Thoughts, dreams and fears

Aug 24, 2007 at 12:04 o\clock

Let down...

I’m sitting here, feeling like total shit on what should have been a great week.  I feel like finally things are coming together.  I started a great new job this week, and things with D have been going really well and I can really feel myself falling for him.  He is awesome and I love being around him.  He makes me feel great. But at the moment I’m really sick and I feel really hurt and let down by someone I considered to be my best friend.  I’ve been sick for a couple of weeks now.  Whenever this friend of mine is sick I always get in touch with her to make sure she’s okay and I let her know not to hesitate to call me if she needs anything.  I’ve not had that from her, AT ALL.  I’m the sickest I’ve ever been.  It was my birthday the weekend before last, and we had plans to go out.  We weren’t going to go if I was too sick.  On my birthday, I didn’t hear from her until 4.30pm!!  She’s normally the first person I hear from on my birthday, and I heard nothing all day!  I was pretty disheartened about that.  Then I had most of last week off sick, went to the doctor 3 times in 5 days as I was getting progressively worse and there was a danger of me developing pneumonia.  The thing with me is I rarely get sick.  So when I am it’s pretty serious.  I’ve hardly heard from my friend at all during this time and she’s aware how sick and miserable I’ve been.  This morning I was in so much pain, it was excruciating to breathe and cough and I spent all morning at the emergency department of the hospital.  Normally we would email each other at work so later this afternoon after I got home I sent her an email, letting her know I’m not at work so if she’s sent emails and I haven’t replied, that’s why.  And also that I’d been at the hospital all morning because I’m really sick.  She wrote back that no, she hadn’t sent me any emails and it’s no good I’m sick again, “is it the same thing as last time?”.  Bloody hell.  Yeah I spend all morning in the hospital when if it wasn’t serious, I could just go to my doctor.  I’m just so sick of bothering with her when she clearly doesn’t give a shit about me.  I’m not going to bother making any more effort because it seems to be a total waste of time.  On the other hand, when another of my friends (a girl I’ve known since February this year) heard I was at hospital today she sent me a message to see if I was okay and to say she hopes I’m feeling better and if I’d like any company over the weekend to let her know which I thought was really sweet.  That’s the way a friend should be.

Aug 6, 2007 at 14:53 o\clock

New Things

I have been seeing more of D, and I’m completely smitten.  I’ve gone from this “happy to date, not ready to commit to anyone” phase to “I don’t want to see anyone else but D”.  Unreal.  I went out with him last week for his birthday, met some of his good friends and had a great time.  We have talked a lot, we know a bit of each other’s past experiences.  There’s nothing I don’t like about him so far.  When I’m not around him, I’m thinking about him and I know he feels the same way.  This is what I didn’t feel with N.  This is how I want to feel!  I love that D listens to me, and hears what I say, even better he remembers everything I tell him!  I’m so used to not being heard.  Not being paid attention to.  Feeling like what I have to say is of no importance at all.  D is different.  Yeah, I am so scared of getting hurt (turns out he has the same fear) but at the end of the day which is worse?  Not taking the chance and never knowing?  Or giving it a shot and see what happens, and run the risk of getting hurt?  All I know is that he makes me feel great, and I feel great.  I looked in the mirror before and I was glowing, I have a sparkle back in my eyes that I thought was lost forever.  I’m so happy and excited about the future, whatever it holds.