quietly troubled...silently searching...hopefully waiting

OK

Done a lot of thinking about options. Not going to live in fear. Got a letter from previous employer which has sparked my imagination and given me strength.

1. My job is open & worth $43,000

2. My house has to be sold...and should bring me at least $30,000

3. PEI has opportunity & loved ones. I could buy a place for a B&B...room for M&D & me & others

4. ON has kids & friends, and the job...but it would eat all my income. Still, good support, especially in London.

I could survive quite nicely, thank you.

Threats won't work anymore...but I think he knows that. He has not said anything nasty about my leaving or anything in months...so he must understand that I have been pushed far enough. 

Instead he seems to be withholding. There's no sex of any kind. No bondage at all---he hasn't even replaced my collar which broke around Christmas.  Comments on lack of it every now & again, but has done absolutely nothing to replace it. 

so I surf...like I did 5 years ago...a gal's gotta have fun!!

Mood: pissed off

He hates to drive in the city. He almost always wants me to. So when he got out on Sunday to run into a store I took over the wheel because we weren't really parking.  He didn't want to drive, so let me do so. We did the errands, visted a friend and headed home.  Ok.  7pm and he hasn't had a drink yet...but he drank 3x normal the night before.  We get all the way in, dodging a traffic snarl, using a slightly different route.  We get to the block before his office...a trip we make every single day...and he said he still didn't know where he was.  The GPS was doing its usual trick of ignoring the nearer intersection in favour of the one after, and I reminded him that her "stay left" was actually for the next turn, and he needed to stay right at this fork.  he yelled what lane and I said this one.  he said what one and started moving left.  i already told him not to and said stay in this one.  he said what one....i said where you are.  we have done that intersection at least 100 times in the last year...and he acts like he's never seen it!!  It absolutely drives me bonkers.  Like he had to have something to yell at me about or his stinking day isn't complete.  Not fair.

Mood: ok

I thought I'd store this email which I sent to my friends just before Christmas...to remind myself how I am controlled....in case I forget!

**** 

We are getting along very well lately, and his support & faith in 
my during my course was phenomenal!  I do feel loved, and I do want 
all things to work out. Sure, we have rough spots, but everyone 
does.  Thing is, this was a true trust thing on his part, and I'm 
not going to jeopardise how we're doing.  Despite the way it looks, 
I believe that this is a huge step for him, and us, and I'm going 
to do my best to make things work even better!

I do understand where he's coming from on this, and I appreciate 
it--his strength & resolve--even though the old me kept telling him 
that I couldn't disappoint them.  He is right, and I believe he 
made the right decision for me.

 Here's the excerpt:

 "They got the reference & offered me a job with a localoffice for 
minimum wage.  When I got the text about it while I was at training 
last week, I called the agency to confirm, because he agreed it was a 
good idea.  Since coming home, looking at the offer and considering 
its relevance to the next email I'm sending out, he has decided 
it is not the job for me.  He prefers for my British experience to 
center around ISMS and/or

 ***sorry, interruption here, as I was reading out my response and 
he would like you to know, in his own words:  [I] would 
completely absorb admin work...and never be respected for doing so. 
She is capable of significantly more, and has demonstrating this 
during this past week...by taking a leadership ISMS course...and I will not have her undermined or undervalued by performing menial tasks unless they are perceived as having strategic value to her future.

 ok?  As you can imagine...I feel sooooo valued and loved and well 
chuffed!!  I have to write the big email to everyone...and then go 
to bed.  He's off with his hot milk and is expecting me before he 
finishes it!"

 There you have it.  I couldn't say what I really thought at the 
time...I was still processing it...and I didn't want to insult him 
if he read it.

So, Monday morning he called the agency and told them I was sick 
with the flu (not far from the truth, as I was totally exhausted 
from the course & lack of sleep last week, and now have a runny 
nose & sneezies!)  and he left me in [the village] so I could 
recouperate.  He told them I wouldn't be available all week,  and 
maybe not next week either.  He did not tell them I wouldn't be 
taking that job, nor why, even though I did (reticently at the 
time) give him approval to do so.  You see, we do want me to get 
the 6 week fill-in job at his work in January, which will be posted 
through that agency, so I had to be on their register to apply.  Now I may  have jeopardized that opportunity, although he's willing to accept that as a consequence.  He wants my resume to be specialist now, not generalist, especially where it pertains to the UK.  I 
understand it all,, and appreciate him...its just not the courteous 
thing to do.

