quietly troubled...silently searching...hopefully waiting

Mood: sad, hopeful, guilty,

My mother has always tried her best...at everything, for everyone, all the time. She worked hard when my siblings and I were young, both at home with us, and at her out-of-the-home job while she could. She took seriously ill when I was 12...she developed Crohn's Disease before doctors really knew what they were looking at. I became like a mother to my mother, and my siblings. It has not been an easy life for her...she often wished she just had a broken arm so people would see her handicap instead of judging her on how she was with her invisible disease.

I have given of myself to care for her and protect most of my life. Thank goodness my father is as strong as he is...he is truly her soulmate and saviour. But I have been there, at the drop of a hat sometimes, when she needed me. I remember the year that my family & I were travelling out west. I had a couple of very sleepless nights, and decided to call home. My mother was in the hospital nearly in a coma with 104 temperature...and my dad was so distraught. Between my husband & I, we drove over 1000 miles that day & night to get to her side. Even though the visiting hours were over, the nurses kindly let me go into her ward, just to hold her hand for a few minutes. To everyone's amazement, she spoke to me and then went back to sleep. Her fever broke that night, and she recouperated. She has often said, before that night, and since, that I am her strength. I am proud to be my mother's daughter.

However, I have been a disappointment to my mother in that my marriage broke up and I left my grown children to move to another country. She doesn't see me very often any more, and her grandchildren won't visit her. I guess they feel that she supported me in leaving them...and she did take me in, even though I know it bothered her deeply. My sister won't talk to her anymore, for about the same reason, and she's prohibited her kids as well. An ache that will never dull for my parents or myself.

I bring this to the fore because my mother is going to have a serious operation on Monday. She has a large kidney stone which has caused a number of infections over the past couple of years, and it has to be removed. She is terribly overweight, and has had breathing difficulties since before she gave up smoking. The anesthesiologist (sp?) is very worried about her...as am I. Unfortunately the decision to operate came after I returned to the UK in June, so I'm not able to be there with her. It's almost killing me, as I consider the complications and possibilities...but it's just not going to happen. Please don't criticize me on this...I've accepted it, and so has she. Yesterday on the phone she said she'd be fine. Brave woman...as always.

I ask you to include her in your prayers and thoughts on Monday. I know she'll appreciate it...as will I. And I shall gain my strength to get through this from all of you.

Bless you,
quietly

Mood: suspicious

Well, the business bank statement arrived yesterday and it brought many old queries back to mind.  Ex-wife #4 is really getting to me....

He still has not explained how she got a £25/week raise, and acts as if she's always been paid that much, even though I brought it to his attention that it went up the week I returned from my visit to my family.

She paid over £3000 off something, and I'm just hoping its the business credit card, even though I can't see the connection because it's not called by the same name.

There are 2 loan payments in her & his names...and I thought he was only paying off 1 past debt from their marriage.

And, best of all, the reason why we didn't have the money in the bank that we expected to on the weekend was......she suddenly changed our payday from Friday to Monday!!  He just kinda shrugged and walked away from me.  That seems like a big deal to me, since it was his embarrassment & inconvenience when he found that the ATM wasn't giving up any dosh, and he was worried the grocery store would refuse him as well.  Turns out it was our bank network that was down, not our balance....fortunately....but still, why was the payday changed?????  And why doesn't he call her on it???!!!!!

He's afraid of her.  He worries himself into a state before he has to call her on the phone, and much prefers to just send her an email.  He doesn't want to call her till after he's had a pint or 2...and often then it ends up too late to call her (9:30pm???)!  When he does get riled up enough to request information on the accounts from her and sends her an email....he doesn't pursue the lack of actual answers in her submission.

She has repeatedly/deliberately failed/neglected (refused, in a word) to give us a copy of the business credit card statement for over a year now.  She says its because its in her name.  That's the way they set up the business...even though logic would tell you to get a card in the company name from the financial institution which handles your account.  Then she says that his purchases are the only ones on it so he doesn't need to worry.  Maybe he doesn't....but that REALLY WORRIES ME to hear her justify like that.  So why can't we have a copy of it then???? For the past 3 years since they ceased their personal relationship????

Could it be that there have been other purchases put on it that he hasn't approved...like the £500 printer/copier/fax machine that she bought in 2003 without even asking him!!!!

I get blamed for receipts not being submitted in a timely manner, so she can't pay them off to the credit card company.  I'd like to know how far behind we are in the payments, what our carrying balance is, how much interest we pay, etc. 

He is legally responsible for whatever goes on with his business....but he doesn't want to upset her by asking her to provide basic accountability for the books.  This is when I'm actually glad that he hasn't made me a Director of his company....so I won't be the one going to jail with them!!!!!

quietly

Mood: bitter?

