Downward Spiral
In the space of about a month, things have changed alot. N took me to the snow, paid for all my snowboard hire equipment - he had gone and bought a gift voucher to the value of everything I'd need for our first date which was so sweet. But I hated snowboarding, as hard as I tried. I hated the snow. And by the time we got back home I realised he wasn't right for me, as nice as he was. Everyone thinks I'm mad for letting such a nice guy go - but I didn't feel that spark was there. That's just the way I feel.
Looks like R is moving away - about 400km away. I'm not sure when, I haven't spoken to him lately. Hope it goes well for him because it's a great opportunity.
I've been hanging around a girl (H) from work, we've been playing pool and hanging out. What I've noticed is that she seems to be quite volatile. There is always a drama and she's quite moody. And I have caught her out a few times contradicting herself in stories she's told me previously. One night after some pool (we had been playing doubles, both of us against each other playing with a couple of guys) she was really quiet on the way home and I asked what was up. She said she just gets really competitive and hates losing. The first I've heard of that. I love playing pool, it's fun to me regardless of if I win or lose - of course it's nice to win but seriously, who cares!? It's not a life or death situation. Anyway, we were playing pool one night at a club and we met these 2 guys, D & J (they work at the club we were at but it was their night off). They seemed pretty cool and I took a liking to D. After we finished playing, we swapped numbers. I've been hearing from D & we decided we'd organise to catch up for pool again, the 4 of us. Monday night was decided and H was aware of this. When I heard from D about where to met etc, I sent H a message to let her know. Half an hour later I still hadn't heard anything back so I tried to call her and she didn't answer. A couple of minutes later I got a message saying she didn't want to go, but that I should still go and to have fun. I was pissed off, for a start coz I don't really know the guys and didn't want to be caught in an awkward situation. I went anyway, we played pool and had a few laughs, it was fun. D was funny, getting drunker as the night went on, then kissed me when I was leaving! Last night H (who goes to the gym where D&J work) told me that she had seen D at the club and that he was under the impression I didn't like him at all and that he seemed hurt. I said "Well I got a message from him this arvo", she asked what time and when I told her she said that was right after she saw him and that he always seems to message me after he sees her!! Yeah right!!! I thought there might have been a few crossed wires so I went to see him last night (at his house which is immaculately tidy, I was very impressed) and we talked. Apparently H told D she had no idea we all caught up for pool. I was really, really mad. What sort of a game is that? Trying to make me look bad to someone I have an interest in, which, as my friend she should NOT be doing. Especially when I made the effort to ask her to come, seeing as though that was what had been previously arranged. I decided not to mention anything to her because I don't want to play those kinds of games. D is a bit wary of her. I see right through her. She asked today if I'd spoken to him, I said yeah and that I went to his house, but gave very little away. Anyway, it was great to go to D's place and talk to him one on one. I think it's hard to get an idea of someone when they're around their friends, so to sit and talk to him with no distractions was really nice. All I could think was "I had you pegged wrong!"! He was really apologetic about the other night, for getting drunk and kissing me. We talked about our past experiences. He's been screwed over big time. I haven't cried for so long and I feel like I'm about to break - but last night when I was talking about what had happened to me, I felt really sad. I don't know if it's because when something I don't want to deal with pops into my head, I push it out of my thoughts so I'm scared I haven't dealt with things as well as I could have. When I left he hugged me, and it felt so right to be in his arms. I can't explain it. I didn't feel this way at all with N.
The other week I had a disagreement with my older sister. My younger sister and I work together. I sat at her computer and as I always do, looked through her stuff and found emails to my older sister about me, as well as emails from my older sister. No matter what happens, I'm always in the wrong. I was upset over what my older sister had said to me but apparently I'm in the wrong for that. None of it was really a big deal and I was over the disagreement, but to see those emails and knowing they'd been discussing me behind my back just broke my heart. I'm still really hurt about it and feeling lonelier than you could imagine.
I'm feeling really depressed at the moment and totally directionless and the flood gates have now opened.