 So, there you have the next step in my life.  I passed the course, 
and he wants me to find something that will use those skills, not 
just any old job.  That's actually very supportive, although a bit 
embarrassing for me when there's a cancellation like that.  
However, the agent did know that I was only interested in her agency because of one specific job, which requires Security Clearance, which would rush my application through so I can then get a position as a security auditor somewhere.  Do you get it?  Its very complicated 
in some ways, and I'm still trying to reckon with it, as you can 
tell!!

 As I said, this email is being done at the library, just so I could 
explain things to you.  I don't normally do this, but I felt I had 
to, since a couple of you had asked & I kinda sidestepped the issue 
as I had to think it out.   Now that I am in complete agreement 
with his decision & support, I can address it "legally" if you 
want to write to me asking how the job hunt is going!

I am happy with the way things are going!!!  It truly is a show of his 
protection of me...and if feels great!!!

*****

okay...that's how it was.  Now that I reread it myself I do see the benefit of his decision, even though it still feels bad that I let the agency & the prospective employer down.  They even offered me another job yesterday, again at minimum wage (which I do not think I should ever accept, now that I'm coming around to his thinking) and I very easily said I wasn't interested and why.

What does bother me is whether he will ever actually allow me to work for anyone?  He is so used to being pampered that I don't think he wants to adjust.  Besides, when his contract in the city is up what happens if mine is still going...am I to just quit???  Is he standing in the way because he wants to control who I talk to?

One of the companies he worked with last week seemed a little interested in considering to take me on as an apprentice...probably at minimum wage, but in the exact area I want to concentrate on.  Again, he'll know them and be able to call & find out how I'm "adjusting" so I don't talk to/have lunch with anyone he doesn't approve of.  But at least I'd be getting valuable experience and adult  professional conversation!  If he'd only sit down with me to tailor my CV....

So, I'll wait before I make any complaints...I do rather like being a "woman of leisure" more or less.....

Mood: angry

I will never ever understand people who have to pick on someone else to make themselves feel better.  It seems>>no, happens<< that I cannot do anything right.  No matter what I do it is wrong.  Okay, honestly, sometimes there is thanks or praise for something, but it is almost always followed with a criticism of it or something else which then cancels out the so-called good stuff.

I know its petty...but it was socks yesterday.  Socks!  The matching of!!  I get up early, give him his pills, get brekkie ready, get him up, prep his bath, make the bed while he tends to his personal stuff, lay out his clothes, make his lunch, do the dishes, take his stuff down to the car, drive him to work....

and he complained that the socks weren't paired properly.  He has 3 pairs of black socks exactly the same...and they weren't right?  He pulled them apart & started to examine them...and then found that there wasn't a clear match in any case.  Still, he couldn't believe me. He had to check for himself.  He had to blame me for something.  He had to have a go at me before he started his day at the office.  I suppose that's because he can't pick on anyone there, so he has to get it out of his system.  Great. 

Well, I couldn't help myself...I felt stabbed to the core.  I work so hard for him..and all he ever does is criticize.  Something.  Last night it was marks on the carpet...a nice little trail of drips of something from the kitchen to his desk.  Gee, who could have done that??????  No, its my fault there's marks on the carpet.  Cream carpet / rented flat.  Great.

Did he apologize once he discovered he couldn't do any better?  Even when I dropped him off, all he did was say have a nice day...like a fucking cashier!  I'm sooooo important...it would serve him right if I died.  He'd have to do it all himself.

Death is a very real desire for me lately.  I just don't care enough about anything or anyone to need to stay.  If a truck came barrellling down on me I don't think I'd jump aside.  Too bad for the driver.  As long as I die.  I sure wouldn't want to depend on him to take care of me!!!!!!

Mood: confused

I really just wanted my life to pick up...really I did.  I was sick & tired of being used by everyone.  Sure I did things that I wanted to do...but I did expect a little thanks.  A little.  I gave...wholeheartedly. but more & more resentment built...and instead of finding a proper way to talk about it &  release it all, I took the wrong path.

