Mood: consoled
My goodness...I am blessed to have people who have taken time to share with me! Thank you all for your words of support, and I am taking them all under consideration. He is still changing (I find it hard to believe also)...and when I made up my list of pros & cons this morning, the cons are only grey now, instead of striking black!
Take good care of yourselves, and I hope to have more time to write next week!
Many hugggs,
quietly
I was talking with a friend yesterday who said now that she was single again her home was now her sanctuary. While she had a partner living with her, her home had become dark and uninviting. She preferred to work long hours rather than come home. It was almost her prison.
Now that she is an independent woman again her home is warm and filled with joy. She once again has a sanctuary.
Allow me to go back to the winter of 2001/2002.
I took ill in the fall of 2001. I "hid" in my bedroom for a while, and then ventured to the study to use the pc to go to chatrooms looking for help for my deteriorating condition. I was deeply depressed and could not pull myself up. That study became my sanctuary. One chatter took me under his wing and helped me to value myself again. I was able to return to work before the end of the year.
Then I made a special space at work. I was still going through some major stresses, and managed to block off a corner of my cubicle from prying eyes...behind my coat rack. That may sound wacky...but I built up my inbox trays, bookcase & a poster on top of my file cabinet and then kept my trenchcoat at work to hang across my "doorway", making a very comfortable space big enough for my guest chair, my personal books (reflections & meditations), my CD player, my inflatable cushion, and my laptop so I could chat online to friends far away. I did all this on my lunchbreak, so don't think I was ripping off the employer.
That was my sanctuary. It was created after my typical sanctuary, my church, became less hospitable due to a misunderstanding/clashing of personalities with the Minister. I was no longer using my sanctuary to pour my heart out and soak the carpet as I lay prone before the altar...now I was using it to stay connected to people who cared. I had only met one of them in person, but they were all very helpful to me. One was the most inspiring, supportive and loving person I had met in a long time. Selflessly he gave time to me, helping me to cope in my darkening world. I felt safe there...and often remained after hours just to stay there.
Then my supervisor discovered my "sacred space" and took it away from me...moved me to the smallest cubicle in the unit, across from her own. Noise surrounded me from the main thoroughfare in the office to the mail/file room...people complaining to the supers about various things...and no sanctuary to retreat to. Standing taller than the cubicle sides, I couldn't even walk anywhere in the office without being noticed, so there was nowhere I could go. I was trapped.
I fled. They say when you're stressed or trapped, you only have 2 choices--fight or flee. I didn't have the strength to fight. I believed I had lost everything that was of value to me, and that no one truly cared except one person, whom I had never met. After much research, proof and faith, I decided to accept an invitation to meet him, in a foreign country.
I left every one of my lifebuoys behind. I stepped out on my own...and agreed to give myself to this man, sight unseen. When he placed his collar around my neck I was shaking with trepidation and anticipation. He turned out to be everything he'd said he was, everything I expected him to be, everything I wanted him to be. We had a wonderful 6 weeks together...and then I came home to pack up my things and move in with him. I took my treasures with me, things that would help me keep my friends close, but I couldn't take them. I was going too far away to keep up our friendships in the same way.
I gave up everything and everyone for this man, who is now my Master. Shocked? It is really what I have needed in my life. I need someone to protect me from the stronger forces in the world.
But recently, he has been the force which I have needed protection from. He has changed from who he was at the beginning, and our relationship has deteriorated in the past year and a half.
I need a sanctuary...and my friends. He just doesn't understand that.
He will have to
soon
