Down...
Isn't it funny how quickly things can change from great to just plain crappy?
Z came down for the weekend and I have to say he was even better in person than I imagined. I had a great time with him. To me things just felt right. Last night I came home and felt sad about him going home today because I've loved having him around. Well anyway, today he had to go home and he broached the subjetc of "us" and to be honest at first didn't understand what I was hearing. When he said "I still want to talk to you" I realised it was a blow off! Great! Basically he is confused about things with us so that makes him think (quite rightly) that that's a no for anything more to happen between us at the moment. Then he asked what I thought and of course I felt the exact opposite and had NO idea what to say, I was totally stumped. And hurt. I just wanted to walk away so he wouldn't realise I was upset. Last night I had a think, laid awake for ages thinking this guy is just awesome and for the first time in a long time, I saw things clearly. There's no one else I want apart from him. And to hear him say he felt a different way hurt me so much. Totally not his fault. I'm glad he was honest but I am upset, that a while ago he pushed me to open up to him about alot of things so I feel like he knows me better than anyone, yet to have him come here and meet me then say he doesn't see it going any further is such a kick in the face. Who did he expect to meet? I am me, I can't be anyone else. I guess I could have asked him more just so I know, but I was so upset I just wanted to get away from him. I haven't hurt like this for a long time. Now instead of feeling numb inside like I have for so long, I feel hurt. I don't know which I prefer.