OK...so I couldn't wait until my next chance online to say it.  I HATE being the "next" wife.  I thought I could handle it, because we were getting together for an entirely different reason than the other*s* ....but I was never so wrong!!!!

Ex-wife #1 - He never talks about her.  His parents loved her, thought she was great.  They married young (he doesn't remember exactly when, but I figure about 1975ish when he was 24ish) & they were married likely over 10 years. He cheated on her while she was going to uni to become a doc.  He won't talk about why they split up really, other than to say it was her mother's fault since she never really liked him, thought he was below her daughter's potential.

Ex-wife #2...mother of his only child, a son - He hates her with a passion, because she fooled around on him.  The fact that she moved to this country to be with him, had his child, just got to know the neighbours in their small village...and then got moved 300 miles away to a large city where she knew no one and couldn't get around because of the baby.  He was always travelling for his job, often to the US & Japan & far east for weeks on end.  I don't have any lack of understanding as to why they broke up, or why she needed a man to show he loved her....The big error she made was in leaving her son to him and then returning to the country to take him to court for custody--and winning!  Then she moved her son back near the country village where he was born, where she had friends for support....and wife #4 became very important to him....

Ex-would-be-wife #3 - An american businesswoman.  Worked with her off & on over a year, played with her "raging hormones" I've been repeatedly reminded of, and stayed at her huge house in Texas for a month with his son while he had custody of him.  Don't really know why that broke up...except wife #2 might have started that legal action mentioned above when she thought he might be trying to move to the USA, which I wouldn't be surprised at!!

Ex-wife #4 - Marriage of convenience.  She needed a decent provider for her 2 children by different liasons...he needed a "stable" home environment for the custody battle for his son.  She started dating him while the father of her youngest was still in the picture, but supposedly he didn't know he was.  Her history shows that she's a gold-digger, but not with high rollers...just with easy middle class targets.  She played his games so he'd spend his money on her & the kids...and once she got moved into the house, she supposedly stopped playing.  He spent countless hours prepping & presenting his custody case, and married her to seal the deal.  Her name went on the deed to the house, and everything was peachy...until he lost the battle.  He drank heavily, sulked in his study, and plotted how to get back at his ex #2.  Suddenly one day he sold the house & moved the whole family across the country to the small village where ex #2 had taken the son....uprooting this wife from her hometown, family & friends of her whole life, not to mention her 9 & 4 year old children from their stable lives.  He spent the bulk of the profit from the sale of the house on rent for a stately home near ex #2 to make her feel jealous.  Great house, great property...but son only got to visit every other weekend.  Judge quoted "sibling rivalry" with same aged stepdaughter.  Money ran out a year later, and they moved into a smaller terrace near a city centre.  Not best for kids, but attractive to young teenage son who would often come into town centre with friends, and could often be invited to stay over. 

I feel sorry for these victims...indeed, that is what they are.  He used each one of them...and now uses/abuses me.  I thought what I was offering him would overcome the difficulties I understood had occurred in his previous marriages.  In some ways it has.  Unfortunately, because of his own low self esteem and victim attitude (it was all his wives' faults for the breakups) he takes an extra strong hand with me.

However, in looking more closely at each of these failed relationships, I have noticed his insistence on separating the wife from her support group---family & friends.  So its not necessarily that I'm from another country, its just his thing to try to make his women totally dependant on him.

Well, ex-wife #4 is constantly involved in my life.  She is still the Financial Director of the limited company they set up while they were married.  She isn't letting go, and he isn't pushing her out.  He gets riled when she does something inappropriate with the funds, and tells me to research how to change company officers, or even to set up a new company...but then he cools off & lets it all slide.  I bring discrepancies in the bank statement to his attention, and he chastizes me that she's very good at what she does & knows what she's doing. 

That's probably my greatest fear....she DOES KNOW what she's doing, and that he doesn't understand finances and won't check up on her.  She has 1 child still living at home (she moved in with their previous next-door neighbour when she separated from Mine), and would not likely ever go to jail if she was doing something illegal.  In the meantime, I see money disappearing from the company account...and even if she was charged, we'd never get that money back. 

But I know nothing.  I'm not familiar with British Law.  I can't do her job.  I'm not reliable.  That's what he screamed at me the other night.  I'm not reliable.  Granted, he also said she wasn't...and the outbreak was due to something she wasn't doing that he'd asked for....but still, I was lumped in with someone he doesn't care about.

So....where does that leave me???  See why I've decided to be a "dumb blonde"?  Ignorance is bliss...and I intend to be happy.......

Mood: despondent

I really did set up this blog just to be able to keep personal thoughts for future reference.  Without privacy at home, I need to keep a record of things that might become important later....or even just to let my thoughts out of my head because I have no one to talk to!

