quietly troubled...silently searching...hopefully waiting

 

Well, I finally found my old blog...and glad to have the proof of things I was only vaguely remembering.  So much has happened in just the past year and friends say the man was perfectly pleasant to them & they have no idea why I would leave.

 Why?

 Surely there are enough notes just in this blog to lay it all out. Forget the finishing touch that he sat on the porch and breathed angrily down on me as he slowly spat that he wished they had come for me and beat me...that he wanted to hear my bones break...that he sometimes thought he'd like to break them himself.

Would you stay with such a man? Does it matter what made him so angry? It is too possible for someone who is able to conceive of such thoughts and voice them to turn around and carry them out. A friend who works for the prison service said exactly that...ordinary men can do horrendous things without warning. Well, at least I got a warning...and I did something about it.

First I made my plan to get away before I could be isolated. He had told me I was to quit work and move back up to the house in the country where I would stay alone while he worked in London during the week. It's our separation all week that caused the problem! And alone up north. Alone. Sure, the neighbours are there every night, but would they expect to see me unless I made a point of doing so? Wouldn't that require some explanation, why I wanted to see them every day? And that still didn't protect me from his own threats on the weekends. Then there was also the point that he had the woman's phone number and had already called her at least once. What if he decided to tell her where I was and that I was alone, or send me to the store so I could get "picked up" somewhere away from home out in the country. All these things haunted me, scared me to death...more than simply being beaten up.

I quit my job as he said because I couldn't think straight. But the very first day I was alone at the flat I packed up my personal things (the few that were still there because we'd taken most of my things home already in preparation for my moving back home) and left.  I went to a women's shelter on the advice of a friend who wanted to help me but knew I needed more help than she could give.  She helped me tell my family and friends I was staying with her so they wouldn't worry...but I spent 2 weeks at the hostel getting counselling and trying to stop crying & worrying.

He called me every day, but I often couldn't talk to him. Then I got nasty sickening threatening texts from unknown sources and called the police. They couldn't do anything about it. They had been called by him and reported missing because I'd just left the flat without saying goodbye and he felt I'd been kidnapped. He couldn't understand why I wouldn't go home with him. Hadn't he seen me shaking and bug-eyed for the past 3 trips home as I worried that anything could happen on our drive if he got upset with me again? Didn't he wonder about my sanity when I cut my hair by almost a foot and dyed it dark?  Why didn't he get me help before I blew it all up in my mind so large that I couldn't cope with it?

People tried to give me money over the past couple of years for me to go home to Canada. One friend, who was his friend first, begged me to stay with her until I could get my things & fly home. I thought she'd blown my problems out of proportion and didn't understand commitment, so I declined the offer. I was just looking for someone to help me sort things out, not run away. But last spring when it all fell utterly apart, 2 other people offered me money and made me promise that I would not stay with him. Where are they now???

I left. I couldn't face him anymore. We tried counselling...I worked myself up to meet him downtown and go to the counsellor, but it wasn't doing any good because he didn't understand that he'd done anything wrong. Finally I accepted the help from my daughter and flew home to Canada.

She arranged for me to stay with my friend & her family because my daughter was living at boyfriend's mother's place. That was ok...but my friend's daughter was a ticking bomb and I was scared for the few things that I had salvaged from the UK and moved my things down to the basement to keep them safe (she had already hidden my bible because she was upset with me when her parents left her with me and I wouldn't let her call them). I slept on the couch--not getting to bed till nearly 11:30 most nights, up at 4 when the husband got up for work (unless we were kept up till 2ish by the tantrum queen in a fit) and then again at 6 when my friend got up and started yelling at the kids to get up. Fun, wow. I didn't sleep, I felt awkward eating in their house, doing things in their house (like showering)...I cleaned for them and babysat when the elder child would let me. I tried to find a job but hard times for all & it wasn't working for me either...and when I was alone, anywhere (bus stop, walking, basement, bathroom) I would just start crying. sobbing sometimes. I didn't know why. I was just a bundle of nerves.

My daughter called me (almost) every day. I couldn't say exactly what I wanted to if my friends were home. My daughter visited me once a week for a few hours. I know, she works fulltime shiftwork many miles away...but I needed someone I could talk to. I felt abandoned so many times.

Things broke down more with my friend when I decided to go & see my parents for Christmas. She became non-communicative when I tried to explain why I wanted to leave her & her family to celebrate Christmas their own way without worrying about me. I didn't know how  else to discuss it because she only had black & white to say and no compassion. After new years she sent me a demanding email. I tried to explain what was happening and why and she shut me down and demanded more and made a list of my problems, and her solution. I felt betrayed and overwhelmed and my stuff was being held hostage by her & her wicked destructive daughter.  I asked my daughter to make a date to get my stuff but she couldn't do it right away with me but would go on her own, but I didn't think that was the best way. When my friend finally accepted one of our available dates to come by she was completely silent and didn't even look at me until she was almost forced to at the end of the move because she still had something of mine. I tried to offer that last olive branch but the ice eminating from her cold stare just shut me down and I said thank you and goodbye.