I don't feel guilty or regretful about what happened.  My life had to change...but perhaps it was  a bit too radical.  I see now that it was so terribly out of character, and I wonder how on earth I could have ever done such a thing...intricately planning & wildly acting! 

But now I face some of the same challenges...in my new relationship...and I feel that burn that makes me want to find fun somewhere...anywhere!!  I know I'm being taken care of, very well in fact, in many ways....but I'm missing some of the essential things I wanted in my life. 

I left so much behind to come here.  I gave up--literally gave up my family--my kids, my parents, my best friends...and my job/career (which I could have perhaps found another way to improve...everything. 

I give so much...cleaning & clearing...cooking & organizing...giving in on things I want to do, things I want to eat, things I want to buy...without him even thinking about my sacrifices because I don't make a fuss about them.  He makes snide and cruel remarks about odours...but never ever thinks of all I do in ignoring/putting up with his.  The goop he leaves in the bathroom sink...its incredible to me that one human being can make such a mess in 20 minutes!  But its clean & shiny the next time he wants it.  He previews tons of videos he downloads...saying he wants to find things "we" like...but what he means is things HE likes.  I say they look painful, he just repeats that he really likes it and would love to try it on me.  And he deletes the ones that turn me on.  Can't show men.  Don't wanna see men.  Hey...why should looking at 2 women turn me on????!!!!!  But yes, at least we viewed them together.  He didn't sit away on his own like he used to at home, in his study which is so cluttered up that its difficult any time I have to weave my way in to talk to him or look at something on his screen because he's asked me to.

Yes....this is just a sample of how upset I am...and when the four letter words tumble out of my mouth before 8 in the morning I realize that I am not me.  I have lost me.  This is someone of his making...and I'm not happy. 

But I will keep trying.  I want lots of what I have...but its lacking the intimacy I thought we were going to continue with.  I want to restart my imagination...pick up where we left off months ago...but it just isn't happening.  My resentment is getting in the way more often than not.

Last night he showed interest after we got home, because we'd been talking about his boss seeing me drop him off in the morning, and the uniform I should be wearing as his chauffeur.  He suggested I should wear my corset (yes, he bought me a lovely red satin corset for Christmas, and gave it to me early so I could wear it to the party we attended on Saturday--it was a family type party, and I felt totally inappropriately dressed with my boobs under my chin!) so I stripped down.  He continued to talk about work as he laid on the bed in his underwear, and I waited, having laid out the corset.  As he talked about work, things calmed down...and then he got up & got dressed in his jeans.  I said something about it being over...I don't honestly remember what I said...and he said something that sounded like a confirmation...so I put on my sweater again.  I went to do something in the kitchen...and he said something like, so you don't fancy playing then?  I spoke my confusion, and went into the bedroom to strip again.  I waited on the bed.  Nothing.  He brought me wine and sat on his side of the bed & picked up the Bizarre book.  Said nothing.  I went into the bathroom, none too quietly...and plucked my eyebrows & other strays.  He came looking for me to see if I was alright.  Don't look into my red eyes, I thought.  He didn't, of course.  I went back into the bedroom where he was again reclined, fully clothed, reading the book.  I bent over in front of him & picked up the other volume.  Nothing.  I sat on my side & started my book.  As time passed, I put my legs under the duvet as they were getting cold.  Finally, after nodding off a few times, I noticed the time & said I'd best make dinner--2 hours had passed!! 

After dinner he started downloading...we watched....went off to bed. 

yes, I blew it ...so I shouldn't complain.  That's life.  I could have made it more exciting...even though he knew I'd walked miles around the city centre yesterday after attending his office lunchtime drink which I didn't want to attend...and went off with a friend of ours for afternoon shopping.  I decided I was going to buy me something...but couldn't find anything until I got around the corner from his office to meet him after 5...and so he got to see the shoes & skirt I'd picked out........for a whopping £21!!!!  I was so afraid he was going to criticize me...but he didn't.  Thank goodness.  So, he's not so bad. sometimes

 

gotta go!