, I put my legs under the duvet as they were getting cold. Finally, after nodding off a few times, I noticed the time & said I'd best make dinner--2 hours had passed!!
After dinner he started downloading...we watched....went off to bed.
yes, I blew it ...so I shouldn't complain. That's life. I could have made it more exciting...even though he knew I'd walked miles around the city centre yesterday after attending his office lunchtime drink which I didn't want to attend...and went off with a friend of ours for afternoon shopping. I decided I was going to buy me something...but couldn't find anything until I got around the corner from his office to meet him after 5...and so he got to see the shoes & skirt I'd picked out........for a whopping £21!!!! I was so afraid he was going to criticize me...but he didn't. Thank goodness. So, he's not so bad. sometimes
gotta go!