She and my daughter then had it out (against my advice) and some nasty texts and emails were exchanged which I chose not to read. You can't out-argue someone like that, especially since she's only willing to do it via email, not when I'm standing right there to talk about it. Not in front of her husband & children who might hear something they know isn't true and therefore would destroy her integrity in their eyes.

Enough. I'm trying to get better. I am free now, of all other people's grasp. My daughter calls me when she can, my son takes my calls sometimes, my flat is a sublet over in a month, my new job just laid me off for 2 weeks and I didn't want to get out of bed today.

Other than that--I'm fine!

Oh, and that's my motto for this year (I don't do single resolutions but more encompassing life changes)...FINE in 2009!  Free, Intelligent, New & Energetic among other things!

 Thanks for letting me vent...I need to keep records somewhere.

huggs, quietly

xo

OK

Done a lot of thinking about options. Not going to live in fear. Got a letter from previous employer which has sparked my imagination and given me strength.

1. My job is open & worth $43,000

2. My house has to be sold...and should bring me at least $30,000

3. PEI has opportunity & loved ones. I could buy a place for a B&B...room for M&D & me & others

4. ON has kids & friends, and the job...but it would eat all my income. Still, good support, especially in London.

I could survive quite nicely, thank you.

Threats won't work anymore...but I think he knows that. He has not said anything nasty about my leaving or anything in months...so he must understand that I have been pushed far enough. 

Instead he seems to be withholding. There's no sex of any kind. No bondage at all---he hasn't even replaced my collar which broke around Christmas.  Comments on lack of it every now & again, but has done absolutely nothing to replace it. 

so I surf...like I did 5 years ago...a gal's gotta have fun!!

Mood: pissed off

He hates to drive in the city. He almost always wants me to. So when he got out on Sunday to run into a store I took over the wheel because we weren't really parking.  He didn't want to drive, so let me do so. We did the errands, visted a friend and headed home.  Ok.  7pm and he hasn't had a drink yet...but he drank 3x normal the night before.  We get all the way in, dodging a traffic snarl, using a slightly different route.  We get to the block before his office...a trip we make every single day...and he said he still didn't know where he was.  The GPS was doing its usual trick of ignoring the nearer intersection in favour of the one after, and I reminded him that her "stay left" was actually for the next turn, and he needed to stay right at this fork.  he yelled what lane and I said this one.  he said what one and started moving left.  i already told him not to and said stay in this one.  he said what one....i said where you are.  we have done that intersection at least 100 times in the last year...and he acts like he's never seen it!!  It absolutely drives me bonkers.  Like he had to have something to yell at me about or his stinking day isn't complete.  Not fair.

Mood: ok

I thought I'd store this email which I sent to my friends just before Christmas...to remind myself how I am controlled....in case I forget!

**** 

We are getting along very well lately, and his support & faith in 
my during my course was phenomenal!  I do feel loved, and I do want 
all things to work out. Sure, we have rough spots, but everyone 
does.  Thing is, this was a true trust thing on his part, and I'm 
not going to jeopardise how we're doing.  Despite the way it looks, 
I believe that this is a huge step for him, and us, and I'm going 
to do my best to make things work even better!

I do understand where he's coming from on this, and I appreciate 
it--his strength & resolve--even though the old me kept telling him 
that I couldn't disappoint them.  He is right, and I believe he 
made the right decision for me.

 Here's the excerpt:

 "They got the reference & offered me a job with a localoffice for 
minimum wage.  When I got the text about it while I was at training 
last week, I called the agency to confirm, because he agreed it was a 
good idea.  Since coming home, looking at the offer and considering 
its relevance to the next email I'm sending out, he has decided 
it is not the job for me.  He prefers for my British experience to 
center around ISMS and/or

 ***sorry, interruption here, as I was reading out my response and 
he would like you to know, in his own words:  [I] would 
completely absorb admin work...and never be respected for doing so. 
She is capable of significantly more, and has demonstrating this 
during this past week...by taking a leadership ISMS course...and I will not have her undermined or undervalued by performing menial tasks unless they are perceived as having strategic value to her future.

 ok?  As you can imagine...I feel sooooo valued and loved and well 
chuffed!!  I have to write the big email to everyone...and then go 
to bed.  He's off with his hot milk and is expecting me before he 
finishes it!"

