Update...
I’m in a weird place at the moment. I just spent a month overseas (which was fantastic) and got back 3 days ago. D & I were seeing each other again casually before I left and I was worried about him while I was away – when I left he was in a really bad way financially and emotionally, but I’m happy to report I have come back to find he is much happier, in a better (not great, but getting a handle on things) financial state, and he missed me!
I wish I could say that life is rosy but that’s far from the truth. I was so depressed before I left because I felt like my life was going nowhere, sick of my job etc etc. I knew I would come back and still feel shit about things, and I do. I’m also in a lot of debt and things will be really tight for a while, and I’m so depressed about going back to work. I’m in a bad state but I told D I was going to try and keep a positive attitude, see if that might train myself in liking work and looking forward to going. Like he said, we all have to work, and most of us don’t like it, that’s why it’s work!
To make matters worse, I found a lump in my breast the day I came home. It’s been playing on my mind since I found it. I went to the doctor yesterday, he didn’t sugar coat it. He’s treating it as a suspected blocked duct at the moment and I have some antibiotics to take. If that doesn’t work I will need an ultrasound so see what sort of a mass it is and depending on that, it may need draining. He said the odds are in my favour with my age, but that doesn’t mean much when it comes to cancer, it doesn’t discriminate, no one is really safe. Hopefully these tablets do the trick. Told D but downplayed how I was feeling about it. I broke down last night and admitted that I’m actually really worried, and he said he’s scared shitless too but that we’ll get through it together, whatever happens he’ll be there.
I went out last night for a girl’s night out which I really needed to take my mind off things. Had a bit too much to drink. D had a boys night out and we were at the same club. Me and my friend were on the dancefloor and the music was really crap. Then suddenly, all this stuff I love comes on, and I see D near the DJ box blowing me kisses! He had requested the songs he knows I love (he’s a DJ himself) so that was pretty awesome. Stayed at his place (I’ve been home 3 nights, and spent 2 at his place!). I don’t know what it is, I used to hate staying at my exes place, we were together for over 5 years and I rarely ever stayed there. But with D I don’t care, I’d sleep on the street under a cardboard box with him, anywhere, doesn’t matter. I’m hopelessly in love with him.
Well I guess I should drag myself off to bed, work tomorrow. Not feeling very happy about it!