Our phone line at home is down, supposedly because we ordered broadband and because we live way out in the country something has gone wrong with the line upgrade.  My fear is that it has actually been disconnected because we didn't pay the bill...and that would be my fault because I didn't pass the bill along to the accountant as soon as we got it.  Why it can't just go on a standing order like everything else, since its a consistent amount, I don't understand.

Actually, I DO understand, but I'm supposed to behaving in my self-restricted "dumb blonde" attitude.  He had a little tantrum about it last week, and made me feel really bad...and doesn't even know why I feel the way I do.  So, I decided that for the peace of mind I MUST HAVE to survive, I shall be the quintessential "dumb blonde" in every way.

It's not easy, as my mind keeps preparing and planning and trying to fix as usual...but that's not going to work.  Until he realizes that I do contribute to OUR relationship, I'm not giving any more of myself.  If things go wrong, he can blame me, and for a change they will actually be my fault because I didn't do them.

So, I'm out to prove a point.  I want him to appreciate me.  I want him to show he loves me, for me, not just because I let him tie me up.  I want him to need me.  I want to be more important to him than any of his ex-wives.....but that's another blog!

quietly

Mood: confused & hurt

A comment I made on my friend's website...and her response:

The Burden of Friendship— Friday, May 13, 2005, 12:12:10 PM
"A friend in need is a friend indeed!" There is no greater joy than having your friend stand by you, through the pain and the storm, so that you can come out the other side to huggggg them and thank them for all they've put up with.

Yes, this is a very special thank you to whisper for all her love and support even though she wasn't sure I was doing the right thing. I now have the tools I need to lift my head and move forward...and hopefully make the happiness that she has found for herself.

Just a little bit of advice...if you have a friend who is putting a burden on you that you're not sure you want to put up with anymore...please think of their smiles & hugggs when they make it! Guaranteed to be worth it!!!

quietly

Her response:

thank you....
Whisper
Friday, May 13, 2005—1:37:32 PM
with all my love.....you are NEVER a burden....you are my friend....my earth-angel.....my spirit guide. you have been there for me through the worst of times and now that i am blessed with a Godsend in my life, i am stronger to be able to focus on yours.

friends eternally
whisper

what did I misunderstand?????

Mood: blue

Dorothy Parker said "Constant use will not wear ragged the fabric of friendship."  But I am beginning to doubt that.  In the tough times I have been going through, I have leaned heavily on my friends...too heavily it seems.  I have faced the whole gamut of emotions over this past week because I lost my dearest friend.  No, she didn't pass away, but she has cut me off from her life.  She told me not to send her any more emails of any kind. And her Master has told me to give her space.

I don't really understand what I did wrong...except to overburden my friend.  She has joined me on this submissive journey when she realized that I had opened myself up to be the real me.  She has different goals than I, and she believes she has found the One who will help her achieve them.  I have never forced my opinion on her, about any of her decisions.  We always talked things through, slowly, methodically, and often, emotionally.  I asked her questions rather than giving her my opinion, because at the end of the day only we are responsible for our decisions and making them happen.

Now she has told me she can't abide what I'm going through....and has decided that cutting me off is the only way she can continue her own training...she said that I was hampering her progress and her submissiveness.

Do I sound angry?  Part of me is...I have stood with her through her many relationships and never interferred, only lent gentle guidance.  It is as though she wants things her way or no way.

Do I sound lonely?  I am now.  She was the only friend who understood what I needed and where I was going in my life...she was my sister in the lifestyle, and I have shared my deepest thoughts with her.  I thought we would support each other at all times and through all situations.  I was going to be made the legal guardian of her children....she loved me that much.

We are 5000 miles apart...so I can't just show up at her door and hugggg her to make it all better.  I have tried calling at work and at home over the past month, but she never took my calls or returned them. 

Sometimes I need another woman to talk to...someone who will understand...and NOT judge.  In the words of Emily Dickinson, "I felt it shelter to speak to you."  Even though it was usually only email, it was still comfort and personal.  Now.....

quietly

another past blog:

29.07.2005 at 14:09

quelling anxiety

Walking around in London, England is not as easy as it used to be.  Yesterday there were so many more police officers noticeable, especially flocks of motorcycle cops.  Today I have felt uneasy with every police siren that has screamed down the street beside me.  Walking beside a bus doesn't really bother me anymore, but there are enough other things to raise suspicions.

I know I will get past all this....it is the least of my worries really.  I just wanted to write it down, in case anyone reading it has the same concerns, or difficulty getting past it.  I'm glad the police are more visible...that will help keep all crime down in general.  We do all have a single enemy now, and we are all united in our trust in the human spirit to bring any clues to the fore.

London is still a wonderful city, and I'm not going to stay away for any such silly reason.  There's still so much to see......

Smiles,

quietly

from my other blog...which I had to delete

14.07.2005 at 11:55