 There you have it.  I couldn't say what I really thought at the 
time...I was still processing it...and I didn't want to insult him 
if he read it.

So, Monday morning he called the agency and told them I was sick 
with the flu (not far from the truth, as I was totally exhausted 
from the course & lack of sleep last week, and now have a runny 
nose & sneezies!)  and he left me in [the village] so I could 
recouperate.  He told them I wouldn't be available all week,  and 
maybe not next week either.  He did not tell them I wouldn't be 
taking that job, nor why, even though I did (reticently at the 
time) give him approval to do so.  You see, we do want me to get 
the 6 week fill-in job at his work in January, which will be posted 
through that agency, so I had to be on their register to apply.  Now I may  have jeopardized that opportunity, although he's willing to accept that as a consequence.  He wants my resume to be specialist now, not generalist, especially where it pertains to the UK.  I 
understand it all,, and appreciate him...its just not the courteous 
thing to do.

 So, there you have the next step in my life.  I passed the course, 
and he wants me to find something that will use those skills, not 
just any old job.  That's actually very supportive, although a bit 
embarrassing for me when there's a cancellation like that.  
However, the agent did know that I was only interested in her agency because of one specific job, which requires Security Clearance, which would rush my application through so I can then get a position as a security auditor somewhere.  Do you get it?  Its very complicated 
in some ways, and I'm still trying to reckon with it, as you can 
tell!!

 As I said, this email is being done at the library, just so I could 
explain things to you.  I don't normally do this, but I felt I had 
to, since a couple of you had asked & I kinda sidestepped the issue 
as I had to think it out.   Now that I am in complete agreement 
with his decision & support, I can address it "legally" if you 
want to write to me asking how the job hunt is going!

I am happy with the way things are going!!!  It truly is a show of his 
protection of me...and if feels great!!!

*****

okay...that's how it was.  Now that I reread it myself I do see the benefit of his decision, even though it still feels bad that I let the agency & the prospective employer down.  They even offered me another job yesterday, again at minimum wage (which I do not think I should ever accept, now that I'm coming around to his thinking) and I very easily said I wasn't interested and why.

What does bother me is whether he will ever actually allow me to work for anyone?  He is so used to being pampered that I don't think he wants to adjust.  Besides, when his contract in the city is up what happens if mine is still going...am I to just quit???  Is he standing in the way because he wants to control who I talk to?

One of the companies he worked with last week seemed a little interested in considering to take me on as an apprentice...probably at minimum wage, but in the exact area I want to concentrate on.  Again, he'll know them and be able to call & find out how I'm "adjusting" so I don't talk to/have lunch with anyone he doesn't approve of.  But at least I'd be getting valuable experience and adult  professional conversation!  If he'd only sit down with me to tailor my CV....

So, I'll wait before I make any complaints...I do rather like being a "woman of leisure" more or less.....

Mood: angry

I will never ever understand people who have to pick on someone else to make themselves feel better.  It seems>>no, happens<< that I cannot do anything right.  No matter what I do it is wrong.  Okay, honestly, sometimes there is thanks or praise for something, but it is almost always followed with a criticism of it or something else which then cancels out the so-called good stuff.

I know its petty...but it was socks yesterday.  Socks!  The matching of!!  I get up early, give him his pills, get brekkie ready, get him up, prep his bath, make the bed while he tends to his personal stuff, lay out his clothes, make his lunch, do the dishes, take his stuff down to the car, drive him to work....

and he complained that the socks weren't paired properly.  He has 3 pairs of black socks exactly the same...and they weren't right?  He pulled them apart & started to examine them...and then found that there wasn't a clear match in any case.  Still, he couldn't believe me. He had to check for himself.  He had to blame me for something.  He had to have a go at me before he started his day at the office.  I suppose that's because he can't pick on anyone there, so he has to get it out of his system.  Great. 

Well, I couldn't help myself...I felt stabbed to the core.  I work so hard for him..and all he ever does is criticize.  Something.  Last night it was marks on the carpet...a nice little trail of drips of something from the kitchen to his desk.  Gee, who could have done that??????  No, its my fault there's marks on the carpet.  Cream carpet / rented flat.  Great.

Did he apologize once he discovered he couldn't do any better?  Even when I dropped him off, all he did was say have a nice day...like a fucking cashier!  I'm sooooo important...it would serve him right if I died.  He'd have to do it all himself.

Death is a very real desire for me lately.  I just don't care enough about anything or anyone to need to stay.  If a truck came barrellling down on me I don't think I'd jump aside.  Too bad for the driver.  As long as I die.  I sure wouldn't want to depend on him to take care of me!!!!!!